to want to punch my dd dad in the face???

[Mummyof2Girlies]

hi im new to this just wanted some advice. my dd whos 4 goes to her dads every other weekend and tuesday afternoons. we spilt wen she was 14 months and has seen him regularly on these set days. im now happily engaged and have another dd 15 months. exp is a pain in the butt always poking his nose in makes sarcastic comments spoils dd1 to the point of extreme. she asks every day if her daddy is picking her up or if she is seeing her daddy today it makes me feel like shit like im not gd enuf. dd1 has just started school and he was there on 1st day helped pay for uniform etc. since she started i have told him about parents eve, gave him newsletters even though he gets the same emails we do. when he picked her up tonight he said ever so casually "oh by the way ive joined the pta, didnt u know there was a meeting one of the mums told me on tuesday and ive been elected secetary i dint really want to do it but i thought as its my daughters future education" hes organising events at school and he said oh i can take her to the disco and im organising a bake sale and xmas bingo which i can take dd1 to.
aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school? i mean he works ft as a manager htf is he gonna have time to be a pta secetary?? he is trying to be her mother!!!! ive been fighting this role since she was born! any advice welcome sorry to drag on! xx

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

Yes, Gordy she is allowed to love her Dad, but he can't buy her love!

[Mummyof2Girlies]

I never say a bad word about him to her or in front of her. she is now understanding that mummy and daddy used to live together when she was a baby and i tell her things like when we went on holiday and show her photos. I'm not all bad

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

OP.. re read all your replies, take out or ignore the not nice ones.
You're taking them WAY too seriously, but they were posted because most people read the OP, then reply, then toddle off to read the rest of the replies..lol

Lueji said this Fwiw, if what he does upsets you and you think he does it to get at you or undermine you, then pretend that's exactly what you want him to do.
PTA? Great. I'm glad one of us is on it and might as well be you.
He likes to spend money and buy gifts, then mention all the things you need to buy for her, etc

Do this. Let him buy DD's affection
FWIW my ExP allows my DS to drink beer to the point of getting pissed, he is 15.
I have also got a DP at the moment who did the same thing to his Ex as yours is doing to you. He ended up with the kids for a short while, and it really really screwed him over. He didn't even realise how hard it was. His sister looked after the kids, not him. Now they have gone back to their mums. I have to harass him constantly to arrange contact with them :(
When he does what he does, smile and say yaay how wonderful ect ect, don't get cross, let him do a lot of running round headless chicken style, in order to make himself half the person you are.

Just give DD a happy and settled home. Trust me, if ever he ends up having her full time he won't last five minutes.
Maybe it came as a shock to him as he was complacent and didn't help you, when you ended it, he decided to pull his pants up and be a good dad?
Sit back and see how long it continues.
Maybe it will die off when he gets a new family and more kids.
Thats what i've found personally.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

About ExP .. letting DS drink and stuff that i won't allow, taking him out to interesting places.. i let him get on with it and try my best to trust DS as he is pretty sensible, although it angers me that his dad allows things he knows would piss me off.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

Ok AIBU to want his parents (who he lives with atm) to not smoke in the house??

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU but you can only ask, you can't insist whilst it's still legal to smoke in front of children.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

i have asked and his response.....its not my house.
My dd suffers from asthma which gets worse when she has been near them. what do u suggest i do in this situation? surely no1 thinks im being petty now??

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

No i don't think you're being petty.
Tell him its harming her, if he's a good dad he could ask them to smoke outside or at the very least in another room with the windows open (i know its cold outside, i am smoking in the kitchen atm if its raining)

[WorraLiberty]

If it's causing her to have asthma attacks and her Dad won't speak to his parents about it, I'd speak to them myself if I were you.

If it's not and it's not making her asthma any worse, then you can only ask them to smoke outside really.

[HecateLarpo]

surely no1 thinks im being petty now??

Why do you need strangers to validate you? It honestly doesn't matter if a bunch of people you don't know from adam and wouldn't recognise if you fell over them think you're the rightest of the right or the pettiest critter to ever fall to earth.

It's your life, your situation and what matters is what you feel, how you feel affected by it. Not any of the opinions on here.

It's not our life. And it's easy to sit outside it and judge it. But that doesn't help you - who's living it!

If you want help on how to tackle the issues that upset you, we can pile in with suggestions of things to try and things to say, but you don't need us to agree that you're not petty. You have to believe in yourself and trust yourself.

[HecateLarpo]

sorry. am not sockpuppeting or anything (if that's the right term, since I'm not agreeing with myself or anything.) just changed the end of my name a bit for another thread

[Mummyof2Girlies]

Well nothing is ever going to be resolved with him because he is right and i am wrong. He's the good cop and i am the bad cop. Always will be.

Ive just re read some of the posts some people have put on here and to be honest while 30% of you have been nice the other 70% have been down right nasty. They have made me sob.

Even if i didnt know someone and they posted that i would guess they are at the end of their tether and need to vent to someone out of the equation.

Just to summise:

1. I do not need to get a grip.
   
2. I am not a husband beater Never have. Never will be.
   
3. I am certainly not jealous, spiteful or childish. I am 26 years old with 2 children. I do not have time for childish games with my ex.
   
4. Yes maybe i should have elaborated in my OP and not used such "Violent" terminology but i was-and still am-very upset and distressed by the situation.
   
5. I am mearly trying to gain some perspective on my situation and just wanted some other motherly advice, maybe who was kind of in the same boat.
   

Thank you to all have offered nice friendly comments.
Thanks to you all who have judged me. Nice one.

[Pagwatch]

The thread title is foolish and unnecessary. But I don't for a moment believe that the op either has a history of punching people or any serious intent to hurt anyone.
Focussing on an ill advised title rather than the point of the op seems to me cherry picking.

Op. your feelings are not rational. Your relationship clearly has such a difficult history that you cannot separate the fact that the things your exp are doing are good because you are so used to feeling hostile.

I would strongly suggest that you try and swallow your resentment - even if there is good cause - because the things he does are great for your child. And ultimately that is the main thing.

The comment about a poster being an apologist for Jimmy Saville is quite one of the most pathetic and inappropriate things I have read on here for a while.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

Im going to smile and be all sweetness and light to his face even when he is vile towards me. I am going to ignore his comments. I am not going to let him get to me. I have 2 beautiful girls and a loving fiance who loves me.

If i keep telling myself that i might just start believing it.

[HecateLarpo]

Good for you! That is absolutely the right way to go about it.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

I Can try

[squeakytoy]

I think you just have to keep remembering that at 4 years old, children only see things in very very basic terms. You are the adult, so you will see it differently, and as your daughter grows up, she will still say things that hurt, but she doesnt mean them.

All kids will say "I hate you, I want to go and live with XXX because they wont tell me off"... its natural and normal.

[Pagwatch]

Very sensible. You can do it.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

And don't tell DD or ExP about any family plans then he can't one upmanship it

Ooooh.... tell him she really really wants a pony

[Mummyof2Girlies]

Good one i might try that one!! He did ask the other day what we as buying her for xmas and i told him oh im not sure yet. We do know (silver cross surf dolls pram and portable dvd player as main present) but i thought if i let him know that he'l buy exactly the same or buy it for her now.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Well there you go, lol.
I put that for purely selfish and childish reasons after my mum said the same to my dad, and he got my nanna to buy me a pony.. i was over the moon..
Still didn't want to live with him though, lol

[HecateLarpo]

I am amazed you don't use it to your advantage.

You are going to buy your daughter

a wii
a big flatscreen tv for her bedroom
a dsi xl
a dvd player
an ipad
an ipod
a kindle

etc etc

come on woman, think

[HecateLarpo]

sorry, that should have started "like ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm, I am amazed..."

[Mummyof2Girlies]

Next time he says anything like that i am going to say all sorts of things!
Good thinking x

[HecateLarpo]

If you wangle an mp3 player, can I have it?