to wonder how you can truly hate someone through a third party?

[littlemisssarcastic]

(Hope thread title makes sense...tired brain.)

Is it actually possible to truly hate someone when you have never met them, spoken to them, or contacted them in any way/shape or form or vice versa, and if the only contact you have ever had of them is by seeing a photograph of them?

If the person you hate has never done you a wrong, nor your children, or your partner, nor your animals, or any member of your family?

Is it possible to truly hate someone who you only hate because of the way that this person treated your friend, when said friend has long ago moved on and no longer even mentions the perpetrator of your hatred?

Should friends harbour hatred for someone they have never had direct contact with, for longer than the victim of the abuse?

I honestly don't know.

I hate my paternal grandfather who died two weeks before I was born. He beat the living shit out of my father and his 5 siblings. Including, amongst other things, tying my father to a tree when he hit him, breaking a cane over my aunt's back, punching my uncle in the face.

I hate him.

ithink Apparently, it's because her P feels uncomfortable having anyone around that friend refuses to. She has never said anything to suggest she is afraid to disobey him. She just says that she wants their relationship to work, and he wants a clean house, and whilst friend is not too bothered about the mess, her P is. Friend sees it as since she is a SAHM, there is no reason she shouldn't do all of the cleaning/cooking/childcare etc even when she has been depressed and he still wont help out.
He criticises her standard of housework, because they are poles apart when it comes to what is acceptable levels of tidiness in a house.
She said she doesn't use her email address anymore, and her P doesn't give his email address out to anyone but family/school because he doesn't want his inbox filling up with emails that she'll spend all evening replying to.

Better I am absolutely positive that she is not an ex of my xp. She has honestly never ever met him nor spoken to him. Her bitterness would not look out of place on an ex though so ISWYM.

Alliwant
Is there a difference between hating a person and hating what they have done though?

I agree with ithink, dadabing and beyond

I had a friend like this, her DP was awful to her so she projected onto me, it got much worse when she started to interfere in my relationship with my hubby.

She may or may not be having dreadful probs with her DP but that is not an excuse for her behaviour, if she was a real friend she would love and respect you, this is not the case.

As you see her rarely I would take a deep breath, let it all go and leave her to get on with her own life.

You clearly have a life worth being jealous about or she wouldn't be behaving like this. xx

i disagree slightly that it is not an excuse for her behaviour...i still maintain he is EA her; e.g. it doesnt matter if their housework standards are miles apart...in a normal relationship she wouldnt/wouldnt be expected to sacrifice her social life to maintain his standard

if you look on the relationship board you will see what EA can do to a person....

if you think she has been a good friend in the past, i would reach out to her

About hating a person or what she or he did: Adolf Hitler.

She sounds like a bitch.

But I agree she is deflecting her own shit onto y9ur situation.

I think she sounds like a nutter! And I'd ditch her. Next time she starts I would look at her strangely and say, 'Seriously, you seem to have a major obsession with someone you never met. I'm the one he shit on - and frankly I prefer to write him out of my life. I certainly don't want to hear his name constantly mentioned. Can you please stop talking about him - it's definitely weird that you go on and on about this'.

I think I might try that sowornout.
I imagine she will look a bit like this and then say 'At least my P isn't a twat, I'd hate to live with a complete twat, not sure how you put up with him.'

I think hatred is such a destructive emotion, and burns you up inside. I loathe some people, but I have never hated someone I don't know to the point of mentioning them constantly, unless what they have done has directly affected me.
I kind of feel a little sorry for her tbh, to be walking around with this bitterness and hatred eating her up, for someone she wouldn't know if they sat next to her on a bus and chatted throughout the journey.

Agree with you about the hatred and bitterness littlemiss. I have a friend whose DH left her many years ago (20, to be precise) and she is STILL so, so bitter towards him. The thing is, IMO, she has ruined her own life. She is still consumed by bitterness towards him, he destroyed Christmas for them (he left in the Sept), etc. Because they were too miserable to enjoy Christmas the year he left she and her DCs have never celebrated it since because 'Graham ruined it for us'.....

It is such a pointless thing to do. He couldn't give a shit - hasn't seen them for 20 years, doesn't know what they are doing and has happily got on with his own life. Meanwhile she is now old and bitter and unhappy. Best revenge on anyone is to make the most of your own life and enjoy it, I think.

To the 'not sure how you put up with him' remark I would say briskly, 'Well I don't have to anymore, fortunately. And I'm really not prepared to waste any more of my time dwelling on him'. Then change the subject.

Good advice sowornout.

Very sad to hear about your friend. Sounds like her DH didn't just ruin her christmas, she has allowed him to ruin her DC's christmases as well as most of her life.

I agree that your friend is being abused. The denial is making her do all this weird stuff. If you want to, distance yourself. Again, if you want to, make it clear you will support her if she ever wants to leave him.