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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL always has to move the goal posts

44 replies

EdgeofGlory · 10/10/2012 17:03

MIL.........massive control freak, always takes a mile when given a good inch.

We don't have a close relationship because of her behaviour and the pressure it puts on our already fragile marriage. We've hired a cottage for a long weekend and invited them over for a 'night or two'. She's replied telling me they'll be there for 3 nights ie the majority of our weekend.

Why does she do this every time and think it's totally acceptable? We have invited them for Xmas this year (offered the invite months ago to avoid the usual pressure pressure pressure) but I KNOW they'll back my husband into a corner about coming Xmas eve instead of the Xmas day invite.

Feeling really fed up and wishing I'd kept my big mouth shut, I was only trying to be kind Sad

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 10/10/2012 18:48

I understand how you feel-I try to be nice for everyone's sake and then end up being bulldozed into stuff. If you don't like confrontation (like me) it's really hard to stand up to people, but I think there comes a point where you have to say enough is enough. It is YOUR family holiday, YOUR family Xmas, and if you don't stand up and say something you'll be resentful years on. I know this from experience, so please make a stand now, and hopefully things will be easier in future!

Trifle · 10/10/2012 18:56

Have they slipped a new marriage vow in the ceremony saying 'as a wife you have a duty to encourage your husband's relationship with his parents'. Hmm, no, thought not.

Stop being such a martyr, it's not your duty to foster relations on behalf of your husband and his parents. He's had that job a lot longer than you.

Why invite them for Christmas if you expect them to drive 300 miles on Christmas morning instead of coming the night before. That is unreasonable of you.

Just because they are related doesnt mean you have to trawl up the motorway every month or so to 'foster' relations with the grandkids. Mine see their gp's twice a year and have an excellent relationship with them.

JoshLyman · 10/10/2012 19:41

You need to tell them when to come and go.

MIL, we've hired a cottage and thought you could come over on Friday afternoon at 3 ish, stay the night and leave Saturday after lunch. Can you make it?'

MIL, come to us on Xmas morning at 10.00 for a brunch, then we'll do dinner and have a nice breakfast on Boxing Day before we have to go off to XYZ for lunch. Can you make that?'

Give her specifics and phrase is as a yes or no answer. If it's no, then you don't give any other options and just say what a shame it all is.

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 10/10/2012 19:47

Trifle I've invited them to stay over for Xmas but to arrive Xmas day rather than Xmas eve, I don't see that as unreasonable at all? They arrive at midday, having the afternoon, Xmas dinner, evening, stay over (we have no spare bedroom so that's the difficulty also - hence not Xmas eve, so the children are all in their own beds). Then they have booking day to relax and head off later in the afternoon - I think that's extremely fair.

My husband struggles to stand up to them hence they trample over him and then my H and I clash because they dictate everything.

Anyway, I've rung and asked 'are you staying one night or two so we can plan trips?' .......a stuttered two was answered so that's that.....for now. I'll just have to be strong when they get there and 'forget' to go home.

Thanks for the rant space, I realise many people are in the same position and Xmas especially causes problems. My husbands sibling doesn't have them either at Xmas or weekend visits so it's always awkward.

OP posts:
brass · 10/10/2012 20:15

likewise OP I was quite specific about the time. She still phoned in the morning saying she had to drop something off. I was sat at the table when she came in with her tray of crap. I didn't acknowledge her presence in anyway and DH promptly walked her out the door. We both agreed we'd done enough family duty and been utterly disappointed each time.

ledkr · 10/10/2012 20:42

I sympathise op mil is the same. Lots of support on here but occasionally people don't understand how hard it is to deal with as she is dh mum at the end of the day I can't expect him to be to hard on her.
So far she overstepped the mark on several holidays our wedding numerous visits and the birth of our baby.
Most recently she has tried to get us to go on holiday with them. We said no as we can't afford two hols and want to holiday on our own. We explained this so now she is paying. We feel backed into a corner now and the holiday will stil cost us and use up our leave. It's so hard to keep control when they are so manipulative,but we are getting better.
She will regret taking me on holiday anyway Grin

Jux · 10/10/2012 21:39

I got a surprise visit from my MIL one day at 6ish. She said her dh was in the car but he had insisted they stop to ask my opinion Hmm

They were going for dinner at her best friend's place, invited for 7:30. The friend had said specifically to MIL not to arrive early. MIL's dh was furious as MIL was insisting that they leave 'now' so they had arrived an hour and a half early! DH and I lived 5 minutes walk away from this friend, so sFIL had refused to drive any further and made MIL come up and ask me what I thought.

Even though I said that if you've been asked not to arrive early then it's rude to do so, MIL just kept on saying "but we're best friends. She won't mind." in vain did I point out that that was even more reason to do as your friend asks, MIL simply wouldn't have it.

They arrived at the friend's house an hour and a half early, MIL refusing to stay with me for a cuppa, or anything, as I tried to dissuade her from pissing off her bf (why did I bother?!).

I'd been married for less than 2 months, and should have taken it as a strong warning.

So, people like this are a nightmare. The only way is to be firm and very very clear. Also, living a long way away helps (we moved 150 miles away in the end).

BlueSkySinking · 10/10/2012 23:00

Just email back and say that that you are planning some time alone so it's 2 nights only and which 2 would she like?

crumpet · 10/10/2012 23:10

She does sound a Pain. But expecting them to do a 600 mile round trip for one night only is v unwelcoming- particularly at Christmas. Get that Xmas eve not a good night for them to stay mind you

lanternfestival · 11/10/2012 05:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leena49 · 11/10/2012 06:23

Be more assertive. Stop being a meek little mouse. Tell her the plan.

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 11/10/2012 11:28

ledkr are you sure we don't share the same in-laws?!!! We had the wedding invite tantrum, birth visit tantrum, holiday invite tantrum (but we did stand firm on this even though they offered to pay).

I'm the strong one, then they ring DH at work and wear him down, then I email and clarify etc etc it usually ends up with periods of no contact.

We offers to meet half way once a month but that wasn't good enough either.

Can you believe my DH considered their controlling impact when we decided to have children - how sad is that!

I'm tough with them because I have to be but it is difficult for my DH probably doesn't help that my DH adores my parents and chooses to spend lots of time with them

Next time i'll marry an orphan!!

OP posts:
bagofholly · 11/10/2012 11:44

Why were you so vague if you know she always takes a mile? That's the bit I don't get.

Original poster
EdgeofGlory · 11/10/2012 11:50

It doesn't matter if I'm vague or specific, I specified 1 or 2. Usually she'll tell me what she's doing irrespective of what we offered.

Anyway I've dealt with it now, I just need to ensure they go after the agreed last night and not tell me they're staying on Angry

OP posts:
bagofholly · 11/10/2012 12:00

Well it does matter because by being vague it sends the message that you're not bothered about how long they stay, whereas if you say "and would you like to come late Saturday, stay and then we can have breakfast together on Sunday morning before you leave" then there's no confusion.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2012 12:04

Why do you invite them at all?

'But in future, you have no duty to your husband in his access to his parents. He can go and see them on his own, he can take the kids with him if he wants to.
It is patronizing to him to assume he cannot arrange visits with his parents without you.'

This.

BeatTheClock · 11/10/2012 12:12

Also you're showing her your hand too early by saying come for 2 nights. She just thinks I'll push it to three.

Undersell the offer. Say come for 1 night and she'll push it up to twoWink

Or better still don't invite her at all for nights. Can't they just be invited for dinner or the afternoon or meet up half way for lunch?

Pushy people have thick skins and rely on others being too sensitive or polite to be confrontational. Take control and be a little pushy back yourself. I've had to be more like this with my mil. Give mine an inch and she takes the M4. I'm not comfortably like that either but if I don't control things she controls us, or tries. Ie learn 'no'.

brass · 11/10/2012 12:22

Try not to get drawn into games though. It's better to be clear if you're offering 2 nights then that is her boundary. I think it can get messy otherwise and you will have stooped to her level. If you say 1 and let her stay 2 surely the message to her mind is that you're malleable.

Better to be unmoving. Then she knows what to expect.

suburbophobe · 11/10/2012 12:38

it's 2 nights only and which 2 would she like?

I think this is a bad idea as then you are still letting her rule your family time.

Just say the specific nights that are suitable for you.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! (Something I'm still dealing with too...).

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