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Original poster

...to challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

204 replies

Poppysquad · 13/10/2012 23:22

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 14/10/2012 01:31

Yes I'm with Bogey face, he's be binned if it were me.

Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/10/2012 01:35

It is so comforting to know you're there!! Early start tomorrow - rugby duties with DS. Strange thing is I'm not too upset about this. No tears......yet

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 01:40

He ain't worth tears, he ain't worth anything!

I have Rugby duties too, DD just made it to County, which I am thrilled about but on the other hand.....it does rather curtail my Saturday night wine-fest :o

CuriousMama · 14/10/2012 01:42

Good he doesn't deserve your tears.

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 01:42

And you know why you have no tears? Because deep down you know that you are not losing anything, you only posted here to check, didn't you? Wink

SomersetONeil · 14/10/2012 01:55

Oh my goodness, this would be like red flag to a bull for me.

He would not be seeing me for dust after those sorts of antics. Not only would I not be contacting him as requested, but I most certainly frigging well would not be deigning to hang around until such time as I'm forgiven for expressing dissatisfaction over him visiting a married affair website. Shock

Sorry, but... what a little shit. Even if this was all entirely innocent - and of course it could still well be - his subsequent behaviour is quite unbelievable (unbelievable enough for me to be 99.9% sure he did visit the site, for the record). Just as much of a deal-breaker for me, personally.

musicalendorphins · 14/10/2012 04:55

I don't like how he reacted. You are too mature for games, a man who is checking out married affairs type sites isn't totally committed to you. Unless you have a relationship with both of you still free to date other people?

And maybe, just because I am nosy, I would join that married affairs site, use a fake name and photo, and look him up and contact him.
Probably a really self defeating plan, but I know me and I'd do it.
Space sounds like a good idea for both of you to evaluate what you want, and if you want it from each other.

I'm an old geezer like you btw.

SaraBellumHertz · 14/10/2012 05:42

He is behaving like a child and as bogey says absolutely punnishing you for being right.

Leave him to it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/10/2012 09:02

So... for all the ladies here who've been 'researching' the site themselves for the OP... will your partners believe your protestations of innocence should your browsing histories be discovered?

I think some people go waaaaay into overreacting orbit when they're dispensing advice. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/10/2012 09:04

But OP, I agree with the posters who've said don't contact him at all - get on with your own life and keep him at arms' length, if at all. Definitely NO contact - but on your terms, not his.

eurowitch · 14/10/2012 09:18

I'm laughing - not at you OP but at the person who is in the wrong here getting all high and mighty and sending you to Coventry. He's just trying to deflect his own wrongness by making you think you are somehow at fault. Laugh at him and bin him. He's an idiot.

McKayz · 14/10/2012 09:24

I'd say he's lying unless he never uses his iPad. If I go into the search box on my iPhone and iPad then it brings up the most recent things I've searched for.

HissyByName · 14/10/2012 09:43

Bogey has this absolutely right.

This guy is lying.

Rather than protest his innocence as anyone would in the case of a misunderstanding, he insulted you, hung up on you then emailed you telling you that YOU have no right to contact him but that you are to wait for him to contact YOU.

Fuck that!

He's playing to your old weakspots wrt the ExH. You learn from everyone in your life, this bloke is where you learn that nobody tells you when and how to contact, where you have control in your life, and where mutual respect means that your feelings are counted.

It also means that you don't tolerate those scumbags that think Married Affairs sites are in any way acceptable.

He's not good enough for you. Please send Bogey's text... BIN him.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 14:15

Who the hell does this prick think he is ?

Bin, you can do better than this.

I wouldn't wait until he contacted me, as per his instructions, I would send him the dear John text today and get a clean finish, tbh

He wants to fuck you up. Don't let him.

HecateLarpo · 14/10/2012 14:22

Well, clearly he's been looking.

He now says - basically - that you are to leave him alone and he will contact you when he is ready to forgive you and allow you the honour of continuing in a relationship with him.

Are you planning on staying by the phone, anxiously awaiting this joyous occasion or are you going to take control and decide whether you even want him back?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/10/2012 14:41

If there is no trust there is no reelationship.

Whoknowswhocares · 14/10/2012 16:25

His overreaction means only one thing IMO...... Guilt!

Plus he is trying to turn it round that YOU have hurt him and he is the wronged party. he is playing mind games to try to muddy the waters.

He is NOT worthy of your time. Get rid

StuntGirl · 14/10/2012 16:33

Was it the address bar...i.e. the third website down when he went to type a URL in was www.marriedaffairs.com or was it the third search term in the Google (or whatever) search box? Either way it suggests something he has been on recently, unless he uses his iPad rarely.

As others have said, my search history probably looks mental, but they're all things I've been on/clicked on recently.

I would very much let this fish back into the sea, he didn't sound like much of a catch in your first post and his subsequent messages to you make him sound even worse. You can do better lovely lady, I promise.

Original poster
Poppysquad · 14/10/2012 17:28

I am leaving him to fester. I've obviously not tried to contact him. I am wondering why I don't have the balls just to tell him to get lost as so many of you recommend. Is my self esteem that knocked about? I feel like I am doubting myself.

OP posts:
GhostofMammaTJ · 14/10/2012 17:36

I agree with Bogeyface, give him space, the rest of his life!

EdithWeston · 14/10/2012 17:49

Well, how long things hang around on the search bit of an iPad display (if you mean the bit at the top right when you open a new window) does depend on whether that is the search you habitually use. I have things there from months ago, because I routinely use a different way ie a search engine via bookmarks instead (as that way I get predicitive, which is helpful).

So he might actually be telling the truth.

But that's not necessarily the key point. You don't believe his explanation (which cannot be proved one way or another). This says to me that there really isn't a future in this for you, as I doubt that trust will come.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 17:49

Why? Do you think you deserve to be dicked around and "ordered" not to make contact like this ?

Be a devil....disobey him and make the kind of contact he certainly won't be expecting....

lovebunny · 14/10/2012 17:55

just change your number. you don't have to tell him anything. change your email address. don't answer if he turns up at the door. you know you don't want him. don't give him the chance to get round you in a few weeks when you've forgotten how you felt and he wants some free sex.

whatthewhatthebleep · 14/10/2012 18:03

I wouldn't be waiting for permission to talk!!
immature silly man...leave him to his...whatever....

get off his rollercoaster and find a pleasant path to wander...you will be too busy when he calls next having found much better/nicer things to do with your time anyway

HissyByName · 14/10/2012 18:03

Edith, I'd say that his reaction AFTER the fact is actually the reason why Poppy needs to kick this BallAche into the long grass. The email is just the cherry on top. He reacted as guilty, not incredulous, not trying to prove himself, but with anger, aggression then punishment. A relationship like this, only 6m in? NO. That's ASKING for an escalation of what may very well ramp up to be abuse.

Poppy yes, you are putting up with treatment that is beneath you, you don't need to.

Please don't return any of his calls, in fact if you do change your number it'd be the perfect retort to his pathetic attempts to blame shift and manipulate YOU.

Anyone who would ferret around in married NSA sites is not someone to go out with. (with apologies to ferrets)

Take back your life and don't let him do this to you.