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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to talk to your children about strangers,after whats been in the news this week?

51 replies

crazygal · 06/10/2012 19:33

hi..
I really hope i have some reassurance here..
the other day myself and dh decided to chat to ds (8)(also adhd/aspergers..and tends to run off!) about talking to strangers,and people he knows,and that if anyone ever asks you to go with them,you always must ask mam and dad 1st,never go off,even if you know this person,
he said ok,he said, is this because of that girl who was stolen? ( we have had the news on,plus people talking about it in our company)
I said yes,I dont want anything to happen to you,and just wanted to run the rules over with you,
I reassured him that he was very safe,and he had nothing to worry about....

This eve,we met some friends for a meal,one of there dc said,Im going out to play,my ds said,NO,don't go out on your own,you might get stolen!! omg....

Our friends were not happy that this was said! I wasnt expecting ds to come out with it...
I explained to our friends that we had a little chat with him about the dangers,there reply was,well don't scare our kids!!
I feel real bad,dh said well let them be angry,
but this is really bugging me! was i wrong???

OP posts:
Original poster
crazygal · 06/10/2012 20:22

so sad for the parents of april jones that someone they know so well might have done this!
but thank you all for the reassurance,
i do feel much better as to that i've done the right thing!
It was my gut instinct to talk to him

OP posts:
thebody · 06/10/2012 20:24

The only thing I would say op is maybe cut down on the news infront of your ds.

Our youngest is 12 and we have turned off this story as its just so upsetting.

Original poster
crazygal · 06/10/2012 20:26

yes thebody,since the chat with him,we havent watched it or talked about it as he can be a worrier

OP posts:
Gay40 · 06/10/2012 20:29

The stranger danger chats are almost pointless. Your children are far more at risk from people they know and like. Strangers very rarely abduct children from the street - yes it does happen but it is a tiny tiny percentage compared to what is done by lovely relations and friends of the family.
We've always done the talk about not keeping secrets, keeping your body safe, checking with your parents before going anywhere etc etc.
OP I think you did the right thing btw.

FarrowAndBollock · 06/10/2012 20:32

I don't think you are in the wrong. I think your friends are very insensitive to your DS's aspergers/ADHD

directoroflegacy · 06/10/2012 21:23

Because of the sad news this week me and DD (just turned 7) have talked about stranger danger AND about not going off with people she might know (but I haven't said can)
We also practised what to do ie shouting / screaming NO, not getting in a conversation (then the stranger becomes somebody they know??)
So today she had a day out at a theme park with 3 other 7 year olds and 2 parents and the mum tells me on return my DD was the only one who didn't keep running off and followed instructions :-D

Jenny70 · 06/10/2012 21:30

YANBU talking to your child about keeping themselves safe.

Your child was acting out of the best interest of their friend, and can't be expected to know the ins and outs of what they've been told etc.

Your friends are understandably upset that their kids are being exposed to things they decided not to raise with them, but it really wasn't anyone's fault.

The thread title made me think you were going around telling other people's children about keeping themselves safe, which is unreasonable.

Sad, unfortunate, but not really anyone's fault.

tigercametotea · 06/10/2012 21:36

I've had the chat with my kids and I do know it's far more common for abuse to happen to kids with people they already know, but I'd rather have had the chat than not. And it's not scaring the kids. I don't think being cautious about strangers is bad. I don't know why some parents don't have this sort of chat anymore. When I was growing up everyone was taught these things and it wasn't seen as advice that would scare. Also very important to have the chat with kids about private parts etc. I think you've done nothing wrong OP.

Enfyshedd · 06/10/2012 22:29

Had a chat about this with DSS1 & 2 (13 & 6) the other night as the news was on while we were eating tea (in Wales - it's taken up about 3/4 of the 6.30pm programme each night so it's difficult to avoid). Explained to DSS2 that although he knows not to go off with strangers, that it's because nasty things like this happen is why we want to know if he's going into one of his friend's houses or if he's invited to go out in the car even if it's someone's birthday (his question).

DSS1 started off with "I'm ok because I'm older", etc, but then for his sake I reminded him that the same basic principle applies to him (where are you going, who are you going to be with, make sure you're back by X time, is your phone charged up), then I asked him he'd heard of the Moors Murders (he had) and said that those children were around his age so the fact he's bigger than me doesn't make him 100% safe.

OP, it sounds like you were perfectly reasonable. Your friend's DH should realise that you can't wrap children up in cotton wool and you can't protect them from the world - children need to learn to take risks within reason, but they should be explained the reasons why we say no.

steppemum · 06/10/2012 23:08

we too have had the starnger danger talk this week. I was at swimming on Friday and heard several mums say that they won't let their kids aout to play at all now. That made me so sad as I believe firmly in letting them play out, and teaching them step by step responsibility etc. So we had the talk (not for the first time)

We actually do make it quite clear, and not too softly softly, they have to know it is a genuine danger, and that we take it seriously. We hope we do it with a light enough touch, and in such a way that they are not freaked out (but if we instill a bit of caution that isn't a bad thing)

A few comments though

My kids don't watch the news. They see newsround on cbbc, but not adult news. ds age 9 watches it sometimes. This is a deliberate choice. They often hear the news in the radio, but that passes younger dds by. We do talk to them about what is going on in the world, and if they ask about things we always explain them

I don't tell them not to go off with a stranger. I tell them they are not allowed to get into ANYONES car, unless they have been on a playdate at their house and are on the way home. We have a few exceptions, family and very close friends and x's mum and dad because they are police, and therefore ok.

We teach them to scream and shout help and make lots of noise, and run to the nearest place with people, corner shop, library (in our street) or home.

The hardest thing has been that ds thinks he can just kick them in the balls and win. he doesn't understand that he won't win in a power struggle with an adult. We have drummed in the shout and run message enough now that he seems to have got it.

steppemum · 06/10/2012 23:14

and we go through scenarios 'what if they offered you a lift home because it is raining' What if they said mummy told them to? What if they offered you sweets or said there was a puppy in the car? What if it was someone you know, the dad of someone at school?' Always say no. If they are a safe person they will understand.

Original poster
crazygal · 06/10/2012 23:19

yes steppemum,we had a very similar chat with ds,
plus,as the news watching was mentioned,its not something he ever watches,as he tends to dominates the tv!
its just been this week as we have shown interest and care toward april.
we managed to get the headlines on that only at 6.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 06/10/2012 23:24

We talk to our girls about trusting their "oh oh" feelings and that they know anywhere covered by swim suit is not for touching by anyone apart from mum or doctor if needed. We dont talk about stranger danger as such but Dds school did but then she was upset when I said "good morning" to people in the street (she also had Asd).

Over 98% of abuse is someone known to the child or family, so feel I'm better to talk about that than stranger danger

Original poster
crazygal · 06/10/2012 23:37

hi there lisad123,hope your little one is doing well,
we just had a abit of a soft talk to him,as you know,they take this sort of chat quite literal!
as he quizzes and quizzes,so it was just a general lets go over the rules chat,which is enough for him,he was fine with it and seemed to understand,he just needs reminding,normally at least once in a month he runs off!! gone!!! so he does need talking to,I would ideally like to go in abit 'harder' on the chat,but he wouldn't handle that,Im sure we would end up with nightmares,
we took him to a sealife centre 2 weeks ago and most nights he's waking thinking the sharks are coming for him :(

OP posts:
lisad123 · 06/10/2012 23:48

We draw pictures of what that feeling feels like which helps. Plus it helps that I'm trained to deliver this to parents as my job Grin
LO is causing trouble at new school so umm could be better Blush

Seenenoughtoknow · 06/10/2012 23:48

NEVER feel guilty for doing what you can to make your children's worlds safer.

If your friends have a problem with that, then that is simply THEIR problem.

I live very near to the little one who has been abducted this week from our 'safe' area, and I will never forget the horror, sadness and devastation this has brought to our community.

I have never regretted having 'the talks' with my dc's from very young, and will continue repeatedly about the changing dangers in their worlds into adulthood.

Only then can you say you did everything you could to protect them.

ThreadWatcher · 06/10/2012 23:55

These links are worth reading if you havent already.

tricky people are the new strangers

ten rules

GwendolineScaryLacey · 07/10/2012 00:10

I haven't had this talk with dd1 yet (she's 4.8). We've done running off in shops, getting lost, road safety, all that stuff. But never this, mainly because she's always been with me up till now. But she's now started school, going to parties, play dates etc so I obviously need to do it ASAP.

How do you even start this conversation?

steppemum · 07/10/2012 00:12

excellent link there threadwatcher. very good. I have always avoided the word starnger, like th eidea of tricky people.

lisad123 · 07/10/2012 00:17

We use protective behaviours, it's a great course but will see if I can find link tomorrow to their website, loads on there. Personally we started talking about "gut feelings" and trusting those. Having a word they can use tort me know they are feeling this way, identifying five safe people they can talk to any time and about where and what touches are nice eg cuddles with mum = nice, kisses from xx= not nice as he has a beard.

flow4 · 07/10/2012 00:31

Don't feel bad. I think a lot of parents are having similar conversations with their kids at the moment.

lanternfestival · 07/10/2012 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueSkySinking · 07/10/2012 08:15

I think what you said to your kids is fine. The fact that your child repeated it is fine too, he has obviously taken it on board which is the main thing. What they do with their child is their choice and you didn't actually directly say anything to the child anyway! I think the Dad was over reacting. He could have just let the comment pass but instead he blew up a passing comment into a situation where you felt you had to explain yourself.

WofflingOn · 07/10/2012 08:23

OP, do your friends children go to school, or are the HE?
Because the playground is buzzing with a thousand and one comments, opinions and fears at the moment. The children, not the parents. The children are sharing and talking about all the different things their parents have said and judged on.
The same thing happened after the McCann child's disappearance.
You did nothing wrong and neither did your son.

bochead · 07/10/2012 08:41

Your friends are frankly a bit daft. The correct response would have been to explain the physical boundaries - eg no further than the end of the street & to remind all children present that they were being kept safe by the adults present.

Something along the lines of :"We are here to make sure noone is stolen hun, to help us keep you all safe please don't go any further than the end of the street so that you stay where we can see you. If anyone asks you to go further than that , you come back and tell us first OK? Off you go and have a good time!"

My son also has ASD and we've had some worrying incidences earlier this year where primary school NT children were being groomed by a modern style Fagin gang to steal phones etc on their roller skates, oh and to sell cannabis for the same gang. After a 9 year old was arrested by the robbery squad, and a six year old caught selling weed, local parents have all been coaching their children for all sorts of scenarios. I suspect this sort of thing is far more common that what happened to April - yet no less concerning to responsible parents.

The awful April story has simply reinforced our teachings. Luckily the local PSO's have been stopping to chat to kids on their rounds and befriending them, making sure they know who they can run to in an emergency etc. There have been convictions & evictions of the Fagins, partly as a result of these chats. His ASD means my son is high up the PSO radar as we'd be silly to think it doesn't make him more vulnerable than his peers.

Your friends response sounds totally ostrich like, finger in the ears based fear. We all want to keep our kids in a bubble but the real world doesn't work like that. Part of our job as parents is to make our kids feel safe and secure - a child is gonna hear about Jimmy Saville & April in the school playground. We as parents just need to remind them that our boundaries keeps them safe and healthy, so their imaginations can't run riot. Fretting without reassurance is gonna upset a child far more than anything your son said.