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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to talk to mother of boy having party on Sat night before I agree to my DS (14) going to it?

41 replies

bitweepy · 10/10/2012 17:21

Just want to canvass opinion to see if IABU. DS (14) come home and said there's a party on Sat night for X's birthday (he'll be 15). This is first "proper" house party my DS has been invited to. I do not know the other boy and there appears to be only 1 other boy going that I have met. AIBU to want to check things out with the mother of the host - I want to be sure there will be adult supervision primarily, and that she is aware party is taking place, and really just want to check out the lie of the land IYSWIM. I knew first house party was likely to arise this year but could have done with a bit longer before having to face it - I suppose my main concerns are general silliness leading to daft/dangerous activities/alcohol/poss. drugs. I know I have to learn to "let go" within reasonable parameters but am not sure what is reasonable at this point! Any wise words of advice/views very welcome (am expecting a mixture of views, I think, but will at least help me to think it all through).

OP posts:

pearlie · 11/10/2012 11:35

Sorry, tired. Should say NYANBU ;)

PropositionJoe · 11/10/2012 11:42

Speaking to the parents will only allow you to check that they know about the party (and have you tried the phone book for their landline number?). It won't let you find out whther there will be what you consider proper supervision as some people are utterly bonkers people's ideas of this vary wildly.

Original poster

bitweepy · 15/10/2012 16:35

Hi there, wanted to thank you all for your input and bring you up to date... Rang landline several times and spoke to mother, who said they would be there and it was just a few friends coming round to do their own thing ... Then had chat with DS about alcohol, drugs etc. Feeling reasonably confident that I have done all I can.

All geared up to take him there on Sat evening when he comes downstairs and says party is cancelled. Ok, says I, we'll have a nice quiet night in, which he seemed to enjoy.

Fast forward to last night when, right in the middle of Downton (whole other thread!!) he comes in and says actually, should tell you party wasn't cancelled but I decided not to go because there was a boy going who I don't get on with and I didn't want there to be any trouble. Congratulated him on being sensible, asked if there was anything we needed to know about "trouble" between him and this boy - he says not - so I then spend half the night wondering what's going on.

He came home from school a little while ago and said his day hadn't been that good and it was all my fault because "the whole school" knew you were the only mum who phoned up about the party and he had had the mickey taken all day. Also, that because I had phoned, the party mum had decided to stay at the party to supervise - apparently had originally just going to be the uncle who would have been upstairs. (For the record, I don't believe my call had anything to do with this.) I pointed out that he just needed to ignore it and it would all be forgotten by tomorrow, and that the party boy clearly not such a good friend if he had been telling everyone I phoned.

Grrr, I jolly well hope it is some time before another invite comes his way, I can't deal with the aggro/stress!

OP posts:

grovel · 15/10/2012 16:51

FWIW, my DS (now 21) told me the other day that until he was 18-ish he preferred the host's parents to be around. He never said so at the time.

lambethlil · 15/10/2012 16:55

and for you and your son.

I've been in this situation and it's awful.
Doing the right thing, which is what you did, and doing what everyone else is doing are sometimes not the same thing. It's hard enough, as adults, to look around and see that everyone else is doing something that we're not comfortable with, let alone for our DCs.

MaryZed · 15/10/2012 17:19

Well I don't think much of the party mum for telling her son you rang . So much for parent solidarity.

I hate parents like that.

You know, the ones who say "of course you can do whatever you want little Johnny/Mary, you know I'll let you, it's only those other nasty parents with those precious children who are spoiling all your fun".

ds2 knows a few boys with parents like this [bitter].

OldCatLady · 15/10/2012 17:30

I have to be honest, at a 15 year olds party there is a high probably alcohol will be available. From about the age if 14, all parties I went to included alcohol, and only about 50% had adult supervision.

My brother is 16 and always drinks at parties, but he knows his boundaries, and we buy him beer or cider so that he's not drinking spirits! I just think its part of growing up.

Obviously everyone is different, and at 14 I totally understand why you would want to check out this party; but agree that you also need to talk to her about it and ask whether she thinks there will be alcohol.

Though I do think a 14-15 year old party will be drug free even if alcohol is involved!

OldCatLady · 15/10/2012 17:32

Oh I see I was a bit late in my reply. But I think you did the right thing, the mum was totally out of order for saying anything; and you are totally right, it will all blow over!

BellaVita · 15/10/2012 17:35

I would always ring the "party" house and check.

I don't care if I am the only mother to do this either.

prettybird · 15/10/2012 17:36

Reminds me of the time that my parents went away for the weekend and my db (who is 18 months younger than me but was much more of a party animal) never even knew.

I must have been about 17 and a half and worked out a scheme with mum and dad whereby I "took" them breakfast in bed, then they "went out", came back in and "had a quick snack" before "going out to a film/the theatre/friends" before "getting back" late . Had to rumple their bedclothes and leave out dirty plates to keep the illusion going.

It's a few decades on and he still doesn't know!

hazelnutlatte · 15/10/2012 17:51

I think you did the right thing, even if your son doesn't agree. When I was 14 I used to go to house parties where everyone got very very drunk, people were having sex in the bedrooms and one one occasion we all got kicked out at 3am as the neighbors threatened to call the police!
The parents of the party host used to go away for weeks at a time and leave her to it. My parents had no clue and thought I was going to sleepovers, it was years later before I realised what a dangerous situation I had been in.

AGhoulfromtheCrypt · 15/10/2012 17:56

Prettybird, that's amazing!

complexnumber · 15/10/2012 18:00

I started going to 'house parties' aged about 14/15. There was always booze, normally quite openly.

When I was around 16/17 we would normally have a few in the pub beforehand. Occasionally hash was available.

Parents were not normally around, sometimes fights developed that spilled into the streets.

Oh! One other thing... this was nearly 40 years ago.

Aren't the youth of today awful!

lambethlil · 15/10/2012 18:06

complexnumber

No-one has suggested the DCs are getting up to anything we didn't...

Doesn't have anything to do with whether it's ok.

Mummiesarescary · 15/10/2012 19:04

He can't be much of a friend, as I said earlier when ds1 had a party only one parent rang. Ds1 knew she was ringing as he had to give her my number. None of the other kids had a problem with it.

Your son sounds very sensible

complexnumber · 15/10/2012 19:20

lambethlil:
No-one has suggested the DCs are getting up to anything we didn't...

That's quite true.

(Maybe I'm just reminicing.)

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