to not go to my brother's birthday/early Christmas meal out (mumsnet jury needed)

[DontGrumbleGiveAWhistle]

Background;
I'm 36, DB 31. Only 5 years between us but I'm married with 3 children, 4, 3 and 1 and DB is free and single.

We have a small circle of babysitters: my mum, MIL and an older lady who does some housekeeping for us. However given the children's ages (very young) and given the ages of the babysitters (68, 71 and 72) we always try (unless unavoidable for weddings etc) to have the children in bed as it's a full on job putting medicating cream on DC3, doing baths, stories and settling etc and we don't think it's fair on them.

DB has never and will never try to understand that my life is very different from his. Examples

• his 30th birthday party I had an EBF 3 month old (along with a 3 and 2 year old) and he insisted that everyone was at his party at 7.30 (NO exceptions) even though the meal wasn't going to be served till 8.30.
• I asked him to babysit once, DC1 was 20 months and DC2 was 6 weeks. MIL put DC1 to bed and DB was to sit in the house from 8 pm until we arrived back from a wedding - we had brought DC2 with us (EBF) (estimated time of arrival home 9.30). As meal and speeches didn't end as expected we didn't arrive home till 10.15. DB complains about it still. I have never again asked him to babysit.
• I put a save the date in his diary for DC2's birthday for either the Sat or Sun of DC2's birthday weekend. As I never confirmed with him closer to the time he told our mum that as he wasn't specifically invited he wouldn't go (didn't bother picking up the phone to me to clarify the date).

The issue:
DB is leaving in Dec for a holiday to Oz for 6 weeks. He has decided to invite a small number of people to what he has called a birthday/Christmas meal - 6 people. Mum, DB, myself, DH and 2 others.
DH already has tickets to an event at 5pm that evening and will be free by 8.00. I let DB know this. He proposed 8.30 in a very specific restaurant that he wants to go to. No problem - I can get the children to bed and asleep by that time and the babysitter can come to watch over them.

DB comes back to say booked for 6.30. I reply saying that DH can't make it and that I need to look into babysitters (as my mum will be at the meal we will have to rely on MIL as housekeeper doesn't put children to bed, so we are now down to one option.) DB: "Forgot about DHs tickets - no other time available in restaurant. Let me know if you can come".

So (eventually getting to the point)...
If this is DB's celebratory Christmas/birthday dinner with family AIBU in expecting him to be a bit flexible in booking the meal in another restaurant on the same night but at a time that suits? We live in a large city with multiple options for fine dining (which this restaurant falls into).

I'm seriously thinking about not even bothering to ask MIL to babysit and telling DB that we don't have a sitter.

OP by asking his permission to feed your baby at 10.30 you are feeding a control freak. Please Stop that.

You are a grown up and don't need this mans permission to leave table, feed baby etc. and if he comments send him withering look or better yet tell him "fuck off lighten up bro"

Suggest a lunch at said restaurant and bring your kids, if it is a family meal?

You asking him is the problem, it's giving him the impression he's got control over everyone he invites.

Is this right, he wouldn't let you leave at 10.30 to feed your baby and you went along with that?

If it is, what stopped you from telling him where to get off??

How did he phrase telling the thirty people that they had to be there on the dot?

I can't believe people play along with him.

What does he do for a living? Am intrigued by his me me me behaviour.

He sounds a right arse.

I just wouldn't go.

Oh no - am in danger of drip feeding!!
My father died when the family was very young. DB only boy among 4 siblings and the youngest to boot (oh yes and he was a surprise too!). Mum worships him and doesn't see his weaknesses. 2 DS live abroad and it's DB and myself at home. Due to our circumstances (3 babies in a short period) DB has been much more active in helping mum in the last 4 years which mum really appreciates.

HipHopOpotomus We are from a family of very strong personalities and have no problem standing up to each other but I hate to make mum feel bad (she hates confrontation). So in general I have no problem ruling the roost and telling him to fuck off (and have done so in the past) but like to 'protect' my mum from sibling bitchiness

MrsToddsShortcut Yes it's the family dynamic that I'm conscious of.

just don't go. repeat ad nauseum that you have a prior engagement for that noight and are therefore unable to attend. smile politely, then stand back and watch the hissy fit in a detached manner... like a toddler having a tantrum. repeat, prior engagement and all that as necessary.

have confidence in yourself to know that you are not being unreasonable.

I was just about to ask whether he was the youngest 'golden boy'

Sorry to hear bout your Dad.

Your brother though, he's helping your mum...good, that is what he is supposed to do. No excuse for being selfish otherwise!

Thanks all - my first (non trivial) AIBU. Delighted with the result

Yanbu - just go for a meal another time.

The only people I know who celebrate Christmas early are those about to go to Afghanistan for 6 months. I can't believe you are all going along with this fiasco for a 31 year old going on a 6 week holiday? He does sound incredibly precious.

cerealqueen he doesn't really 'do' children. He has been better since my mum's meeting but he would never have them at a restaurant (also this restaurant wouldn't have them - far too posh!)

A 6wk holiday & he still wants/gets to celebrate b/day Christmas on his terms & everyone is bending over backwards to accomodate him?

He chose to go away then!

YAB abit U.

AIBU in expecting him to be a bit flexible in booking the meal in another restaurant on the same night but at a time that suits?

So you want him to essentially change everything about his night out but the day to suit you.

Incidentally you say he says: Forgot about DHs tickets - no other time available in restaurant. Let me know if you can come.

Reading that it sounds to me like he doesn't particularly want you to come and might have, ahem, accidentally booked it at a time that he doesn't think you will make it.

You obviously don't like each other very much, I wouldn't bother going.

bridgetbidet
AIBU in expecting him to be a bit flexible in booking the meal in another restaurant on the same night but at a time that suits?

I should really have stated that to be
AIBU in expecting him to be a bit flexible in booking the meal in another restaurant on the same night but at a time that we originally agreed once he had established that DH had his prior engagement?

So I think that your second point is very valid - he's not too bothered

I don't think he's bothered either OP

When you describe him he just sounds like a tosser to me, but from your posts you obviously care very much about this particular tosser, it must hurt for him to brush you off like you're nothing to him.

I know what that feels like, but you need to back away from him a bit else he's just going to carry on fucking you off.

You've accepted you're two totally different types of people, you probably wouldn't put up with him if he wasn't your brother. You don't have to tell anyone you're backing off, you can still see him on your own terms, but you need to limit the ways he has of excluding you.

Yeah, I think if it was a genuine clash then I would say it was a bit unreasonable to ask him to change it all.

But it sounds like he's not changing or being accommodating because he's not bothered about you going.

Just don't go. You're not bothered about going and he's not making an effort to get you there so don't go. It doesn't sound like you care about missing it or that he is bothered if you miss it so I don't see what you're worried about, just don't go.