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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to throw myself to the nest of vipers for a serious telling off

64 replies

howtobeamermaid · 07/10/2012 23:50

I need one. I can't believe what I've just done. I feel sick.

Have stinking cold and was feeding baby DS (7 months). Put him down in cot and went downstairs. All quiet on monitor. Up to check 10 mins later and he's studiously chewing on one of my tissues I've somehow put down in cot with him. Shreds of it everywhere. Pick up, there's a 50p sized wodge of it on the roof of his mouth.

Mind is whirring with what-ifs now. Jesus Christ, I feel like the shittest mother ever.

Ugh. DH said he was fine, no point thinking of what if. Just be more careful in future. No that'not enough. Need a good flogging.

OP posts:
Loonytoonie · 07/10/2012 23:54

You're not firing on all cylinders with your cold. No telling off from me, but let this be a reminder to us all. How easy little mistakes could lead to danger.

Poor you - you've had enough of a shock. Listen to your DH, and grab yourself a hot ribena and some paracetamol.

CoolaSchmoola · 07/10/2012 23:54

If he'd choked you would have heard him through the monitor and rushed upstairs.

Accidents happen - you won't do it again (because you'll be hypervigilant now!)

Give yourself a break like I had to when DD fell off the stair gate put in to 'keep her safe'

McHappyPants2012 · 07/10/2012 23:55

mistakes happen, you are not a shit mother

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2012 23:55

You're not the first parent to make a simple mistake and you certainly won't be the last.

I agree with your DH, you'll learn from it and that's that.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2012 23:56

< applies very, very gentle flogging to shoulder in manner of a pat >

it's ok

your baby is ok

we all make these minor mistakes that could (in a vanishingly small way) develop into something more serious

my toddler once applied a cotton bud to his ear, in the manner he saw mummy do it

we ended up in A+E with a punctured ear drum

I left the cotton bud lying around around

SoleSource · 07/10/2012 23:56

Lesson learned. Never to be repeated.
Nobody Is perfect you know.

lovebunny · 07/10/2012 23:57

you all came through. there will be experiences like this. forgive yourself, carry on trying to be alert in future (because there is no way you intended this to happen or would have ignored a tissue in the cot if you'd seen it) hug the ds, move on.

ScaryBOOAlot · 07/10/2012 23:57

We all make mistakes, especially when we're ill. He was fine, you won't do it again.

Feel better soon.

KenAdams · 07/10/2012 23:58

Everyone makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up about it.

NeDeLaMer · 07/10/2012 23:58

You are sick, you made a mistake - everyone does it - the vast majority of the time we are lucky like you were. Stop beating yourself up.

monsterchild · 08/10/2012 00:01

Mistakes happen we learn from them and move on. I expect I will make stupid (and hopefully harmless) mistakes after by DS is born! I'm giving you permission to get over this and hope you will do the same for me when I do something dumb too!

Original poster
howtobeamermaid · 08/10/2012 00:12

Not the flogging I requested but that is very kind of you all,

I just feel horribly tired and overwhelmed by being a mum right now. It's not the first stupid thing I've done since he's been born (let roll off bed, nearly tipped him out of pram) and I just feel like it's incredibly easy to make a little stupid mistake that could have HUGE implications. And it would only take one more act of stupidity (over the course of the rest of his childhood!!) and something terrible could happen and I couldn't go on. Scares the shit out of me. I think I'm more prone to doing stupid things than most people somehow. Even when I try really hard to be vigilant (spend half my life running up and down stairs checking on him)

Love him, I really do, but sometimes wonder why I didn't realise the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with having a child. I'm certainly thinking twice about having another. Wail!

OP posts:
youngermother1 · 08/10/2012 00:31

We all feel like that. DS is 13, nice kid, doing well at school, good friends. Still waiting for the evidence of the almighty fuck-up I have done or will do. You will NEVER think everything is ok.
However, every time i think of him (often), I get a warm feeling that makes it all worthwhile.
Have lots and enjoy (whilst stressing like mad).

ripsishere · 08/10/2012 04:06

Another very gentle flogging for you.
I think that anyone who tells you they've never done something dangerous or put their child in a detrimental situation is a liar.
I can't count the ways my DD hurt herself, or through my negligence or ignorance I allowed her to hurt herself.
She is now a very resilient 11 YO who has just this minute phoned me to tell me to bring a book to school that she forgot.

TroublesomeEx · 08/10/2012 04:21

I agree with the others.

We've all been there. We've all made a decision that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time but then immediately showed itself as the most ridiculously neglectful thing ever! Or just done something completely by accident as you did.

But that's how you learn. That's how you get better.

sometimes wonder why I didn't realise the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with having a child. It's because all anyone does when you're pregnant is mock you about the impending sleepless nights. This 'weight of responsibility' sort of hits you.

I would say though that, in my personal and very humble opinion and experience, that feeling the way you do is the sign of being a very good mother and not a shit one at all. A shit one would think it was funny or just not recognise that it was a problem or why.

Smile
BeauNeidel · 08/10/2012 04:35

I agree with all the others as well (morning FolkGirl btw - thought I was the only one up!)

I felt fucking awful the other morning - I fell down the stairs while carrying the baby, he was fine, I twisted my leg under me in such a way I had to sort of shimmy round and go down head first. I've always been paranoid about falling down the stairs while carrying a child and then it happened Sad

It could have been worse, lots of things could be. I try not to dwell!

TroublesomeEx · 08/10/2012 04:37

Morning Beau. Ooh no, never miss my 3.15 wake up time. I could set my clock by it Hmm

That sounds painful and scary! But you did it. You had that happen and protected your baby with no thought for yourself. That's the mark of a good mum right there.

Wheresmypopcorn · 08/10/2012 04:49

You are a good mum, you didn't hear anything and went to check - instinct, no?

IllageVidiot · 08/10/2012 04:56

I have been amazed, and thankfull!, at just how robust the most vulnerable little members of our family are.

Some things have been negligence due to no sleep or illness, some things have been due to it just not occuring to me that it would happen e.g I lock all the bleach away like fort knox only to find DD had decided to, and acted in the space I turned around to stuff her clothes in the laundry basket and find a towel in the same tiny room, take a huge swig of her dad's aftershave, it was more of a chug actually cuz I start 'em young - cue A&E fun. Some things are just outright unforseeable accidents.

I cannot count the hours I have spent feeling like hot coal pennance is not enough to assuage the guilt I felt at it happening. I learned, through the trial of more children - they do stupid shit, sometimes so do I, it's ok to be kind to yourself because you have learned.
And everyday I send a little nod to Mother Nature to say 'thanks for making kids able to survive new parents, tired parents, old parents and me'.

It's a whole load of responsibility it's true but try to take a step back sometimes if you can - a lot of pressure is heaped on parents, a lot of ideological thinking is pushed at you and it can become bound up with how you see yourself, what is essential etc; stop hammer time honestly, pare back the thinking. Your child needs food, warmth, comfort, love, safety. If, at the end of the day your child is fed, warm, loved, secure and happy it doesn't matter how you got there or any bumps along the way. When I stopped putting pressure on myself to be the perfect 'type x' parent I had a lot more head space to be the best IllageVidiot parent, a lot of anxiety left me - a lot of stress suddenly being removed meant I did less stupid shit...had the same amount of accidents but it happens. I'm not the perfect parent but I am perfect for my family - you will be too because you love your child and DH and will act in ther best interests - nobody said you had to do it as Gina Ford or Dr Spears, just as you, as best you can.

IllageVidiot · 08/10/2012 05:06

For instance - I'm in my PJ's and eating a kitkat, MNetting while watching DS make a nest with blankets, books and various random but obviously meaningful objects so we can be Mummy monkey and baby monkey in a safe tree.

Sounds like terrible parenting but he is scared of the thunderstorm (SN) and because it's louder upstairs doesn't want to sleep in our bed but make a safe place.
If I was the perfect parent I'm sure I would soothe him and have him asleep in his bed like a child should be and not indulge this ridiculous carrying on and attention seeking. But I say sod that, I know him best and god damn it if he wants to be a monkey then I'll be the best damn monkey in town and you can suck it if you don't like it'. Because I'm a charmer! If this results in a terrible lego accident, well so it goes.

sashh · 08/10/2012 05:09

Love him, I really do, but sometimes wonder why I didn't realise the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with having a child.

So that's you and every other parent on the planet then.

All parents have done daft stuff. Some dafter than others, some potentially dangerous, some just embarassing.

In the days of big prams and shops with steps babies were routinely left outside shops, and every mother over a certain age (and some fathers) have a story of getting hom, or half way home and realising something was missing.

Oh and I don't think you left it in the cot, I think a 7 month old is quite capable of taking a liking to something and grabbing without you noticing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2012 05:15

DD is away this weekend with DH. I sat in the car and, on the verge of years, asked myself why I introduced into my life someone who I can't live without for one night. What if something happened to her? Feeling like this is parenting. Goodness knows why we do it to ourselves.

thebody · 08/10/2012 05:36

Hi all, another parent awake and worried. Op you sound like an amazing mother tbh. We all have similar stories to relate as none of us are perfect all of the time.

Awake and worried about an unhappy 13 year old. Won't hijack thread but just to say its a life long commitment this parenting lark, was worried sick about the 23 year old a few weeks ago.

No one understands unless you are a parent what the deal is...

Op don't worry, it's par for the course.

margerykemp · 08/10/2012 05:40

Your DH should have taken the day off work to look after DS if you were ill.

RawShark · 08/10/2012 06:43

I think the worst was when I left my baby unstrapped in the maxi-cosi having been out for a wander and taking him out - remembered on the motorway half way home. Almost too scared to pull off due to deceleration forces being unpredictable at unknown junctions therefore making him more likily to be catapaulted. Plus dilemma at whether or not to stop on hard shoulder of bust motorway (more dangerous ? Or not?) Cue much self-castigation.

So YABU to give yourself a hard time. It's being knackered. ANd not realising how even the smallest thing can be dangerous - the list is endless Confused

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