...to challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

[Poppysquad]

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

[gimmecakeandcandy]

Why waste your breath with a response?! Don't do it! That will piss him off far more!

[Helltotheno]

OP whatever you do, don't cave and go crawling back to this bellend begging for forgiveness...

.. c'mon now, deep breaths... repeat fifty times: 'I will not waste any more of my life on twunts'.... You can do it...

[CuriousMama]

Op you probably will reply to him in the hope he'll change his mind? I hope not but it tends to happen. Please try not to live like this though as you'll always be wondering when he'll dump you again if you do get back with him? It's a bit like an addiction, we know it's bad for us but can't stop. But if you can abstain for a week or two you may just find something that helps you with your withdrawal

[Poppysquad]

Thanks for all your supportive posts.

I don't intend to contact him at all. His note is pretty firm. He wishes me all the best. He wants a clean break. He doesn't want to be friends.

Shit. I have read his email again and feel terrible. He's saying its my insecurities. Me seeking reassurances that has driven him away. After I challenged him about the website I did ask him if he was with someone else when he 'disappeared' for the day last weekend. Shit shit shit. Have I got a problem? Am I just wound up. This is what my ex husband said about me.

[ecto]

He would like you to think it's your insecurities but it's no such thing. You caught him out, he's saving face.

It isn't insecure to ask what that kind of website is doing on his iPad. It's a reasonable question from a sensible person.

You are much better off without this 'man'.

[StuntGirl]

It's not you love, it's him. Seriously.

[Inertia]

It isn't your problem.

It's his problem. He wants a relationship with someone who does as she's told, who doesn't challenge his behaviour, who turns a blind eye to his seedier habits.

You're not playing his game- he wants you to beg and plead him to come back , on his terms. He knows about your insecurity issues, he thinks you'll chase after him and make contact. You're smarter and stronger than that.

If it had been a genuine mistake or computer glitch, he'd have been trying to fix the problem, or apologise that you'd been hurt, or reassure you. He didn't- he went on the attack and told you it was all your fault. You're not insecure, you're correct - and he's trying to deflect attention away from the things he's done wrong.

[Quadrangle]

Blimey some of the things that I have googled as a result of reading mumsnet boards! If they came up when I was doing an internet search i would look like a right perv!

[Quadrangle]

Sorry OP i replied after only reading the OP. Have read your other posts now. Sorry you are feeling upset.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be the man you hoped for. It's very sad but it's NOT YOUR FAULT. If you had been acting paranoid a decent partner would have cut you some slack given your emotional history, not flounced off. (And I speak as someone who divorced over his constant accusations of my infidelity - it does sting - but I did forgive him for the first 20 years!)

FWIW I'd bet my best Sunday wig and braces he was with someone else when you thought he might have been, that's why he's so very indignant now that you could even think such a thing. But I suppose we'll never know for sure.

[CuriousMama]

Did you tell him your exdh said this about you? If so then he's using it as a tool and get out clause. If not he's probably as big an arse as your ex. Either way it isn't you.

[Poppysquad]

Don't worry Quadrangle.

I am upset though. I feel really hurt and inadequate. In tears. Unattractive, with rubbish from my divorce coming back to haunt me.

I was looking forward to doing things together. We were checking out flights to Barcelona to go away or a weekend when I spotted the website. I hope I haven't go this all wrong and have done what he said and pushed him away. Why do I doubt myself so much?

[CuriousMama]

But you said he wouldn't let you in and didn't share so you're bound to feel insecure. After 6 months you should have been more included in his life. Believe me I know how fucked up they get you, I had one like this as I've said, also in his 50s ( I like older men) he had issues though and was a bit like Peter Pan tbh. You never know where you stand? And they try to make you feel so grateful When I binned him he went quiet for ages. I met lovely dp and a while after he tried to get back with me. I just replied that I was doing ok and to take care. I didn't open the dialogue and wouldn't even if I'd been single as he was so evasive. Dp's in his 50s too but a real mature man. There are some out there I promise

[Poppysquad]

The email he sent on Saturday started Hi Gorgeous, and was signed with loads of kisses and talk of us hopefully getting together once he was in a better place. Then today, he wrote that hes thought about it and doesn't want to be with me. What's changed?

[CuriousMama]

Oh deal Lord I think he's a clone of the ex I'm talking about. How bloody fucked up is he! Please please avoid. They keep you dangling as it massages their egos. And when you look back you think 'he wasn't all that?' WTF was I thinking?
He's really got to you though I can tell. I hope you can be kind to yourself and keep strong?

[CuriousMama]

Anyway I'm off to bed now night God bless, and dream of a toyboy not that creep

[Poppysquad]

This ex wasn't in Cheshire was he?

[StuntGirl]

He's playing mind games to fuck with your head. And its working! You will go to Barcelona with someone a million times better, I promise.

[Poppysquad]

I am torturing myself reading his emails to me. There are loads! Most days I'd get a message. Missing the attention

[Poppysquad]

Still not feeling good this morning. I really do appreciate the support you are giving and have tried to get things straight in my head.

I have read all your posts and think yes, you're right, he didn't care that much. Before I saw the fated website on his iPad, I know he went on the website we originally met on. He told me he was responding to people who mailed him letting them know that he was now in a relationship.

Its terrible. Its not as if he was gorgeous or a great catch. But I couldn't even maintain a relationship with him. i couldn't just relax I couldn't trust things. I know he didn't share a lot of himself but he was starting to.

I feel like I am reaching for a self destruct button pretty worthless at the moment.

[HissyByName]

Please don't blame yourself!

What did YOU do wrong? NOTHING!


HE chose to sneak around on nsa sites, he went back on the dating site. Ipaid a years service on the site i subscribed to. I've been with my boyf 6m more or less now, I've not responded to any contact. I switched off notifications and blurred my photo.

This guy is not good enough for you.

HE blew it, HIM. All by himself.

Emails mean nothing, actions, thought and consideration are everything.

[HissyByName]

If a man is honourable and honest, he wouldn't mind being open, he'd reassure you.

He fucked up, and he's blaming you.

Unforgivable. He'd destroyyour confidence entirely if you stayed with him.