to want to punch my dd dad in the face???

[Mummyof2Girlies]

hi im new to this just wanted some advice. my dd whos 4 goes to her dads every other weekend and tuesday afternoons. we spilt wen she was 14 months and has seen him regularly on these set days. im now happily engaged and have another dd 15 months. exp is a pain in the butt always poking his nose in makes sarcastic comments spoils dd1 to the point of extreme. she asks every day if her daddy is picking her up or if she is seeing her daddy today it makes me feel like shit like im not gd enuf. dd1 has just started school and he was there on 1st day helped pay for uniform etc. since she started i have told him about parents eve, gave him newsletters even though he gets the same emails we do. when he picked her up tonight he said ever so casually "oh by the way ive joined the pta, didnt u know there was a meeting one of the mums told me on tuesday and ive been elected secetary i dint really want to do it but i thought as its my daughters future education" hes organising events at school and he said oh i can take her to the disco and im organising a bake sale and xmas bingo which i can take dd1 to.
aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school? i mean he works ft as a manager htf is he gonna have time to be a pta secetary?? he is trying to be her mother!!!! ive been fighting this role since she was born! any advice welcome sorry to drag on! xx

[YoloOrTwice]

Oh dear OP some people do like to get on their high horses eh?

It sounds like your exh is trying to do a "anything you can do I can do better" I can imagine how frustrated and annoyed you must be.

Deep breath, your DD loves you, cares for you and will always need you. It may feel like he is trying to take her away (and he might be petty enough to try it) but even at 4 years your DD will know she wants to be with you. In tantrums and anger DD will throw the I want to live with daddy card but I bet if you started packing her bags for her she would take it back pdq.

As for your title - I don't see the big whoop! Maybe you should have put I want to treat DD's dad like a shark

Chin up and chill out

[MagicHouse]

PLease don't be upset. It's obvious from your post that your relationship with your ex is very difficult. I have experienced some of what you're going through ( I can especially relate to the bit about having very little interest before the split... I remember practically having to beg him to look after my two for a hour or two to do some cleaning :-$.... whereas now of course he has them for whole weekends :-0. Before this just would never have happened. )
If you become bitter and angry you are just playing into his hands, because you will push your daughter away. Don't tell him about special surprises. Just keep telling your dd how much you love her. When she says she wants to live with her daddy, she is trying to get at you, because actually she is angry and loves you very much and what she really wants is cuddles and attention from you.
I sooo empathise with that bitter feeling, and reacting to things. I can't say enough how much it works (in terms of reducing my own stress and helping to build a strong relationship with my dd) to ignore the "games", be nice, take time out for your dd - take just her to the park so she gets some time with just her mummy. She will be picking up on your feelings and that might be stressful for her.
Make some time for you, too. Go out with some friends. Put this in perspective. Be proud that you have moved on.
Ignore him. He will get tired of it.

[fluffygal]

From your first OP you did sound a bit insecure, but from your subsequent posts it is clear some things he is doing to wind you up, especially the Peppa Pig thing. I think the lesson there is never tell him your plans! I get on ok with my ex, but if he is ever winding me up I just avoid talking to him. He is probably looking for a reaction from you so just smile and say 'that's nice'. He will soon get bored. Also my daughter is 5 and she says lots of hurtful things when she is angry. Chances are your DD knows you get upset when she says she wants to live with Daddy so uses that. And on the asking if she is seeing Daddy every day, my two are 5 and 6 and have only recently started remembering what days are Daddy days, before they would always ask. Like others say, you are very lucky he is so involved, so it is best to 'manage' the other stuff to stop yourself getting worked up.

[remsby]

OP- I think I get where you're coming from. My friend's abusive ex husband can't even be trusted to behave when he sees his children at a contact centre. He joined the PTA for a bit. It didn't last. I think posters should give OP a break. From her description the ex sounds manipulative and someone who puts her under a lot of strain. I think when the OP says he wants to be the 'mother' she simply means that he wants to eclipse her to undermine relationship with dd.

[zippey]

Hi Mummyof2girlies - your daughter will always love you and she will always love her dad. You seem worried that she seems to love being with her dad more but this is probably not the case. Its good that she is getting 50:50 best of both worlds. Also if she see's you encouraging the contact and saying nice things about her dad (your ex) it might help her and yourself, and this can only make you look more positivly in her eyes.

[SirBoobAlot]

You sound highly insecure. You need to get past how you feel about your ex - what matters is how your DD feels about him. She loves him, and he's good with her. Regardless of what you think his motivation is for his actions, he's taking a positive role in her life, and you need to focus on that.

[whois]

I didn't finish the OP: paragraphs, please!

But from what undid read, YABU and spiteful.

[Lueji]

Fwiw, if what he does upsets you and you think he does it to get at you or undermine you, then pretend that's exactly what you want him to do.
PTA? Great. I'm glad one of us is on it and might as well be you.
He likes to spend money and buy gifts, then mention all the things you need to buy for her, etc

[HecateHarshPants]

There's clearly a lot of history here, and your subsequent posts make it clear that he is a really difficult man who - appears - to be motivated not by wanting to be a fully involved father, but by the idea of getting one up/over on you. That's shit for you to have to deal with, and I quite understand why you are so upset.

But you are getting upset about some of the early posts. While it is always unacceptable if people are calling you names and I am not trying to excuse that if that's been done, non name calling yet negative responses to your OP have angered you and I just wanted to say the following.

You have to remember that none of us know you. Your situation is so clear to you, because you're living it. You know what you mean. you know the history. But all we know is what you write. Nothing more.

And what you put in your OP described nothing more than a man who sees his child regularly, went to her first day at school, helped pay for her uniform, joined the PTA, wants to be involved with school, wants to take her to events...

and the worst thing you said he does is 'pokes his nose in' (which he's allowed to - it's not 'poking your nose in' to your child's life!) and make sarcastic comments.

now, from your further posts, it is clear there's much more going on here, and you clearly feel he's trying to hurt you and isn't interested in being involved in his child's life, he's just using being involved in it to score points and piss you off, but none of that was described in your OP.

I am really sorry that you've been called names. That is uncalled for and it shouldn't happen.

[HecateHarshPants]

That's really fabulous advice, Schmaltz.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

thank u for the good advice schmalzingmatilda and hecateharshpants.
As for the rest of u who think im being spiteful then think what u like. im just a mum who is fed up with her ex trying to play at i can do it better than u. ive tried talking ive tried mediation nothing works.
So save all arguements she might as well be better off with him then as hes such a wonderful father and the sun shines out of his arse and im such a spiteful cow then?
And jusbecause someone contributes to school uniform and has them per soliciters agreement doesn't nessacerlly make them a good dad.

[WorraLiberty]

You need to get rid of this 'competition' thing between the two of you and just accept that your DD loves you both.

It's not her fault you two split up, yet here she is caught in the middle of two parents who don't seem to understand she's obviously crazy about the pair of you.

Just let your ex get on with what he's doing and don't worry about it.

[gordyslovesheep]

what Worra said

and paragraphs

[Mummyof2Girlies]

Im not in competion. I try my hardest to include him in everything she does involving school, and previously pre school. He is the one who has to be one better all the time.

We brought her some peppa pig toys as a treat for starting school, she went to her dads on the tuesday told him she'd got a new toy (so i never mentioned anything) and on the friday (his weekend) he turned up with a boot full of every peppa pig toy you can imagine. He said to me oh just put dd1 in the car and purposly said oh just look at all this ive brought her!

[WorraLiberty]

Right yes but surely you're exhausted from all the angst you're feeling?

You can't change what he does and you can't control it either.

So my advice is find a way to live with it and just concentrate on your own life and how you do things when she's with you.

Stop all this "She can't wait to see him so she obviously loves him more" crap...because all that's going to do is make your DD feel guilty for feeling however she does.

She loves you both and that's the way it is.

[gordyslovesheep]

so what - my ex always buys then the 'best' things - he is rich and he has always shown love with gifts - it's not a competition and it's LOVE and security that will make her happy not stuff

both of you offer her that and she's made ! the rest is insignificant

[Mummyof2Girlies]

ive been exhausted for the past 4 years.

How do you explain to a 4year old that everytime you go out she can't have a present or that she can't have a Mcdonalds every night for tea or that she can't sleep in your bed or you cant sit with her and wait till she's asleep every night because thats what she does at daddys?

I've tried you don't live with daddy you live with mummy, daddy does things differently at his house all i get back is i want to live with daddy then.

WTF do i do? Its ok to say oh rise above it smile and ignore him but i know one day she is going to actually ask to live there.

[gordyslovesheep]

that ^ you are doing ti - my 3.5 year old sleeps in daddy and the OW's bed when she is there - she tries it here - I put her back in her bed

it's just life with separate homes - if it's hard for us imagine how hard it is for THEM!

You HAVE to rise above it - you are the adult - she needs you to

[Mummyof2Girlies]

it just doesnt feel enough

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

Mummyof2Girlies, you sound exasperated, you really do, you poor love.

Your little girl loves you, she really does. Her love can't be bought and that is what your Ex is trying to do, he thinks if he gives her more, she'll love him more. She won't. She won't be 4 forever, she'll soon cotton on to what he is doing. Children are very astute.

You can only do your best for her. Children need love, guidance, boundaries and discipline, not thousands of Peppa Pig toys and Maccy D's for tea. Please don't let his spiteful sets get you down.

[gordyslovesheep]

she is allowed to love her dad though

[Mummyof2Girlies]

thank you thats what my partner says.

i just dont want him to be all oh im taking her to this, im taking her to that and she'll want him to and i'll get pushed aside yet again.

another thing he done was when i gave birth to dd2 dd1 was at his for weekend and we didnt phone to tell her because she was home on the sunday(i had her saturday eve so was home in time for dd1 to be brought back.)

when he saw we had the new baby he said (in front of dd1) oh well that'll be dd1 pushed aside now wont it you'd better come home with me.

Was there any need? and you all think im the spiteful one?!

[Mummyof2Girlies]

and like ive said before i do not stop her from seeing him im very accomadating if he phones and asks to have her a certain day (even if we have plans) then 99% of the time i will say yes.

we're not going to centre parcs in the october hols as she'll miss out on seeing him tuesday and he moaned about not seeing her for the afternoon.

[DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost]

Your giving her things which are much more important to her than her father is - proper love, boundaries, routine - he's just trying to buy her with toys.

He's too lazy to be a good parent, and won't instil any of the values that children need if they're to grow up into responsible, lovable adults.

So how about focusing on the things that he can't do with her - teach her to cook, make things together, do fun stuff with her little sister - all the things that he won't do because it requires a proper investment in time and love.

Children are sent to hurt us - don't be hard on yourself. Don't compare yourself to him, especially in front of her, but also don't be afraid to tell her that you love her too much to spoil her with everything she wants, because you want her to grow up to be a lovable person