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AIBU?

...to challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

204 replies

Poppysquad · 13/10/2012 23:22

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

OP posts:

Report

trockodile · 15/10/2012 07:20

If i have cleared your history, then my iPad will bring up the sites I have bookmarked-which I may not have looked at for ages.
Not sure it would be any better if it's bookmarked but sometimes you do it by accident. Not saying this is the case but it could be possible?

trockodile · 15/10/2012 07:23

Not saying that this is the scenario btw, and from the other red flags I would be wary. Just pointing out not to go purely on the history thing.

HissyByName · 15/10/2012 07:44

She means Emotional Abuse, and i whole heartedly agree with her, this email of his is a classic sign.

Poppysquad · 15/10/2012 08:29

Not a good morning. A huge fall out with DS who couldn't find is homework, got very stressed and then took it out on me. I don't see him now until Wednesday as he stays with his dad the next two days. Really teary now and I have to get on with some work from home this morning.

Feeling crap. It's like I can't even keep down a relationship with this guy.

OP posts:

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 08:43

It's like I can't even keep down a relationship with this guy.

But you're not the one who messed it all up by sending the weird, controlling email! None of this is your fault. You questioned him, he clearly doesn't like being questioned and he reacted like a dickhead. So your only realistic way of "keeping down a relationship" with him would have been to not challenge him, ever. And you know you don't want another relationship like that.

Besides which you weren't even 100% sure about him in the first place, for what sound like very good reasons!

Sorry you're having a crap morning, though. Eulch, Mondays.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 08:51

(Saying that, it's obviously fine to have a bit of a blub and you should expect it! These things are always a bit traumatic, whether or not they're really such a disaster as all that.)

Poppysquad · 15/10/2012 08:53

Thank you MadBusLady. I am finding the support I am getting so helpful. I will find the strength I need not be a victim again. I will....This is not what I want or where I want to be. I just want a normal (if there is such a thing!) relationship with some one who wants to be with me.

I MUST do some work. Focus

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 15/10/2012 09:13

Sorry about your morning. How old is DS? I know what it's like when they go out of the door angry, I have 2 dss of 12 and 15 and hate it when we have a bad morning. DS2 almost forgot his homework this morning and he'd spent ages doing it last night.

Can you ring ds later? Mine go to their dad's on a weekend and I tend to ring, ds1 chats but ds2 isn't keen on the phone. I get on ok with exdh though so it's easier.

Can you do something to treat yourself today or tonight? Even if it's a long hot candle lit bath, or buying your favourite magazine?

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 15/10/2012 09:15

Blocks of his time are off limits and hes been searching for affairs websites... Are you sure he isnt already married?!

OldBagWantsNewBag · 15/10/2012 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 15/10/2012 09:36

He's making you feel like YOU aren't loveable/wonderful/special/whatever enough to be with HIM - when in fact, if only you could see it from the outside, it's HIM that's the one who isn't 'worthy'. It has nothing/nada/zero/zilch to do with YOU holding down a relationship with this twat. You could if you wanted to, by playing the poor little victim & going along with his stupid 'punishment' & begging his return when he does contact you - and he will. But why the hell would you want to be in a relationship with this bully, this horrible man acting like he's god and you're dog muck... he's not worth your tears. His 'poor me' is a controlling technique and he's using everything he knows about your past to make that more effective. Why the hell would you even want to talk to someone who would do that to you?

It's bloody hard after being in a LTR (long term relationship)(ie your marriage) is 'starting again', you have to kiss a few toads before you find one worth keeping!!

Keep posting, keep reading and find the strength to see him for what he is - NOT worth your time or tears. I know it's hard when you hoped you'd found someone to share your life with, it's hard being on your own when you've come out of such a long relationship... but you will be fine.

alienreflux · 15/10/2012 09:37

Emotional Abuse

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 09:49

One other thing. Your instincts are actually working pretty well for someone who's come out of a long, destructive marriage. You knew something wasn't quite right with what this guy has done, that's why you posted here. You just needed a sanity check on it.

Just dropping that in in case you are even now beating yourself up for not backing off sooner!

Poppysquad · 15/10/2012 18:24

I am now in receipt of a 'Dear John' or is it Jane? email. he's had time to think and my insecurities (as in me believing he is in touch with other women) are always going to irk him so he doesn't want this long term and would rather be single. He doesn't even want us to be friends.

Is this true?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 15/10/2012 18:25

Is what true? That he doesnt want to be with you?

Yes.

Is it true that its your fault?

No.

He is an asshole and you have dodged a bullet. The only thing to be regretful of is that you didnt get in there first!

piratecat · 15/10/2012 18:35

well let him blame you.

anyway you're just not that into him really. get someone nicer. you deserve it xxx

lovebunny · 15/10/2012 18:47

'hi. brilliant. saves me the trouble of ditching you - didn't know how to word it. have a nice life.'

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 18:51

Well, it's all incredibly dramatic, isn't it. Have you badgered him with suspicions about other women on every date? Has he caught you going through his phone or email? Do you throw a strop whenever he speaks to another woman in your presence? No? In that case the great whirlwind of phone slamming, flouncing, silent treatment, dramatic emails and digs about your past is totally disproportionate, isn't it.

Whether it's just general arsiness or whether he's indignant that his deception has been uncovered, I think you're well rid.

piratecat · 15/10/2012 19:02

you got it madbuslady. well said.

FellatioNelson · 15/10/2012 19:02

I have only read the first few posts but this is my immediate response:

(it's boring, but it might be relevant)

Once, about a year ago, I met a new friend who added me as a friend to fb. She kept mentioning another friend who lived near me and as I live in a very tight-knit expat community I was curious to see if I knew this woman. So I clicked on her profile via my friend's fb page, to get a close up look at her photo. Nope, never seen her before, and have never met her, have never looked at her profile since.

The weird thing is though, that her name and a link to her fb page keeps popping up right up there ^ next to my search bar, in my history, STILL almost a year later, along with MN which seems to live omnipresently in my computer . I clear my history regularly, and I regularly use several sites other than MN, and I regularly spy on at several fb pages who are not in my frineds group, but for some bizarre reason that I do not understand, only MN and this woman who I do not know and have no further interest in, are the only regular, long-term popper-uppers, and I don't know why, or how to get rid of her.

He may be telling the truth.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 15/10/2012 19:12

FN,, it's kinda academic really

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 15/10/2012 19:21

FN,, it's kinda academic really

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SoleSource · 15/10/2012 19:21

What is true Poppy is what you suspected of him. He has been found out. Knows he is a lilly livered coward, so he has sent you an email ending things rather than have a face- to-face chat. He knows you are SMART.

SomersetONeil · 15/10/2012 19:38

FN - it doesn't really matter, suggest carrying on with the rest of the thread to get the full story. :)

Lueji · 15/10/2012 21:17

My guess is that your lack of response to his previous time out made him think that he didn't punish you enough.
He thus took it to the next level and now expects you to beg him to reconsider.

He hasn't really dumped you.

Just tell him he's right and that you'd never be able to trust him.
Goodbye.

I could bet that the dumping email won't be the last, but you never know.

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