Sure I'm not but how to handle it?

[Adviceinscotland]

Had a really shit week with dd1 (11) she needed a filling in one of her adult teeth. I know it's not the end of the world but I feel so bad that she has one already at this age.

She is a very sensitive soul and was really upset while getting the filling done, just seemed so stupid as it was avoidable.

Dentist himself said her teeth are beautifully clean and he can see she takes care of them but due to where the (tiny) hole was he thinks it's down to to many sweets.

I agreed that her dad and grandparents can be a bit generous with them, I am obviously just as much to blame as I have let it go on for so long but it was a big wake up call.

Anyway to get to the point I have said that from now on they are not getting as many sweets, I don't mind the occasional bit of chocolate but i want all the chews/candy floss/sour sprays etc to stop.

Dh was as upset as me about her teeth and agreed and I thought I had my parents on board but while putting them to bed tonight dd2 told me while they were out with gp's today she bought them chewy sweets and told them to keep it from me!

I've not spoke to her yet and I'm more angry about telling them to keep it from me (I spend my whole life telling them to never keep things from me) but I'm also upset she has undermined me with the sweets.

She takes them out once every few months but sees them every weekend and if it comes down to her saying she can do what she wants when they are with her what do I say? Am I being overly precious about saying no to sweets or would others agree that if she can't follow my rules she should not take them out and only see them in the house?

Dd1 had refused the sweets and came home with them in her bag but dd2 scoffed the lot!

well done to dd1,im impressed she didnt eat them.

i would just say exactly what you did in the post, if you cant follow my instructions and try to teach my children to be dishonest then you will not take them out again.

but you will probally be besiged by people who think your being pfb, but i dont think you are, your not saying no to sweets your just saying no to the worst ones.

I'd be cross too - so you are not BU.

Having said that, it's a bit unrealistic to expect that they'll NEVER have chewy sweets. Of course they will from time to time - it's having them too often that will cause dental problems. Once every few months, provided they clean their teeth well at the end of the day, won't turn them into toothless crones.

So overall, YANBU. But a bit unrealistic to think they'll never, ever have chewy sweets.

I think dd was just as shocked as me sock at needing a filling in a adult tooth that she has only had a few years.

I'm really surprised at your post.

11 is not young for a filling. I'm surprised at the dentist saying it was due to sweets - it's just as likely to be fruit surely.

I do think banning certain sweets is daft - if she ate at orange and didn't brush her teeth 20 minutes later then the same decay would occur if it was a sweet.

How about she eats what she likes but must brush her teeth 20 minutes after eating like dentists advise?

I can kind of see that they would like to treat the girls when they take them out.

Maybe you could say you don't mind some chocolate/crisps/something else, but that you'd prefer them not to have the chewy sweets etc? Lets them treat them, but cuts down the sugar. Especially if it is only occasionally that they take them out.

And certainly at 11, your DD is old enough to say "sorry I'm not allowed that, would it be ok if I had X instead"

I know they will sometimes have them but I thought if I said a complete no we could discuss at Halloween or Xmas that it was a treat and they could have a few.

If I said to cut down I think they would get confused about how much they could have iyswim

im an adult and i have apsolutly no fillings.

You aren't being unreasonable at all!

I've never had a filling all my life, I'm 21.
My brother who is 2 years younger than me had a filling at the age or 9. We'd always ate the same foods and same amount of sweets (not many

So it really isn't down to that mainly.

I know what you mean about her going behind your back when you're trying to teach your DD not to keep things from you, but GPs in my mind have a special dispensation when it comes to treats. (unless there's something you haven't said in your OP about any history with your mum).

This situation is different because it involves her getting a filling, which would probably make me something gently to her (as a starter) about it rather than laying down the law so she doesn't feel comfortable doing anything with them.

Sweets are OK so long as you brush your teeth after them, could she take her toothbrush out to your mums?

Explain to GPs that should the children be given sweets by them they are instructed not to eat them. If they eat them they'll be in trouble with you, so as a kindness to the children please don't buy them sweets as you are putting temptation in their way.
My children get enough sweets in party bags to last forever. As a rule we don't buy sweets at all. I wish they'd stop getting them in party bags.

I didn't think 11 was that young either, not when you hear of tiny children getting their milk teeth pulled for being in such bad condition.

Brush teeth 20 minutes after eating?

Haven't heard that one before.

NHS guide to brushing teeth says don't brush teeth straight after (Is 20 minutes the same as "straight after"?) but twice day before breakfast and before bed.

I was told you're not supposed to brush your teeth till after at least an hour after this was by the teeth hygiene people at the dentist. And that you're not supposed to rinse after brushing.

Until the age of 13 I hardly ever brushed my teeth. I had godawful breath and my adult teeth came in wonky or didn't come in at all and I had to have surgery under a general anaesthetic to pull them down. I am surprised and very lucky that I didn't have to have fillings at that point.

I don't know why, but I started brushing my teeth twice a day. I have four fillings now, and receding gums, but other than that my teeth and gums are healthy and I eat sweets and drink fizzy pop (I cringe when I think of it, but I have a bad habit of needing to be drinking something all the time and water gets boring).

It's more likely to be down to poor dental hygiene, and that can simply mean missing areas of the mouth when brushing.

Buy her a battery powered toothbrush which automatically switches off after two minutes. They are so much better for your teeth and gums than a normal toothbrush. I can't use a normal one now, as my mouth still feels barely touched after using it.

Get her into the habit of brushing her teeth three times a day if possible, waiting about half an hour after any acidic or fizzy drinks so as to reduce the risk of wear of enamel. At school she could carry a bottle of mouthwash. If you can get her using floss a couple of times a week then that's a bonus. Having a clean mouth feels fantastic.

Oops. I didn't even address the reason for the AIBU

Her grandparents are ignoring your wishes and that's unacceptable. Whatever they think of your methods, you are the parent and it's up to you. If they can't respect your decision then they can't be surprised if visits are restricted to supervised only.

20 minutes at least is to avoid people doing it straight after, or you can eat a small piece of cheese to neutralise the acids if you can't brush

I was told fillings weren't really to be attributed to sweets but just to how you good your teeth were.

my dentist says dont do that as well something to do with the enamel being softer after eating.

apparently eating cheese helps.

but this isant just a sweet issue, i would never give a child something i knew they were not allowed then instruct them not to tell a parent. no matter what relation that child was to me.

you clearly said you didnt mind them having none chewey/spray sweets the gp's can treat them with the ones they can have. why on earth do they need to intentionally 'treat' them with something that is not allowed.

i have a very low opinun of people who feel they have to buy love like this,because thats exactly what it is and its done to undermine and make them look like the goodies (as in not baddies not those weird 70's tv people)

This could be absolute rubbish - but on QI, Stephen Fry said that crisps were far worse for your teeth than sweets. This is because mushed up crisps cling to the teeth for ages, and the starch in them is as bad as sugar.

I told my dentist this and he did a face - so I dunno.

YANBU

Apart from the sweet issue you're quite right to be upset at her sneaking around and getting your children to lie to you, that is not on at all and needs to stop otherwise what else will be going on that you don't know about?

I think 11 is very young for a filling in an adult tooth (though not so much if it had have been a milk tooth) but don't beat yourself up too much. It's always a good idea to limit sweets but some children are just more prone to these things and it could have just as easily been caused by fruit juices etc. sounds like you're already on top of any problems

I got a right lecture about too many sweets from my dentist when my DD needed a filling, the fact is she doesn't like them because I have never bought them do kiwi fruit is the likely culprit and which pointbhecsaud well no more of those then. What planet are these people on.

I think you need to be more worried about the gp saying to keep it a secret from you. Your parents need a talking to.

Yes, I think the issue is the GPS teaching your dcs to lie to you. That is the part that
needs addressing

This used to drive me mad about my sisters in law and MIL who would by dd big bags of sweets. We put our foot down and they don't anymore. Thank fully.