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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to my best friend's 40th. A real dilemma- opinions please

45 replies

michelleclaire · 06/10/2012 18:28

Ok, this really is a dilemma for me, so any opinions gratefully received. Bit of a long story but will make it short..

My best mates bday in 3 weeks time and it's a big one, the big 40.In April this year it was her wedding and at the hotel afterwards one of her close friends started trouble. Came back totally pissed n tried to kick down my room door, with me and my 4 year old inside, shouting some crap about that her partner was inside ( total nonsense). She frightened the hell outta me and my kid and the police were called as she was causing trouble elsewhere in the hotel. She had found the missing partner and was attempting to beat them up.. Nice eh.

So, best friend's 40th in 3 weeks and she has invited above crazy mate. It will be a small gathering so I won't be able to avoid. I have texted my friend and told her I don't feel happy about going and that her mate totally overstepped the mark, frightening my son. Told her i'm happy to meet seperately n do something together that wkend.. but her silence would now suggest she's totally pissed off. Should I just go to keep the peace?

AIBU??

OP posts:

RunRabbit · 06/10/2012 19:20

If your sons not going I think you should go as it's your best friend.
Maybe you could leave early if crazy lady starts getting drunk?

SomersetONeil · 06/10/2012 20:04

Why didn't you just say "I would have loved to come but unfortunately I have already accepted another invitation for that day". End of.

Really? You'd say this to your best friend about their 40th, and just expect it to be accepted? My friendships must work a little bit differently...!

I would plan to go and plan to leave early before nutter has a chance to tank up and kick off. I couldn't not go to my best friend's 40th

marriedinwhite · 06/10/2012 20:51

SomersetONeil yes, I would have said that. Life moves on from best friends and partners and children become much more important. I would also be quietly removing myself from a best friend who kept up with friends who attracted police attention. I would simply move on.

Blu · 06/10/2012 20:57

Have a conversation. Face ot face. if she's your best mate you will be close and able to talk about thse things.

Texting is really no way at all to communicate with important people about important things. Your BM may now think you are pissed wirth her becaue you texted rather han had a proper conversation.

Blu · 06/10/2012 20:58

And it it's a dilemma, talk - TALK - to your best mate instead of consulting strangers on the net.

LadyPlainJane · 06/10/2012 20:58

I wouldn't go but I would plan something else to celebrate with her. I would keep the refusal to go to the party very low key. I would make sure that it is clear that you are not giving her an ultimatum and that you are not upset about it more that you just don't want to go if CrazyBitchLady is there.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2012 20:59

Well, she might be your best friend, but I get the impression that you are not hers. Because if you were, she would be putting your feelings above crazy-violent-drunk-woman's. Seriously, she laughs off the behaviour of this woman? I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with your 'best friend' at all.

I'd stick to your guns. You don't want to be around the crazy-violent-drunk-woman, it really is that simple.

SomersetONeil · 06/10/2012 21:02

Ah well, agree to disagree about moving on from best friends, but then I've been best friends with mine for 33 years, and a husband and a DC doesn't negate that. Plus both DH and I adore our friends and our social life, and would find life just the 4 of us way too insular.

Having said that, none of our friends' friends attract police attention, thank goodness. I still can't really imagine just ditching an old, good friend for the actions of another, though.

Natnat29 · 06/10/2012 21:02

I would not go and your bf shouldn't have invited her after what went on apology or no applogy

diddl · 06/10/2012 21:06

I wouldn´t go, I´d do somethong another time-if she wanted.

I couldn´t be bothered with someone who stayed friends with such a twat tbh.

Mandz07 · 06/10/2012 21:07

I wouldn't go if she is truly your best friend she would want you to be there over someone who made a seen at her wedding! Why she would want her at her birthday baffles me. I would defiantly have the same opinion as you and not be comfortable going x

QuintessentialShadows · 06/10/2012 21:09

I am surprised your friend has invited this other nutjob when she is likely to wreck her party.

Bubblegum78 · 06/10/2012 21:13

I think that what you are saying is totally understandable!

It may be that your friend is a bit stumped by your response and simply doesn't know what to say.

Maybe she spoke to this other woman beforehand and this woman assured her it was a one off, appologised and promised to behave so she was duly invited and now you have said thanks but no thanks your friend is in a quandry and doesn't know what to do, after all, if this other woman is already invited then she can't exactly uninvite her?

Personally, when things of this nature pop up I would have spoken to her face to face, you would have had a clearer idea of what's really going on, but hey ho, one for next time. :-)

All you can do is wait for a response.

Perhaps you can both do something else, shopping, dinner a theatre break (whatever floats your boat) at the end of the day, she really should have given this situation more thought IMO, the other instance you describe is pretty extreme?

Don't blame yourself, you have a right to voice your concern. x

YouMayLogOut · 06/10/2012 22:24

musicalendorphins · 07/10/2012 03:25

I wouldn't go, I am not fond of parties really, and if your friend thinks her friends behavior at her wedding is acceptable...I would know we have grown apart.

musicalendorphins · 07/10/2012 05:00

I may have gone, and left if that person began to act up, and she wasn't sent on her way, but since you have already told her no, I'd stick with that.

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/10/2012 05:35

yes, as musical says, bit hard now to turn your "no" into a "yes"? FWIW, I would have gone but with a clear exit plan how I would leave at the drop of a hat if nutty-woman-who-can't-hold-her-drink kicks off after too much Pinot grigio

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/10/2012 05:39

BTW, you have effectively given your best friend a "it's her or me" ultimatum. Assuming your friend knows what the other one is like, if she chooses her, your best friend isn't your best friend anymore

Mosschopz · 07/10/2012 07:06

I think if she was your she would understand and you'd be able to celebrate another time. I had a similar situation a few weeks back where I couldn't make her party and that's what we're doing.

pigletmania · 07/10/2012 08:26

I would not text, but call your friend. She is supposed to be your best friend, don't people call each other any more. No I am not surprised tat you don't want to go if that person is there, someone who threatened you and your child, if your best friend is a good friend she will totally understand

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