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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope that this book is wrong?

42 replies

aroomofherown · 07/10/2012 20:05

My friend gave me a book called "Marry Him" - all about settling for Mr Good-enough. The author makes some good points about not waiting for perfection, but her main premise seems to be that women in their 40s have very little chance of getting into a relationship with an attractive man their age, because they all go for younger women. It even says, "they all get bald, overweight and old anyway so you may as well go for that" or something along those lines.

I'm single and 40 and lonely. This book is actually making me quite depressed and irritable. Is this it for the rest of my life - marry someone unattractive or stay lonely?

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/10/2012 20:35

I dunno... maybe I should name change for this but in a way I settled for DH. I had a few relationships in my late teens and twenties where it was the complete thunderbolt, sweaty palms, butterflies, complete infatuation package. None of that with DH, so some people might think I 'settled' for him.

But what I have is a kind, funny, smart, hardworking life partner who is a great dad and not too shabby in the bedroom either

I dread to think what my life would be like if I had married one of the heart-throbs. Ugh.

Original poster

aroomofherown · 07/10/2012 20:53

Thanks for your responses. BTW I actually fancy bald men so that isn't a problem for me .

So for the women who have married men who they didn't fancy at first - why did you go out with them when you weren't attracted to them?

OP posts:

emsyj · 07/10/2012 21:05

I have never heard of the book and therefore have no idea what it actually says, but I think there is some value in realising that you can grow to find someone attractive even if you initially don't look at them and think 'wow'.

I have a good friend who was single for a very long time and who endlessly moaned about wanting a man to go out with/go on holiday with/a relationship, but she rejected every man she ever met because there wasn't an instant 'oh my god' stomach-churning attraction. Now that is silly IMO.

Maybe the book is just suggesting that you should give people a chance rather than rejecting them after a brief first meeting when you don't think they're sex on legs? I was once seated (formal seating plan) at a work conference next to a man from my department whom I thought was rather smug and not remotely attractive at all, but by the end of a really very enjoyable evening talking to him I thought he was exceptionally attractive and continued to find him so for the remainder of the time we worked together. So there! And he wasn't smug, I don't know why I had thought that really.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/10/2012 21:13

WTAF?! I would agree that no-one should have stupidly high standards, but the idea that you need to settle for someone you don't actually want, just to avoid being alone is absolute bullshit!! I'd rather be on my own that with someone just for the sake of not being single any day. Learn to love yourself, be happy with your own company. I'm horrified with the notion that anyone should be with someone for no other reason than being with someone.

sunflowerseeds · 07/10/2012 21:19

There's a saying, "Better an old man's darling than a young man's slave". There are loads of older men available after divorce.

Original poster

aroomofherown · 07/10/2012 21:21

I think its true that the book seems to assume that all women should want to be married, but then maybe that's who it was preaching to. I certainly don't believe that but I do want a marriage now. A good one though. And I've been single for most of my life so I'm very happy with my own company, and very independent, its just that I want someone to make a home with now.

I have no problem with the idea that I need to readjust my priorities so that I give men a chance rather than write them off if there is no thunderbolt. I think this nugget is worth taking from the book.

I just hate the thought that I should be looking to date men who I don't find attractive just because there is no one else left . If that is true then I really would rather be on my own. I just don't want it to be true.

OP posts:

getrealandgetalife · 07/10/2012 21:22

i've been with a bloke that made my bits clench in anticipation
and i've been with a bloke that makes my heart melt.

Only the anticipation bloke was a psycho and maybe that was a fight or flight response???

MooncupGoddess · 07/10/2012 21:27

Lots of people meet new partners and have happy relationships after the age of 40. Look at all those second marriages, for a start. And being in a bad relationship (and there are a lot of lonely married people out there) is much worse than not being in one at all.

How is your social life? Are you lonely generally, or do you just want someone to choose soft furnishings with?

Original poster

aroomofherown · 07/10/2012 21:30

Mooncup to be honest I'm a bit lonely socially. I live abroad so don't have my childhood friends or family around. And most of the friends I've made here have moved to other countries, so whilst I have great friends, they aren't around to see a film with or go to a museum or pub with. And they are all over the world so there's not an easily obvious place for me to move to.

OP posts:

MooncupGoddess · 07/10/2012 21:34

Hmm... that does sound tricky. Are you happy with where you're living generally? Are there other social opportunities you could take advantage of? Or maybe plan a long-term move back to somewhere you know people? I am happily single but I would find it hard if I didn't have a good social life.

NotGeoffVader · 07/10/2012 21:37

I never place too much faith in books like that - and besides which, why would they assume that a woman in her 40's will automatically settle for a man her age? Why not a younger man?

But also, what has been said above - looks are not everything. I might question the friend's motives if that were me, unless you have been dating some dodgy types :)

emsyj · 07/10/2012 21:39

But that's the thing, you don't marry them still feeling they're unattractive, you just open your mind a bit to date them rather than writing them off. If an attraction grows, great - if not, move on.

I don't think it's anything to do with there only being 'the ugly ones left' either. In my life (now 33) I can count on the fingers of one hand the men I've met who I've immediately thought were super hot attractive. I only dated one of them - and not for long. His ex girlfriend was a model and there were arty photos of the two of them together all over his house. Very odd. After an early days evening out, he kindly informed me that his friends had approved that I was good looking enough to go out with, which was nice . Idiot.

That's not to say all good looking men are idiots, by the way - I'm sure there are lots of good looking and lovely men, but there are lots of average looking men who are extremely charismatic, magnetic, interesting, fun, funny, kind and wonderful and who can be very attractive when you get to know them. I can honestly say that the guy I referred to in my previous post is one of the most attractive men I have ever come across, and he is not someone that I would see a photograph of and think he was good looking in the slightest.

Original poster

aroomofherown · 07/10/2012 21:40

Mooncup you are very insightful! No I don't really like where I live either - on main roads and I want to see green and nature when I look out the window, and maybe hear a bird instead of buses and sirens constantly.

I don't really want to move back to my homeland which makes it tricky. And some of my friends and family there have long term plans to come here. The others all move around every few years anyway, so that's not helpful.

So I'm left with social opportunities or a partner. Or both. I'm trying to increase my social circle but its not enough quickly enough to be a solution.

OP posts:

Original poster

aroomofherown · 07/10/2012 21:45

I am aware that I may come across as judgemental or picky. I don't mean to be - I've dated a man much older than me for several years - but being repeatedly told that I've missed the boat as a 40 year old is depressing.

emsyj that man does sound like a dick. I've also found that I can count on one hand the number of men of whom I've thought "phwoar". It's actually good news that it doesn't have to be so instantaneous.

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 07/10/2012 21:46

Just find someone who's faults you can live with,there is no such thing as the perfect person, packaging is unimportant as it tends to change over time.

Bue · 07/10/2012 21:46

That book was based on an article in the US magazine The Atlantic: Him! www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/

There was a huge amount of controversy and debate about it but it's basically about the fact that if you're 35ish and want to have a family, you can't wait around for Prince Charming and have to look twice at solid, nice guys. She makes some pretty valid points.

Bue · 07/10/2012 21:47

Er sorry, here's the link to the original article! Marry Him!

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