A little perspective please.

[FoxSake]

ok having been fully flamed in AIBU and swearing never to do another I find myself in the position of needing a little perspective. I have my period, I am tired I may be being irrational.

I was supposed to be going out tonight dh new this, stopped at supermarket on the way home and got nice stuff for older dc and beer for himself. He rang and said what do we need, I say formula and a can of red bull. He arrives, he has neither he has forgotten.

I hand over dc to him at about 5.45 to go and get ready I say "baby dd won't go to bed till a bit later as she had a 2 hour nap from 3-5. I have a bath que constant stream of children and dh banging on the door asking me how long I will be. I come out about 6 and dh is taking baby dd into bath to bath her, usual bedtime routine, again I say she won't sleep early due to nap. He says he is taking her into play, she refuses to get in the bath, she is nearly 10m, I have to go and assist. She lasts about 2 mins, he gets her out dresses her for bed and then leaves her upstairs with me where she cries and climbs up the back of my legs I have to multi task.

Eventually after me giving her back to him he takes her to bed at 6.45 gives her a bottle and as in puts her in the cot with it and leaves her. She cries, a lot. I go back and forth trying to get her to sleep he decides he will go out and get formula he arrives back with formula and then says can I stay whilst he goes and gets himself a take away, I am now late, baby is still crying he goes out for 15mins where baby then becomes hysterical. I go in, she has a horrible cold, I pick her up and rock her to sleep she gets snot all over my dress. I have nothing else suitable to wear, I'm so pissed off with I just got into my pyjamas and text my friends my apologies.

He hasn't spoken to me after saying something like "oh i'm sorry I made a mistake" in a sarcastic voice and has now taken himself off to sleep on the sofa.

I do not wish to leave the bastard but AIBU or do I need to apologise. Sorry I know it's really petty but I have to admit when I have my period I can be quite irrational not going may have been over the top but by that point I was tired, felt like shit about how I looked and just generally could no longer be arsed. I'm sort of failing to see how he is angry with me, perhaps you lot could enlighten me,[ gently] please

What time did you decide not to go out? It is par for the course these days with my friends that someone will turn up half way through a meal having been delayed by a DC crisis. Just part of parenthood!

Do you think DH objected to you going out? Was he being deliberately helpless/useless? Seems unusually awkward/disorganised to go out to the supermarket for formula and not just pick up a pizza while there?

Next time, don't get dressed until the very last minute, don't worry about running a bit late (better to see you than not) just text your friends once you are on the way and tell them to have a large glass of wine sitting waiting for you!

YANBU btw but knowing how difficult it is to get out the door on time once you have DC could YOU perhaps have been slightly more organised?

Probably Sarah, I just feel like I'm always the one that has to be organised.

I'd have got into that situation too, DP would be saying you should have gone...and you should have. I think though, I'd have sponged the snot off.
If you offer help, it will be taken.
Lesson for next time!

Next time start drinking vodka while you're getting ready so when he moans you can just tell him you're half pissed already so you can't do anything he wants you to and he has to deal with it.

A fab plan

You're a mum. Snot/porridge/sick is a mandatory on EVERY piece of clothing we own.

Wipes are a mums best friend. Quick dab, and voila snot disappears.

If you really wanted to go, you would have left. Sounds like you weren't excited enough to go out.

There are takeaways that deliver, it would have been him that had to deal with baby if she wouldn't settle because he chose to put her to bed early.

He is a perfectly functional adult and by getting involved you cost yourself a night out. Instead of mummy martyring to the rescue you should have just let your husband, who you judged competent enough to look after DC while you were out, look after DC while you were getting ready his own way.
Had you left him to sort it out you'd probably be having a lovely time right now, so would your DH and the kids would have enjoyed a bit of just dad time.
Don't sort all the shit out, or have stupid 'Dad 'babysits' (yuk) ' preparedness plans - he's an adult, I stress again, looking after his own kids, he can find the fridge, bathroom and car by himself. Your baby would have clearly told him she wasn't ready and would doubtless have been helping daddy by stealing his chow mein and sucking the remote while having a cuddle fairly soon.

Next time, explain and show him that you know he is an intelligent man and loving father that you trust and he can get on with it for one night, by letting him do just that. If my husband did to me what you did to yours the collective power of MN would have set him on fire through the screen!

Seriously though, I'm sorry you missed a night out and are feeling shit. I hope your husband apologises for being a silly sod at the end and you apologise for all the rest of it and then you all feel better.

fake it's true it was an effort to be getting out after a week at work etc however I felt like if I could have been drinking vodka in the bath whilst getting ready instead of it being such hard work i would have enjoyed myself. I was going out with a group of new friends also not an easy thing at the moment, dh knew this.

Illage, he didn't go and pick her back up though he left her to scream for what turned in 45 mins by which time she was hysterical and he had gone out. I did actually try to ignore the situation for a bit but I can't leave her like that she is a easy baby and was only screaming because she had been put in her cot In the dark alone when she wasn't tired.

Thank your for your kind words though [weak smile]

I've done the same thing. Now I make myself leave the house very soon after DP arrives home to avoid 75 request and questions (where's his pyjamas? should I wash his hair? Can you just get me his cream?). Even if my hair is still damp, my makeup half done and I know i will come home to find DS asleep on Daddy's arm in our bed wearing a bizarre combination of garments and with chocolate still on his face. Just get out and leave him to deal with it!

He left her because he knew you'd sort her out. If you'd been out he wouldn't have done it and would have had to deal with it.

Right. Next time you are going out can you get ready somewhere else? Like your Mums or a mates? Maybe the one of the people you're going out with.

Then go home drop of the supplies necessary for the evening give kisses goodbye and go out. Don't give the opportunity for yourself to get side tracked, just breeze in and breeze out.

They'll be fine for an evening, he'll cope, he was just being useless to manipulate you into not going out.

Know I'm abit late but bascially bollocks to making sure there's something in the fridge for him to eat, ffs he's an adult too, men only behave like children if they get treated like them

Next time just go, he'll live, they all will

I sort of have agree with sooper. I'm cross because why should I have to go out to get ready, that takes more planning and organisation and I'm a grown woman and why should I have to leave him somehing to eat, there was plenty of food, he wanted a take away.

When he goes out he doesn't have to do these things. What he should have done was listened to me and played with the baby for 45 mins whilst I got ready waved me off with all dc in pjs smiling nicely and waving and then put them to bed, suitably tired. What he wanted was a night in with a take away some beer an sleeping dc.

I take full responsibility for getting involved but then it's sort of hard not to with a crying baby pulling herself up your tights.

I undertand he didn't this time - but it does come across that it wasn't necessarily what would have happened if you hadn't had the whole bathroom scene beforehand - leaving her crying wasn't the start of it, it was already past the point of no return. That really would be my DH's way of telling me to get to fuck.

If you usually do everything and plan an evening for him to the nth degree so his responsibility is just having to exist and he usually asks you a lot of questions to which your answer is not 'this is usual but whatever you think best, you're in charge' but instead a detailed answer, or just doing the thing he was asking about everytime, he has no way of knowing telepathically that this time you expect something else. Humans are lazy beasts and not using your initiative is very much easier than doing it - don't do it for him, stop feeling like you need to be organised all the time, if it's getting wearing and you are being taken for granted a bit - tell him and then if he doesn't do it, tough he can deal with the consequences. You aren't his mother too.
Also if it pisses you off that things happen in a certain way but you never tell him then it's only you you have to blame - he might well be being unreasonable but unless you married mystic Meg then no-one can be blamed for not being able to read your mind.

You can both apologise and then lay out a plan of expectation, you can wait for him to apologise even though he's probably feeling aggrieved and guilty in equal measure or you don't wait, for it to blow over and then have it happen again.

I really do hope you feel better.

I agree with everyone else. You were daft not to go out, but it was you that made that decision, not him.

Jeez I would have thrown a takeaway delivery leaflet at him and ran out of the house...having baby wiped the snot off my dress.

If you agree with Sooper OP and are going to take the hard line rather than organise things yourself (I'm not saying that is wrong) then you have to follow through not give up part way through then sulk in your pj's

You should have stuck glitter to the snot to make it a sophisticated applique feature on the dress and gone out.

Ha ha, I'll remember that one for next time. Bridget, I in fact I could have done with that the other day I was in a meeting and I looked down to so see tiny yoghurt hand marks on my top and a massive yoghurt opened mouth shape on my shoulder with a lovely snail trail from her nose above it, I had no baby wipes to hand so I went to the loo and used wet tissue. If you are ever in this predicament my advice would be whatever you do, do not use wet tissue.