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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

out of control step son moving in?

28 replies

aliceham · 09/10/2012 21:01

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we have 2 DD's together, and i love our little family and we are really happy together. But recently my partners ex has asked us if we will have my partners teenage son (who we rarely see) live with us, as she cannot cope with him anymore, as he getting into fights, and is out of control.

I have always known that my partner would love to have his son live with him, and i wish i could say yes. But the thought fills me with anxiety and pannic!

I'm scared that if i say no, my DP will resent me, but if i say yes it will be me taking care of him, as I am a stay at home mum and my DP isn't the disaplining type.

Already having two small babies, I already struggle to get a break, I rarely get chance to eat, or even use the loo. I really don't think I could phisically and mentally cope with this!

I'm scared that we will have no choice but to have DP's son live with us, and it will tear my family apart. Im only 25! I really don't know if I can cope with an out of control teenager aroung my two little girls! Or am i just being unreasonable and selfish? As my partner says he can't just watch his son turn into a trainreck! I really don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:

vj32 · 09/10/2012 21:08

I think you need to tell your partner what you have just said. He needs to be doing the disciplining, or at least laying down the ground rules and then backing you up.

Why do you rarely see the SS and how old is he?
Do you have a bedroom for him and is it possible for him to stay at the same school?

honeytea · 09/10/2012 21:08

You may be supprised and the step son might be a big softy around the girls, it might even give you a chance to go to the loo in peace.

lunar1 · 09/10/2012 21:58

I think I would have been an out of control teenager if I thought neither of my parents wanted me in their house.

maras2 · 09/10/2012 22:07

How old is he? There's a big difference between a 13 year old and a 19 year old.

TinyDancingHoofer · 09/10/2012 22:08

Maybe have a 4 week trial?
Think how awful it'd be if SS really went off the rails and became a junkie/got arrested/ stole a car, crashed it and died/ something really terrible. Surely he deserves a chance?
Would you really want your DDs to have a father who would turn away his own child? He is after all, their brother. I don't mean to be mean but i don't think you can say no unless he is violent/abusive/ a danger to your children.

missymoomoomee · 09/10/2012 22:13

He is your dps son, he has just as much of a place in your house as your dc have. He won't 'tear your little family apart' he is part of your family.

lunar1 · 09/10/2012 22:14

What would happen after the 4 week trial? Maybe you could role swap if you dont want to be a SAHM, you go out to work and your partner stays at home. I feel really uncomfortable about children being given ultimatums on their home, the pressure that puts on him would make him more likely to act out.

FGS a child is for life, not just until you split up and have a new happy little family to replace them.

Bubblegum78 · 09/10/2012 22:16

I think you need to be honest with your DH, tell him what you have told us.

As for the son, if he is going to live with you, you and your DH will have to sit him down, explain that you aware of his bad behaviour and are more than willing to have have him with you but only on the proviso that he does not display the same behaviour, not just because of impressional LO's; or he will start out resenting them, but simply because his behaviour is unacceptable in the first place.

Make it clear you love him, welcome him and are prepared to support him in any way he needs, but that there are ground rules that must be adhered to, maybe a 3 strikes and you're out policy?

Yes, to some degree you are in a position where you cannot veto him but that does NOT mean that it should be at any cost. You are right to be concerned about any negative effect on your own children as they are so young and to be fair, when you have a lovely, happy life, the thought of anybody dismantling it is disturbing.

Good luck. xx

Viperidae · 09/10/2012 22:17

Could you talk things over with your DH and agree what the rules would be for you to all live together happily then, if you think SS could cope with that, discuss it with him.

My friend has a "difficult" son but he is absolutely gorgeous when with my family, I would keep him if I could. Looking from the outside I can see that the issues are not all his but are more to do with personality clashes and longstanding resentments. This could be the case with your SS.

It must be daunting at 25 but it would be good if yu could give him a chance.

Bubblegum78 · 09/10/2012 22:17

I forgot to add, that this needs to come from his Dad, if he thinks it's from you he may resent you.

His father needs to be firm and be the one to discipline him should he need it.

lunar1 · 09/10/2012 22:19

3 strikes and he is out to wear Bubblegum? his mother doesn't seem to want him

kinkyfuckery · 09/10/2012 22:23

Poor boy

boredandrestless · 09/10/2012 22:25

Why do you not get chance to eat or go to the loo? Does your partner not help you when he is at home?

Your concerns about who would be parenting him are valid, particularly as it sounds like you already do all of the parenting as it is. Ask your DP how he would keep DSS on the rails. What rules would he have for him and how would he reward/sanction his behaviour?

How old is stepson and how does HE feel about coming to live with his dad? Not many teens would be thrilled about their mum no longer wanting them at home and having to move away to a dad they rarely see, away from friends and the familiar.

TinyDancingHoofer · 09/10/2012 22:26

What would happen after the 4 week trial?
That didn't come across as i meant it, obviously i don't mean that as though OP could just return him after trial. More meant it in a logistics/routine way. As in try it for a month if it's not working sit down and try something new. Give SS time to settle before "judging" his behaviour.

froggies · 09/10/2012 22:26

I have a teenage son and 2 young DD's (from 2 different relationships). When DD's dad left DS 'went off the rails' there were lots of issues and tbh he was a bloody nightmare, and exp really didn't help matters. But, I am his parent, just like your DH is his sons parent, and he needs to be there for him. Thankfully, nearly 2 yrs down the line, my DS is much much easier to live with, it has taken a lot of time, a lot of love, a lot of tears and a bloody good youth worker to get there, but you cannot give up on your kids.

I totally nderstanding your worries re your little ones, you should make your DH aware of how you are feeling, and it is worth going to your HV to see what support you can access as a family (mine was brilliant), as it will be difficult.

JeezyOrangePips · 09/10/2012 22:26

Try and think about how you would feel if it was one of your children, and your ex's current partner didn't want your child to come and stay.

Then put yourself in the shoes of a teenage boy who is obviously struggling and needing support and security.

I know it's not easy, but this is your partners child, someone he should take as much responsibility for as either of the children that you had with him.

ihearsounds · 09/10/2012 22:30

Before I give a reply, I want to know why you guys hardly ever see ss, because I think that this is relevant with what ss is going through at the moment. Also how old is ss?

AThingInYourLife · 09/10/2012 22:30

"his mother doesn't seem to want him"

Or maybe she's at her wits' end and thinks living with his father might improve things?

Teenagers going off the rails are very difficult to manage.

A move to his Dad's could be the making of him, but only if his Dad takes on the responsibility.

Leaving it to his 20-something step mother to sort him out is unlikely to work.

OP, I don't think you can really say no here.

But your DP needs to do the work to reach his son. He can't leave that to you.

missymoomoomee · 09/10/2012 22:31

Sitting telling a teenaged boy who has basically been thrown out by his mother that he is out if he does 3 things wrong is not the best thing to do. The poor lad is going to be hurt, confused and adjusting to a new place, he needs ground rules but don't threaten to kick him out, poor lad.

I married at 21, my DSS were 14 and 15 at that time, they lived with their gran, the oldest came to live with us when he got into trouble at 20, it never even crossed my mind to say no, they are just as much a part of my family as my DC are. All he needed was a change of scene, he is now engaged to a lovely girl and has a good job. You will proabaly find that having his younger siblings around will change his behaviour too.

FizzyLaces · 09/10/2012 22:33

I have a teenager and a small child (not the same situation at all) but it is like having an extra pair of hands. You might be surprised if you go about it the right way with your DP backing up your ground rules.

NewNames · 09/10/2012 22:34

It's really sad no one wants him.

Take him in. Love him. See how it goes?

AThingInYourLife · 09/10/2012 22:36

He has not been thrown out by his mother.

If his parents decide it would be better for him to live with his Dad, that is not the same as his mother kicking him out FFS.

He has two parents. One of them feels she is failing and us asking the other to have a go.

That is smart, not cruel.

He's a teenage boy. He might do better living with his Dad.

MaryZed · 09/10/2012 22:38

It's all very well to say "take him in", but as the parent of an out of control teen I can honestly say I couldn't have managed if I didn't love him. It has been almost unbearably hard.

I think you need to investigate exactly why she can't cope with him. If it is moods and unhappiness and he wants to live with you that is one thing. If it is violence, drugs and police involvement, then it is more difficult.

Would he be moving schools? That might be a good thing (to get away from his current mates) but only if he is willing. If it is the same school and the same mates, it won't work.

Basically there are too many variants for us to be able to advise you at all. But the best case scenario is that you live far away from his current mates, he would change school, he wants to come to you and have a fresh start. If that is the case I think you need to try.

If not, I would join you in worrying.

AThingInYourLife · 09/10/2012 22:43

"Basically there are too many variants for us to be able to advise you at all."

She says, offering the only useful advice on the thread :)

honeytea · 09/10/2012 22:43

Maybe it is a cry for help from your partners ex, why does he rarely see his son? That isn't fair, he should be going to visit his son/having him to stay and being part of his life no matter where the boy lives. Could your DP step up a bit and be a better father to his son by at least making the boy a part of your life.

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