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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

204 replies

Poppysquad · 13/10/2012 23:22

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 14/10/2012 19:49

Gosh I was a bit hard there. You are not pathetic at all. Just interested in your own well being.

brdgrl · 14/10/2012 20:00

Wish I felt better. I sought counselling when my exH left. I wonder if would help now.....

Poppy, in my own experience (terrible soul-crushing breakup, followed by counselling followed by attempts at dating before meeting my now-DH), the pain left from the BIG breakup doesn't go away completely. With time and counselling and all the rest, the pain matters less and less, and stops being in the forefront of your life everyday. But when something (or someone) knocks you back again, it brings up all the horrible feelings. So you are going to feel rotten now, not because this new guy is worth it, or even necessarily because you really even like hm that much, deep down...but because he's reminding you of someone else who made you feel pathetic and unworthy. Which you aren't.

A1980 · 14/10/2012 20:50

I would check that you and he are on the same page re what you're doing. you say you've been dating for 6 months. is that it? Just dating? Or are you in an exclusive relationship?

Have you had a discussion about commitment?

Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/10/2012 20:59

We had a discussion about just that subject yesterday when we were walking together on the beach. Romantic? He says that he is a one woman man. He is committed to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/10/2012 21:03

I'll re-phrase that. He says he is committed to me. I asked him what that meant. He says that he isn't seeing anyone else. Not seeking anyone else. Then I saw the website...

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2012 21:08

"He says that he is a one woman man." That doesn't gel very well with seeking a married woman for an affair now, does it? Do people who offer fidelity seek those out who do not? Hmm

Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/10/2012 21:21

That's why he thinks its me over reacting. Despite the fact that he says that there's only me, I still questioned things when I saw the website and its this that's bugging him.

He sees it as my problem. It's me that has the issue because I am insecure

OP posts:
MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 14/10/2012 21:23

He sees it as my problem. It's me that has the issue because I am insecure

Well, at the risk of defaulting to the therapist's favourite, how does that make you feel?

Felicitywascold · 14/10/2012 21:23

'He says that he is a one woman man'

Eugh. My DH has never said that... Because there would be no point, he just is, it's just true. The need to make statements like that in the first place is a big red flag to me.

Helltotheno · 14/10/2012 21:37

Just ditch him OP. He sounds like a PITA.. oh poor him with all his stress problems Hmm. Tell him to take a hike. Get out there and join some clubs, you don't need this arse in your life.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/10/2012 21:41

Tell him to piss off OP. It's all about him huh. No you don't need more coucilling really you just need to tell him to fuck off Grin

EugenesAxe · 14/10/2012 21:50

I lied on a couple of occasions to partners in previous relationships, when they accused me of fancying someone else (and I did). I always responded with fairly intense hurt indignation in these situations. The more truth in the accusation, the more anger I would express.

I think it's a good way to deflect the other person's attention away from the issue/ halt any further scrutiny or analysis.

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 21:56

So he is using your past, the problems with your ex etc, as a weapon against you when you question him?

Nice, really nice Hmm

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 22:13

It's not a good way, Eugene, it is usually highly transparent

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2012 22:18

"He sees it as my problem. It's me that has the issue because I am insecure"
Well that's what he says, and I give it as much credence as his saying that he is a one woman man. You do not have an issue because you are insecure - you have an issue because his behaviour and reactions smell suspicious.

If he were above-board, I would have expected his reaction to your asking about his search history to be a shame-faced ah-well-it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time. Not the full-on faux outrage he has plumped for.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 14/10/2012 22:36

Oh it just gets better.

What are you waiting for?? Send him a text, offering him all the space in the world!

You are worth 100 of this twat.

HissyByName · 14/10/2012 23:13

This is your first post divorce relationship? And he's pulling on the same manipulation techniques as your ex?

You are about to repeat the pain of your marriage.

Now this explains a lot. This is where you get to exorcise the demons of the past, you get to stand up and say NO!, i'm not going to quake at the idea of someone making threats to leave....

You get to say, 'You wanna go? GO! Nobody wants to be withsomeone who's not interested.

If you cling and quake, they'll keep doing it.

It'll be just like your marriage, and you're not going to want that.

This seems to be similar to those of us in abusive relationships, unless we heal ourselves, work hard to learn our strengths, our weaknesses, and how to spot those that would exploit them.

End it with this idiot, keep posting, take stock and it will be ok.

Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/10/2012 23:35

Still thinking on things. Rereading his email. You're so right, I dont want a repeat of my marriage. I want to be with some one who wants to be with me. And i am not sure that he does. I am gaining confidence from your posts, just not here quite yet

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 14/10/2012 23:51

I have a gift for you here's a bit more to add to your growing pile.

I hope you can be strong it is difficult I know x

Aspiemum2 · 15/10/2012 00:04

You really don't Poppy, it's so hard to avoid the relationship pitfall. I was in an abusive relationship and after I left I had counselling which helped me identify the type of man I was attracted to.

I was subconsciously excluding those who were "together" and happy in life. My self hatred meant I felt worthless so I was attracted to men who seemed to need fixing. I felt that being me wasn't enough, I had to be able to contribute something more as I wasn't good enough in myself.

This meant I was attracted to the eternal victim types, or narcissists basically.

It's hard to break the pattern but you can be strong and do this. You do deserve better.

I see this as the beginning of EA, he is teaching you that if you question him he will withdraw his affection and communication with you. This 'punishment' will teach you the error of your ways so that you don't dare question him again.

It has all the hallmarks of a damaging relationship and really, after all you've been through, you don't need to be putting up with this.

Walk away now, yes it may be hard but it will only get harder the longer you are with him.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 00:15

What's interesting, Poppy, is I don't get the impression you were massively into him before this anyway. I'm sure it was all going fine, but you didn't come on here wailing that he's the love of your life and it's all gone wrong, did you.

He's just managed to get you focusing on analysing him rather than working out what you want, and I think that's a big part of why you now feel rubbish. Trying to second-guess the emotions of people who are behaving unpleasantly towards you is like voluntarily beating yourself over the head! If you look at this thread, a couple of times I have asked you how you feel, and what you want to do next... and you've answered by saying something about his feelings and intentions.

Stop caring about what he thinks of you. Care instead about what you think of him.

EugenesAxe · 15/10/2012 04:24

HappyHalloween - yes you are right, if you are strong/ don't really care, or if it's done in a hammy way.

It worked for me though and if the person asking the question is vulnerable, ie. wanting the answer to allay their fears, then a quick & strong tantrum/ guilt trip can cause them to panic and put the control back with the guilty party.

Anyway let's not argue as it's not going to help Poppy. OP I didn't really say but I'm sorry you are upset. The most important thing is to work out what you want; is this man worth all the angst? I think someone who genuinely didn't want to lose you and moreover, respected and understood how you might need support following the breakdown of you marriage, would not have responded this way.

Original poster
Poppysquad · 15/10/2012 06:59

Thank you! And thanks or the card CuriousMama.

You're right. I am not into him in a big way. There were things about him that were strange. The biggest thing was not letting me into his life. Not sharing. He seemed to compartmentalise things. And there were chunks of his time that he wasn't available even though he is retired.

The one thing that this is doing is helping me realise how important openness and honesty is to me. And I am not sure he has either quality. See, I am getting there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppysquad · 15/10/2012 07:15

Aspiemum2 I mean to ask. You mentioned EA. I am not sure what this is

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 15/10/2012 07:20

You are so much better off without this arse... If I were you I wouldn't respond ever again to him when he gets in touch - does he really expect you to come running, the cheeky git!

Go out and have fun lady and leave him to his websites. X