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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be horrified someone said this about my friend and WWYD?

54 replies

mummytowillow · 07/10/2012 17:03

My friend has come to stay for the weekend, she lives 300 miles from me. We went out last night in a group of six girls, all dressed up and I thought we all looked good!

We had quite a bit to drink and I got chatting to a woman I've seen around but never spoken to before, she was very nice and said innocently 'look at that is that a transvestite' pointing at my friend, Blush

I didn't want to embarrass her and said no she is lovely but didn't crack on she's my best friend.

Thing is she apparently has a point, I asked another close friend discreetly if she thought this and she said yes! And I'm horrified! OK my friend is a big girl, 5ft 10 and insists on wearing the highest shoes she can find so looks very tall, she has naff 80's hair which she is trying to grow out? She admits its naff!

She had an all black outfit on and black trendy leather jacket and I thought she looked ok? But the more I look at what she wears, I'm debating if it not 'age' appropriate, we are both knocking on the door of 45! Wink

So WWYD, I hate that people think this of her, so how can I approach it or should I leave well alone?

I've posted before about some people in a pub laughing behind her back a about her hair and I plucked up the courage and told her about it and she agreed, but this is potentially very hurtful? Sad

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 07/10/2012 17:56

If somebody had said something shitty about my best friend I'd have proudly told them who she was and that I didn't appreciate bitchy comments about somebody I care deeply for!

If she looked like an oompa loompa I'd still be happy to walk down the street with her, don't be so shallow!

MrsToddsShortcut · 07/10/2012 17:56

'look at that is that a transvestite'

That. She referred to someone, never mind that it was your best friend, as that.

Are transvestites not people? Is your friend not a person? Who in Hell refers to any other person as that.

I can't actually get past that tbh, let alone the rest of it. How utterly utterly vile and shallow. The woman sounds like a total waste of space and i bet your friend is lovely. I think I might be a bit more vocal in defending her next time if I were you.

coppertop · 07/10/2012 18:00

It all sounds a bit like a school playground tbh.

You have some odd ideas about what constitutes "very nice" if you seriously believe that the "'look at that is that a transvestite' was said innocently.

I like the sound of your friend. The rest of you, not so much.

Jalopeno · 07/10/2012 18:18

Why would you tell her? Do you want her to feel bad about herself?

Also why is a leather biker jacket not age appropriate for a 45 year old?

MardyArsedMidlander · 07/10/2012 18:18

I hope that if a friend 'plucked up the courage' to tell me people were laughing at my hair- I'd pluck up the courage to tell her to fuck off.
Whatever happened to loyalty and standing up for your friends?
And if my friend was a transvestite I still wouldn't let complete strangers refer to him/her as 'it'.

HeathRobinson · 07/10/2012 18:18

And, if you told her, what exactly could she change about herself?

Spuddybean · 07/10/2012 18:18

MrsTodd - Recently one of DP's (now ex) friends referred to our new baby as that . We sent out an email and a pic of him and she replied not jokingly 'my god that is ugly'.

Anyway, I digress. I am 5ft 10 and broad shouldered and flat chested (think swimmers body) and when i go out i wear high heels that make me 6ft 2in. Occasionally a twat has asked if i am a man in drag, russian shot-putter etc. However, i have always seen it as my way of quality control. If i weren't this build, they may ask me out, and i may never know they are a total bag of cocks. This way i never have to waste my time.

Also at that height, with heels, she probably has legs which go on for miles, so that's certainly no bad thing. Don't say anything. It is hurtful.

MardyArsedMidlander · 07/10/2012 18:20

This is actually a bit of a stealth boast isn't it? 'Oh my poor friend- I am so much prettier and stylish than her!'...

BarredfromhavingStella · 07/10/2012 18:26

OP you sound as bad as the twat that slated 'your friend', as her friend you should have defended her & asked the silly bitch just who the fuck she was to judge her so vocally-but you didn't & that makes you a truly shit friend.

Salmotrutta · 07/10/2012 18:27

Spuddy - what a horrible person your ex "friend" is! Shock

OP - you should have put that person in their place. But you didn't and that makes you as bad as them actually.

Ephiny · 07/10/2012 18:30

You think that woman was 'nice' and 'had a point' after she'd spoken about your supposed 'best friend' like that?

So what if your friend was transgendered, or liked to dress in an unconventional way for her sex. Would that make it OK for people to poke fun at her appearance and refer to her as 'that' or 'it' (don't you find that chilling and dehumanising? I do.)

You don't sound like much of a friend.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/10/2012 18:32

The other person wasn't really very nice was she? I wonder why you would still think that?

I'm finding it hard to understand why you would have a conversation with two people as to whether your best friend looks like a man, while she was actually there with you (even if you did it "discreetly")...

But then I'm 5'11" and wear heels every day. Lord alone knows what people say about me!

Original poster
mummytowillow · 07/10/2012 18:34

I've made myself look bad here haven't i!

I didnt tell her people were laughing at her, we discussed hair styles etc and she decided to change it.

I didn't confront the woman as i came into the conversation half way through, and she was talking to another friend? Other friend stuck up for my friend so felt it had been done?

I care for her alot and I too think she should wear what she wants. I just wanted advice really?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/10/2012 18:36

No, you haven't made yourself look bad, people have just picked your OP apart.

Salmotrutta · 07/10/2012 18:39

I can't help but read your last post in an Australian accent.

Original poster
mummytowillow · 07/10/2012 18:42

Oh and I definitely don't think i'm more attractive than her!

I haven't a clue about clothes, she went shopping with me and picked a great outfit for me, I value her advice.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 07/10/2012 18:44

You sound embarassed. The "nice" woman sounds drunk and rather rude.

If she is stuck in a rut and wasn't seeing it, then a conversation (excluding the transvestite remarks) might be in order. My sister and I have had words with each other before when we have let things slide a bit. But your friend sounds like she doesn't really care, considering you have already told her before that people laugh at ther hair and she is still keeping it "naff" - because you can grow hair out in a decent style after all.

mumofthemonsters808 · 07/10/2012 18:45

Good god, people can be so vile and nasty about people they do not even know, whatever happened to sisterhood.Even if she was a transvestite can she not go out and have a good time, without comments from a horrible bitch.

Please do not mention this incident to your friend, I would be mortified to hear someone had spoken about me in this mean way.The odds are your friend if in her 40's, is comfortable in her own skin and has her own style, whether it meets everyones expectations is a different matter.

I would never speak to this woman again if she had insulted my BF, avoid her like the plague.

mynewpassion · 07/10/2012 19:13

Good on your other mutual friend for sticking up for the friend being discussed. You should learn and follow her lead about being a good friend.

Pippa6774 · 07/10/2012 19:36

I am disappointed that women in their 40s can be so immature and nasty Sad

Original poster
mummytowillow · 07/10/2012 19:41

I should have said in my OP this woman had no idea my friend was our friend as friend was stood quite away from us with other people?

So to her this was a stranger, which i know is still an awful thing to say.

OP posts:
mertin · 07/10/2012 19:59

I would think the woman who made the comment a right bitch. Who cares what people look like? By being nasty to your friend, whether she knew she was your friend or not, she ain't nice.

YouMayLogOut · 07/10/2012 20:14

"I should have said in my OP this woman had no idea my friend was our friend"

So what?

Hippymum89 · 07/10/2012 20:24

OP you annoy me. Especially with all those ridiculous inappropriate question marks?????!!!!!!
And ditto everyone who said you're shallow

Latara · 07/10/2012 20:24

mummytowillow

Re: 'transvestite' comment woman - What a nasty comment; & i really hate the term ''that'' instead of ''he'' or ''she''.

You know you should have said ''she is my best mate;'' & i expect you feel guilty about not defending her; if it happens again just react better & defend your mate.

Re: friend's hair - Growing out a style is annoying & difficult so she has my sympathy!

Personally i think honesty is important from true friends (with tact obviously).
Part of my hair fell out 18 months ago due to medication.

Not one of my close family or friends were honest enough with me to say ''you should wear a scarf / wig / get the rest of your hair cut shorter'' - it wasn't until it grew back that people were suddenly saying ''wow you look much better now''...
I wished so much that they'd been honest when i was going bald!
Because i'd have gone to the hairdresser sooner; & worn scarves sooner. The only honest people were health professionals and my hairdresser.
Now i'm not sure who i can trust regarding the way i look.

Do NOT say ''your hair makes people think you look like a tranny''.
Magazines such as 'Look' have good hair sections - buy one, read it & look for a selection of styles & cuts that would suit your friend while her '80s hair' is growing out.

Then show her & say ''that would really suit you while you grow out your hair''.
I like salons that are trained in the most current hair cutting techniques.
Or make use of hair accessories but avoid anything too 'girly'.

Your friend's clothes sound age appropriate to me.

Re: height - i envy taller women! IMO it's definitely good your friend wears heels & has confidence with it. Tall men notice tall women in dark busy bars, i'm only 5'3'' so feel a bit invisible!

Re: girls - i know i'll prob get flamed but you are women, not girls. Be proud to say you are a group of women!
I wouldn't refer to men in their 40s as 'lads' because they are grown men.