I am looking for advice about how to deal with my parents.
They live around 300 miles away from me, and my 31 year old sister lives in the same house. My mother and my sister both suffer from anxiety and depression; my Mum rarely leaves the house and does not socialize, but my sister's mental illness is not so bad that she can't work or go out.
My sister and I are treated in completely different ways. My sister is literally waited on hand and foot: my mother does everything from making her breakfast to doing her laundry. Despite the fact that my sister has an excellent, well-paid job (as does her partner), my parents charge her a very low rent. She has been able to save thousands and thousands of pounds, which she intends to use to buy a massive and luxurious house with all mod cons (she is literally refusing to move out until she can do this). She sees this as a birthright, even though none of my family are especially wealthy. My parents are massively invested in my sister's life - they even tell tales to me when I visit about her work colleagues, whom they have never met. Of course, my sister is always the heroine of these stories. It's weird.
By contrast, my parents offer me no support whatsoever. My whole life, I have had to battle through by myself, and believe me, I've had some very tough times over the years. Four years ago, I got divorced from a man who was emotionally and physically abusive, who isolated me from the outside world and then undermined my confidence. We owned a house together, and I could not afford to rent a place and keep up with the mortgage payments for which I was half responsible. I therefore had to stay in the house, even though I was being bullied and was terrified. Even though I was in physical danger, my parents offered me no help, financially or emotionally. Instead, they made it clear that they did not believe my side of the story. They accused me (untruly) of having an affair and even invited my ex-partner around for tea on numerous occasions. My sister continues to be good friends with him. Not only do I find this emotionally difficult, but it has caused me no end of practical problems. When I raised this (gently) as an issue, all three of them told me that I had no right to control their relationship with him.
I am always the one who calls. I am always the one who drives to make visits. They make absolutely no effort at all with the relationship, and their manner makes it clear that I am seen as a wearisome 'duty'. When I say things, there are exchanged glances and rolled eyes. Sometimes on the phone I can hear them making fun of me. Every thing I say is pored over with minute attention, and twisted to give it the most noxious meaning, when none is intended. I literally can?t do anything right.
When I met a new man after my divorce, my parents told me that he was bound to be abusive and was exploiting me, and refused to meet him for many months. When they finally did come round to the idea, my Mum behaved with absolute and direct rudeness to him. Even now, three years on, she refuses to shake his hand or touch him on the grounds that she is ?not sure about him yet?.
I was due to get married earlier in the year. When I mentioned this, all my parents could think about was themselves ? they couldn?t drive the 300 miles to the venue, they didn?t want to dress up, they didn?t want to eat in front of people, they didn?t want to socialise. I tried to be understanding (I know my mum is depressed), said that they didn?t have to get dressed up or eat, that they could just attend whatever bits they wanted to. This was not enough and I was branded selfish for having a public ceremony. When my wedding was cancelled (my partner had a bout of mental illness and was suicidal, it was awful), my parents could barely contain their joy that they didn?t have to travel.
I am a good person. I work hard, and while I am not wealthy and never likely to be able to afford the kind of lifestyle my sister aspires to, I don't want for anything either. I have never asked for financial help. I don?t understand how my parents can be so completely focused on one child, to the utter exclusion of another. I feel deeply rejected and hurt, and it?s affecting my day-to-day life.
I don?t honestly know if it is possible for me to continue having a relationship with them and bear this pain all the time. If I say anything about it, I know that it will be twisted the wrong way. Does anyone have advice for me?