I feel so lonely, but what can I do?

[nilbyname]

I think IABU, but bear with me.

Myself and DH are (were) part of a group of 8 couples. We used to do a fair amount together, dinner get togethers, days at the seaside, camping and so on. we have all had kids, things have tapered off a bit, but we still make the effort with birthdays and so on.

When I say things have tapered off, it is more the case that one of the couples has made some new friends, and my old group has been subsumed into this new group. All apart from me and DH. So I am sort of on the outside of this social circle and it hurts. It is not done with any malice or any thing like that (I think) so I need to take it on the chin.

Thing is though I feel ever so lonely. They are all going out to dinner tonight and me and DH are not. Last week they were all at a big party together. Not me and DH. Now Dh and I have other friends, and we do other things, juts not as often as we would like and to be frank. I prefer the company of my original group!

To compound matters my dad is very ill, and I feel like I am not much fun, and my confidence has gone. I have met this other group afew time and I feel all needy and a bit weird around them, like I have a flashing light above me that says "like me like me!"

I have spoken to a couple of my good friends about this and they have reassured me that of course it is nothing personal and that it is a good thing to have a wider group of mates. I agree in principle.

So, I know I am being unreasonable to feel like this, and it makes me feel like a school girl again, not being in with the in crowd.

Sorry rambling on now. How to feel better?!

Are they a tiny bit insensitive to how it might be making me feel, or do I just need to grow up a bit?

You've spoken quite a bit about whether they like you, but do you like them.

Im wondering if you haven't stopped and thought about whether these are really people you want to be friends with or just because they are part on the group.

Agree with fuckadoodlepoopoo, think about the people you like, who you have fun with and invite them. Maybe that might be some of the old group and some of the new.
Confide in a good friend how you have been feeling, and about your dad. You ne somebody to talk to.
Nurture those relationships that are important to you. This time next year the whole thing could have fractured for whatever reason.

Are your old group still inviting you to things?

Ie is it that you are still being invited to stuff when it is the original 7 but they are organising less as some of their "socialising time" is going on these new friends.

Or are your original friends also now not inviting you either?

I'm a firm believer that friendships are organic and so will change over time. Very few people actually sit down and plan who they will and won't be friends with. So keep doing stuff with your old group. If some of the new group are there while you are planning invite them too.

Incidentally I have been part of a "contrived friendship thing" where a girl who was friendly with some people in our friendship group invited the entire friendship group over to hers. I was one of those who "liked the girl but we are not particularly friendly". I knew what she was doing but mainly thought it was nice of her to bother to cook for me. We are now friends and, as we both have young kids and are off on the same day, I sometimes see her without the others.

fukcadoodle you make a good point, I wonder how much I am getting out of these relationships, and that is a good point for reflection.

mummytokate yes I think that is true to, the whole organic thing.

I think I might have to accept that people move on (sob) and that things change (sob) and to be a bit more proactive about what is happening and not so much about "them" doing stuff without me.

So I will do birthday drinks at the end of the month and invite everyone and that is a good thing, and then let the rest of it wash over me a bit.

I think I might talk to my GP as I used to be alt more able to roll with the punches, but feel a lot more sensitive to things now.

proud I think me and DH are good company. I think!