to want to punch my dd dad in the face???

[Mummyof2Girlies]

hi im new to this just wanted some advice. my dd whos 4 goes to her dads every other weekend and tuesday afternoons. we spilt wen she was 14 months and has seen him regularly on these set days. im now happily engaged and have another dd 15 months. exp is a pain in the butt always poking his nose in makes sarcastic comments spoils dd1 to the point of extreme. she asks every day if her daddy is picking her up or if she is seeing her daddy today it makes me feel like shit like im not gd enuf. dd1 has just started school and he was there on 1st day helped pay for uniform etc. since she started i have told him about parents eve, gave him newsletters even though he gets the same emails we do. when he picked her up tonight he said ever so casually "oh by the way ive joined the pta, didnt u know there was a meeting one of the mums told me on tuesday and ive been elected secetary i dint really want to do it but i thought as its my daughters future education" hes organising events at school and he said oh i can take her to the disco and im organising a bake sale and xmas bingo which i can take dd1 to.
aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school? i mean he works ft as a manager htf is he gonna have time to be a pta secetary?? he is trying to be her mother!!!! ive been fighting this role since she was born! any advice welcome sorry to drag on! xx

[Mummyof2Girlies]

well thanks sooo much for all of your lovely helpful comments. just to clarify i am not a bloody ex partner beater or whattever you want to call it. i would never ever hit or assult anyone i was venting anger because im at the end of my tether. when we were together he was horrible mean and spiteful to me. took no interest in his daughter or me wen we were living togther. triedd to go for full custody wen we split up wanted to take her to live with his monther who smokes 60 a day and doesnt think theres anything wrong with a child being in that environment. he doesnt listen to anything i say does totally the opposite deliberitly does things to spite us eg told him he coulnt have her a certain week in summer hols as we had planned to take her to peppa pig world the next time he picked her up he told me guess where w are going peppa pig land and they went the following day. ruined our suprise for her cos shed already been. i cant put across to u how much of a horrible human being he is but it looks like most of u on here have made up ur ind im involved in some kind of domestic vilonce towrds my ex. so thanks

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

Well it would help if ypu didn't use such violent termonology in yout title. yABU to run off in a huff with the responses you got!!

[dysfunctionalme]

Mummyof2Girlies - re-read your op as if someone else had written it. You describe an ex who, sees his child regularly, contributes time and money, and takes a full interest in her education.

That's actually a flattering description of an ex.

You also say he's a pain in the butt and is sarcastic to you. The sarcasm, undermining comments are not on. If contact is troubled, would it be helpful to do handover through a third person? Minimise your contact with him?

And as for your dd wanting to spend time with him, she's just a little girl and I'm sure that she in no way says these things to make you feel bad. Think how much worse it would be if you had to hand her over and she screamed and cried. It is actually quite special that your dd has 2 parents who adore her.

Not sure what to make of your concern that he "spoils" her as you haven't provided detail, but in any case there isn't a lot you can do. It's tricky parenting alongside an ex, isn't it.

But the school thing, well, maybe try to take it at face value. He's taking an interest in her education and that is v positive. It doesn't need to be a competition between you both.

It does sound as though you need to reduce your contact with him as much as possible so you don't keep getting upset by his behaviour.

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

OP you just sound angry and bitter. Let go.

[RecklessRat]

YABVU.

You sound very bitter and resentful, when you should be celebrating the fact that your DDs father is taking an active role.

As for wanting to punch him in the face for this....... Words actually fail me.

[FellatioNelson]

aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school?

Yes, actually, YAB completely U, and incredibly childish. You sound like someone off Jeremy Kyle to be honest, although I doubt any of the dads on there ever went near the PTA.

FFS. Your child's father wants to be a fully involved parent and you want to punch him in the face for it?

Good grief.

(off to read whole thread now. I imagine it's an interesting one.)

[Mummyof2Girlies]

how many times i dont actually want to punch him! ffs! iv seen alot worse stuff on here said about exes! he is always trying to undermind me question what i do. i have no interest in him i am certainly not bitter i ended it with him for the sake of my child. im not and not ever saying he is a bad dad he loves her to bits is a better dad now we r apart. if u knew him and knew what he was like then u would probably want nothing to do with him either. i would never stop him being involved its just the pta thing has gotten to me when i know he has only done it to get at me its not for his daughters sake at all. if anyone is bitter and angry its him he hates ive got a new baby and partner of 3yrs. hel slag me off to anyone who'll listen. and yes it seems like im slagging him off but ive got no one else who will listen!!!! my partner gets fustrated cos it upsets me and my parents get soo mad about the way he treats me theres no point. looks like there was no point on here either. :(

[Fairylea]

I understand you're angry if he's always been a bit useless up till now and is now suddenly mother Teresa. It is frustrating. Same thing I have gone through with my ex.

But - speaking as someone 9 years down the line on this - you really have to let it go. Whats done is done and now he's trying to be a good parent. That's good for your little one. She obviously loves him. In the long term that's great believe me. Better that than having her crying .... at least you know she's happy to go ! You're always going to be her mum. But it's good for her to have a good dad too !

Honestly just suck it up and let it go.

My dd is 9 now and my ex hardly saw her for the first year after we split. He now behaves like father of the year and is taking her on holiday to USA for half term. I just put dd first and think about things from her point of view.

[RecklessRat]

Well, you did ask, in your title, if it would BU to want to punch him in the face.....

So what else are we supposed to think??

[LesleyPumpshaft]

Maybe you could try and look on the positive side? What he's doing is beneficial for you and DD, unless he gets bored and reverts back to his old ways (from what you said about him being useless before).

If you are there for DD, then she will love and respect you anyway.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

im just sooo scared shes gonna want to go live with him as he showers her with attention presents she doesnt get told off basically gets away with murder. she is a normal 4yr old who tests boundries and at home gets told off/put o naughty step if she misbehaves badly. she has told me countless times in rage i want to live with my daddy he doesnt tell me off! hes like a god in her eyes and i end up being the baddie. i give each of my kids attention dd1 even more really and its still not enough. he lavishes in the fact that she cant wait to get out of the house to go to his. it really upsets me as she has a lovely homelife with me and my partner he loves her like his own daughter i just dont understand it

[LesleyPumpshaft]

Mummyof2Girlies, I went through that with XP and DS. It is hurtful, but try to remember that she is just a child. XP just didn't have the consistency to keep up his efforts at being a 'good dad', and it was obvious that he was partly doing it to spite me. So, I can empathise with you. It sounds like your X is more reliable than minen though.

As you DD gets older, she will realise what you do for her, and respect you more for being consistent and having boundaries. Lots of XP's don't tell their DC's off when they stay with them. Basically, it's easier for them, because they don't have to be a parent the rest of the time. I know you're pissed off, but try to appreciate the fact that he chips in for uniform and actually wants to spend time with her. Lots of here don't have that luxury.

[FellatioNelson]

I understand the difference between actually wanting to do it, and just feeling so enraged that you can imagine doing it in your head but knowing it would be completely wrong to act on it. I get that.

Let's conveniently forget for a second that no man would EVER be allowed to get away with saying what you said on MN. It wouldn't matter one jot that it is just a turn of phrase to express anger and frustration. We've had this arguement a million times, and we have a long way to go before men and women are treated equally on this forum.

What I don't get is why you think what he has done is worthy of that level of anger and frustration on your part. For crying out loud, bringing up a child together, TOGETHER, REMEMBER, when you are no longer together yourselves is never going to be easy. It will always be an exercise in patience, compromise, communication, understanding and fairness. What is should never be is an exercise in competition and one-upmanship. you sound genuinely bitter and disappointed that your daughter looks forward to spending time with her Daddy and you sound as if you'd quite like to paint him out of the picture altogether. But your daughter is so LUCKY that her father won't let that happen. Don't you see that?

Rise above your insecurities and be glad that he wants to be involved. Don't resent it. Honestly, saying that you think he is only being so involved in order to make you look/feel shit just makes you sound like a bit of a bunny boiler with a huge chip on your shoulder.

[LesleyPumpshaft]

Sorry, just seen the state of my typing. Nevermind, I'm posting on an internet forum, not writing War and Peace.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

i know im lucky in some ways with him but i dont know how much more i can take ive been awake all night worrying about it and then reading what everyone has said on here makes me feel im in the wrong to feel like this when hes the one being a twit. as usual he comes across the wonderful one. hurtful isnt the word.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

yeah bunny boiler thats what i am!!!

[FellatioNelson]

Can I ask how old you are? You sound very young. Sorry, we don't mean to be hurtful but you do need to listen and see sense!

[LesleyPumpshaft]

Personally, I feel people have been a bit harsh. Perhaps the way you worded the question wasn't great, but you're clearly upset.

None of know your X, so it's hard to comment really. My gut instinct is that you have nothing to worry about, but are feeling insecure. It's easy for people to become competative regarding DC's when they split up, but you need to rise above it. Focus on how your X's involvement benefits you.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

im bloody 26! 'we' dont mean to be hurtful? ive been called a bunny boiler spiteful bitter angry and accused of domestic violence!

[Mummyof2Girlies]

lesleypumpshaft thank you for ur kind words, i just wish id have kept my thoughts to myself now instead of upsetting myself even futher.

[SarryB]

I reckon you should count yourself lucky. I would rather he was over-involved than didn't care at all.

[FellatioNelson]

You say you are quite new on MN so perhaps you don't realise that AIBU is always very straight talking and tough love stuff. you ask the question AIBU and you have to be prepared to be told that yes, you are, and exactly why.

For an approach that was more like a sympathetic counselling session perhaps you should have posted on Relationships or Single Parenting. Anway, my stance remains the same to be honest. I think you need a good shake! I get really tired of hearing about men who don't give a stuff about supporting/visiting the children they have, and then hearing other women moan because they do!

[Mummyof2Girlies]

fair enough but i think it is very unfair of people to call me all them horrible names.
and just to clarify i am not or ever going to punch anyone. just incase anyone is thinking of phoning the dv helpline

[LondonKitty]

Well I don't think you don't sound like a bad person at all OP. You sound very frustrated and hurt.

Probably best thing to do is beam at him and tell him how wonderful he is for being involved. If he's doing it just to annoy you, and you are in fact thrilled, then he'll get tired of it pretty quickly.

And of course your dd is going to think he's a god. Most four year old girls think daddy rules, even without the constant showering of insecurity gifts. As she gets older, she will appreciate your more difficult - but essential - role more.

In the meantime, see it for what it is. He's not feeling very secure in his role - she lives with another father figure... you see her every day, he does not.

Take the moral highground. Tell them both that she deserves the treats he gives her. Smile and say oh nothing's too much for your little princess when he over indulges. Then make sure that at home she understands about moderation and that your job is to teach her to be a kind and balanced grown-up.

Your daughter is growing up with a loving family around her. As your family increases (?!), she will feel ever more entrenched in what her sister and other siblings are doing. I think her dad is a bit scared because he already feels out in the cold.

[Mummyof2Girlies]

LondonKitty thanks for that she loves playing with her little sister and adores her. i hate it when i cant ge my point across i was obviously upset when i wrote my post and can see it comes across like im playing tit for tat but honestly im not. if u knew him honestly u wud see what he is trying to do