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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To assume I've been dumped and move on?

50 replies

Itsnotahoover · 07/10/2012 08:42

Bit of quick background: been seeing a guy for 5 years off and on. Never anything "serious" due to lots of issues with his family etc but suited me and I loved him to bits. He went abroad at the beginning of June to visit family for a couple of weeks... And hasn't come back! Not had so much as a text or postcard to let me know he's ok! I was upset at first, now 4 months on, I'm just pissed off!

I have met a really nice, uncomplicated guy who has hinted he would like to take me out. WIBU to assume I've been dumped and go out with this guy? To be honest, even if he did come back now, I think my reaction would be to tell him to feck off. And maybe punch him

(By the way, I know he's not dead as I did a bit of snooping on the book of face and his son's profile has been regularly updated with pictures of them having a jolly good time!)

OP posts:

maddening · 07/10/2012 09:35

Well if you count this as you dumping him for sucking off and not getting back in touch then you're free either way :-)

Enjoy your date!

maddening · 07/10/2012 09:35

Fucking!

Original poster

Itsnotahoover · 07/10/2012 09:36

TerrorNotSoFrightened yes, his son posted a pic of them having lunch a day or two ago on Facebook. I'm not friend with his son so couldn't make any "hope it chokes you bastard" comments!!

OP posts:

LizLemon007 · 07/10/2012 09:40

Go out with the new guy! I can't believe you were giving the first one any consideration at all!

OP, go and get a book called Bitches by sherry argov. A lot of it is really obvious but a lot of women are givers and pleasers and when that's combined with low self-esteem and low confidence, it's hard to avoid handing yourself over on a plate. it's all about how not to lose yourself in a relationship and not put up with nonsense. I am with a nice man at the moment and even so I have picked up a few things I was doing wrong. I have read a few of those books but this is the best I've read so far.

anniewoo · 07/10/2012 09:43

I guess 'He's Just Not That Into You'
What an arse tho to do it the way he did. Have fun with the new guy.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 07/10/2012 09:46

Lizlemon. What sort of things were you doing wrong?

Go out with the new bloke op!

LizLemon007 · 07/10/2012 10:05

I've read 'he's just not that into you' and it was all good sense up to a point but I personally have taken more from the sherry argov book.

fuckadoodlepoopoo, I'm a work in progress! I had an abusive relationship years ago and I was determined to re-jig my hardwiring. I have read that 'he's just not that into you book' and I think generally it's good advice but this book is more useful to me. even with a good man I realise I had been doing things like not just thanking him for making a round trip to see me, but sort of acting like I wasn't worthy of it, and acting like I felt too guilty /appreciative. The book reminded me taht it is his choice and I'm not making him and he wants and considers the round trip worth it to see ME, then who am i to argue with that?!

I was also saying 'all these meals out must be costing you a fortune' and feeling bad that he was spending money on me. But the book reminded me that if he wants to take me out for dinner that's his choice. I am not making him. I should just repay him by saying thank you and I really enjoyed it, not sap all the joy out of it by making him feel, actually, I wasn't worth it at all.

Different people might take different things from the book, i'm only a third of the way through it. it's all so sensible. I WISH I had read this book after my bf dumped me in 1999. I got involved with an abusive arse. If only I'd read this book before getting back out there again.

LizLemon007 · 07/10/2012 10:09

ps, it just reminded me that even though I can now tell a good man from a 'bad man' lol, the old hardwiring is set fast and it's hard to resist subliminally telling a good man that you don't feel worthy of being treated well. I am glad I'm reading this book early in the relationship because I had felt a bit smug, like, oh, I'm fixed! I found a good man, I recognised that he was a good man and he is! .......... and I almost didn't realise that I was training him to treat me less well than he was prepared to;; that I was inadvertently sending messages that I wasn't worthy of being treated so well. [gasp]. I hope I 've caught it in time.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 07/10/2012 11:37

Lizlemon. I can relate to all that.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 07/10/2012 11:38

Can you link the book?

YouMayLogOut · 07/10/2012 11:48

Date the new guy.

First one doesn't seem that bothered about keeping in touch - not a great sign!

PedanticPanda · 07/10/2012 12:49

Although he's got to really as he has a house and a shop to sort out at some point

He must be in touch with the person running his shop, so I doubt he'd have communication difficulties whilst on holiday. I hope the new guy says yes :o you must come back and update us.

SoleSource · 07/10/2012 12:51

He does not care enough to realise thst you feel emotionally neglected by his actions. Drop him as he DESERVES to be dropped. Revenge is a dish best served.cold. He will more likely contact you again, just totally ignore. Consider seeing a tbetapist to make sebse of it and feel better about you as this man has probably treated you badly for almost all of the five years. You allowed it, what did you expect this time around?

MaBaya · 07/10/2012 13:03

Fve years, no strngs, cant even be arsed to text you to say he isnt coming back?

Forget that loser. Dont waste another minute on him. Date the new guy!

hatesponge · 07/10/2012 13:15

I think you absolutely should move on. The other guy can't be bothered to tell you it's over. He doesn't deserve a moment's consideration.

See what happens with the new one. But don't be waiting any longer for the other to contact you, chances are after this length of time you'll never hear from him again.

Original poster

Itsnotahoover · 07/10/2012 16:55

Well I have a date next Saturday night :) we kind of work together at weekends (well he works in the store that I rep in at weekends) and there's been a lot of flirting and banter going on for a while! It's a nice feeling to have met someone that makes me smile and that I look forward to seeing, so fingers crossed for next Saturday!

OP posts:

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 07/10/2012 17:00

Wahoo!

AlistairSim · 07/10/2012 17:00

Nice one, OP!

Original poster

Itsnotahoover · 07/10/2012 17:03

I'm petrified now! Not had a proper bona fide date in bloody years!! What do I even wear? What's date etiquette nowadays? Lol

OP posts:

Foxy800 · 07/10/2012 17:08

Good for you, hope you have fun next saturday.

LindyHemming · 07/10/2012 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saggyhairyarse · 07/10/2012 17:34

What are the chances you will fall for the new guy and the old guy will come running back? Sods law innit?

Original poster

Itsnotahoover · 07/10/2012 21:29

And if he does, I'm hoping I'll have enough of a distraction to tell him to fuck right off!! I've actually had enough of him now, missed him like bloody crazy at first but now I'm just annoyed that I let him treat me like he has for as long as he has, and I've always accepted his excuses. But no more I tell ya!! Onwards and upwards! :)

OP posts:

Foxy800 · 07/10/2012 21:46

Good for you girl.

ParsleyTheLioness · 08/10/2012 08:29

Itsnot good for you! Quick question. How did you ask him out. I'm very out of touch with all this stuff...

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