To be narked with DH?

[CailinDana]

Oh do please get me down off my high horse. A crane may be needed. I am 22 weeks pregnant and pregnancy makes me very angry. I am a Hormonal Monster. Therefore I am open to being told IABU, though I may not show my gratitude, due to aforementioned Monster status.

I've had a cough for about 100 years. Or thereabouts. I am bloody tired from it. Last Thursday I just completely ran out of juice and DH had to stay home to look after DS (I'm a SAHM, DS is nearly 2). I was very grateful to him and it really helped. But, as often happens, he made such a big deal out of it that it was hardly worth it - saying how much work he had to catch up with, how tired he was etc etc. He bunked off work early on Friday, came home and went to bed. Fair enough, he was tired. Then of course he had to catch up on work at the weekend so I ended up looking after DS more than usual, despite the fact that I'm still not well. Annoying, but there you go. Then, this morning I felt a bit ropey and suddenly puked and puked. There's a tummy bug going around so I thought it might be that. Others who have had it have ended up puking/pooing endlessly for days and I was worried I'd end up like that and not be able to look after DS. To which DH replied that he couldn't take time off work as he would "get in trouble."

Now this is what pisses me off. If he feels ill or even just tired, like on Friday, he just comes home and goes to bed, no problem. He has a really really flexible job, no one monitors his timekeeping and he can work from home easily if needs be. If I feel ill, he will just decide on a whim whether to help or not. And now, suddenly, he is restricted in the time he can take off, out of nowhere. So on Friday he could wander home four hours early to go to bed, but when his pregnant wife is puking there's nothing he can do. I know that in plenty of jobs you can't take time off at the drop of a hat, and understand that, but with his job that's not the case so I don't think it's too much to expect him to take the odd day here and there to help me when I'm ill. I know I had a day last week, and need another this week, but that's just coincidence. I can't even remember the last time I needed him to stay home.

He is due to go to a conference next week for three days, so of course it's assumed that I'll be on duty 24/7 for those three days. Normally, not a problem. But now I am sorely tempted to say I can't do it. If he can't look after his son because it's inconvenient to him, then why should I do it? If he can just decide, "Oh well you're sick but I don't have to rearrange anything to do with my work because it doesn't suit me," why should I put myself out for him? I am sick of it always being assumed I'll just be there for DS no matter what, while he comes and goes and just suits himself. I am seriously considering just telling him he has to arrange childcare for HIS child while he's away next week, as I am working (I work from home). I can rearrange my work easily, just as he can, but why should I bother?

AIBU?

P.S I am feeling much better now, so the puking was just random pregnancy bollocks I think. That probably adds to the overall unreasonableness.

YANBU. That's it really! I was sick once and decided not to go to work. DP was really surprised when I said he needed to drop the kids at the CM as usual. I was SICK, I needed to go to bed and sleep and look after myself, not run around after a baby and a toddler. He did it but I felt like I had to justify it endlessly. It has to be a two way thing as far as possible, even if in one parent is a SAHM and doesn't do any kind of employment. You are BOTH the parents.

Slightly off the point but I had a terrible cough for 100 years, well, one year actually. I got an inhaler for it last week. Cough has now gone. I'm also pg and was coughing till I puked most days. Soooooo much better.

I went to the doc about it on Friday and he was pretty dismissive, which is what I expected really. I will go back again if it isn't gone in a month though, because I can't put up with it for longer than that. My friend had a similar cough and happened to be put on steroids for something else, and that was the only thing that shifted it. I am worn out from it.

I can't take days off if dh is unwell.

Dh can't take days off if I'm unwell.

I am just starting to recover from hyperemesis so I feel your pain but yabu imo.

I've said earlier in the thread ENorma that DH can easily take days off, no problem, in fact he took half the day off on Friday to have a snooze. He has had jobs in the past where that wasn't possible, but that's not the case at the moment. Oh, and on days where I've had to go to meetings for work, and are therefore earning money, he hasn't had any trouble at all taking time off. Go figure.

So the issue is really about empathy, his ability to comprehend that you are actually ill sometimes and need time off to recover, also that you are not invulnerable. That may be a difficult, even frightening reality for him to face, in a general way.

Just a thought but does he exaggerate illness and make a fuss over little aches and sniffles? People who do that often assume that others do the same, so he may just be assuming you are not really ill, just playing for sympathy. He may also consider that the ongoing discomfort of a sicky or tricky pregnancy would be intolerable, thus it cannot be possible. Has there been an example of him bring really ill, proper flu, food poisoning or something, that you can use to say 'remember when you had that and felt like you were dying? Well this is a bit like that'.

Maybe there's something about him taking the SAHM 'job' seriously too, though that depends on how much childcare he does - though even if he does, he may have some unexamined idea about it coming naturally or being easier for you.

YANBU.

If he is ill then he takes a day off and goes to bed. If you are ill you have to soldier on.

If you both worked outside the home and your childcare was unavailable/sick or whatever, then he would have to take his turn at taking the day off at short notice to cover. This is actually no different really, it is just a different perception on his part.

In terms of the life insurance - do you have some? We have a policy for me which matches the one we have for DH, and it was relatively inexpensive.

I'm astonished that a grown man would need to come home early and go to bed after one day of looking after a toddler. He needs a large dose of MTFU...

He can be a bit of a drama queen when he's sick, yeah, whereas I have to be pretty darn ill before it bothers me - I am definitely not one for lying in bed unless I need to. If the tables were turned and he was properly vomiting his guts up I would be very loath to leave him looking after DS, in fact, I wouldn't really be happy about it because I'd be worried he just wasn't up to it. I don't actually suffer much in pregnancy and I think that fools him into thinking I'm fine. Thing is, even if you don't have bad morning sickness or SPD etc pregnancy still takes a lot out of you and he doesn't seem to realise that. Because I'm not continually whinging and because I carry on with my life as normal pretty much he just thinks he can carry on as if nothing is happening, whereas I expect him to have that bit more consideration and to realise I do get tired, especially as I'm not well. I suppose I need to spell that out though (even though I spelled it out very clearly when I pregnant with DS - there may have been screaming involved ).

There is some truth I think in him believing it comes more naturally to me. He is very good with DS, really he is, but sometimes he says how hard things are and I think "yeah I do that every single day of the week." It's almost as if he thinks when he's looking after DS it's hard but when I look after him it's just a normal part of the day, no effort required. Not that I don't feel appreciated as such, it's just that I sometimes think he doesn't get just how much I do all day.

He is giving DS his dinner now, and they're chatting away in the kitchen. He has been sheepish since he's been home so he knows I'm pissed. I melt far too easily around him darn his fine ass ;)

I don't Ali - I really should sort it out because without it DH would be up shit creek. He loves his job but the pay is shite and he could no way afford full time childcare for DS.

My DH did the life insurance thing too " if anything ever happens, you'll be just fine" er yeah, but what if something happens to ME ? !
I used to grit my teeth when he swanned off to work if i was ill with a cheery 'byyyyeee' saying he couldn't do anything about it, and if he was ever ill ~ well ~ he just 'called in sick' ... until one year i was so ill ( and ignoring it as i didn't have time to get well, he was very busy at work) that i had to have emergency surgery, after that we realised he couldn't do his job ( go off earn money, then come home for Dad/hubby time) if i couldn't do mine ( be well and not stressed enough to keep everything going, so he COULD go to work ) and now we have it pretty well sorted, you just have to work out a good compromise for your family ... ( i totally would be pissed off though if he'd gone to work to escape a poorly sick wife, but came home early on a Friday for a nap !)