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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you dated someone whilst they smoked you can't give ultimatums based on it?(long).

53 replies

YerMaw1989 · 05/10/2012 15:45

okay I started from being a very young teen (12ish) (not uncommon when& where I grew up so I;m not trolling/shock factor etc).

I met my DP at 18 , still smoked not heavily I add and I was courteous to not smoke a lot around him. I fell pregnant not long after I quit smoking cold turkey at 19.

its been 3 years now with the odd lapse fag I have never bought a packet etc , because I was told 'if you ever smoke again its over!' it sort of scared me (not sure if its the right word) into not smoking again but tbh (controversial) I wish I had on some level.
I was very ill for the first few years of my DC's life PND, Faulty contraception made me bleed constantly to the point of anaemia, I have anxiety due to a v. volatile childhood. plus contending with a SN toddler alone mostly. I wish I could go back and give myself permission to 'have a fag woman give yourself some sanity' I know its v. unhealthy I'm not negating that.
I'm not smoking/drinking atm (prego)
But I made it very clear the other day that,
a) If I have a bad day and I want a fag, I will have one.
b) if you dated me whilst smoking then you can't really hoik your bosom about it.
To add I would never smoke in the house/inflict it on my kids in that way I feel quite strongly about that.

WIBU?AIBU?

OP posts:

Smeghead · 05/10/2012 16:58

Allen Carrs "Easyway to stop smoking" is good at helping you lose that feeling that you are missing out when you cant have a fag. I am sure there is another one too called "Easyway to stay stopped" or something! Possibly that is aimed at people who are like you, occasional smokers.

He says that people who are strict with themselves and rarely smoke are often the ones that find it hardest to quit, as they have awarded such high importance on the odd the ciggie they do have.

I am sure I still have my copy of the first book (and might have a copy of the second, I seem to recall buying it when I had a major wobble and fell off the wagon! If I did, then I didnt read it!) and you are welcome to them if you would like them :)

Smeghead · 05/10/2012 17:01

a woman is being totally supported in issuing the same ultimatum to her DH about his drinking! Double standards much?

I dont think it is double standards, as a drunk person affects everyone around them. They can be violent, aggressive, loud, sick....etc. But the OP doesnt smoke in the house, doesnt smoke around anyone and is aware of the fact that if she did, then it would affect other people. She cares about that but the drinker you refer to doesnt care, so imo there is a big difference.

And btw telling someone that they stink, that they are killing themselves and others, its expensive etc has never worked at getting someone to quit. If it did then there would be no smokers left in the world. Smokers know all that, and its patronizing to tell them what they already know and has clearly made no difference to their decision to smoke.

expatinscotland · 05/10/2012 17:04

' whereas there's a thread in relationships where a woman is being totally supported in issuing the same ultimatum to her DH about his drinking! Double standards much? '

Because his drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person. Never heard of anyone say, 'I smoked too much to drive tonight!' or 'I get extremely violent when I smoke.'

GoldenSeptember · 05/10/2012 17:12

How exactly do you know that drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person expat? (assuming that we're talking about the same thread) His drinking may have no influence on his levels of aggression.

When I was a smoker and trying not to smoke, I was utterly foul tempered and full of rage. Far more so than after I've had a drink, frankly.

DoubleMum · 05/10/2012 17:14

Well, my DH smoked when I met him, and I hated it. We moved in together and he only ever smoked outside. He got through his stressful finals and then he gave up. He has occasionally slipped up, but if he started again it might very well end our relationship. He won't. But even the odd 'slip up' has consequences if you have something like life insurance and are down as a non-smoker.
So I guess that my view is, YABU to smoke, but he is BU to be issuing such black and white ultimatums.

halloweeneyqueeney · 05/10/2012 17:14

Because his drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person. Never heard of anyone say, 'I smoked too much to drive tonight!' or 'I get extremely violent when I smoke.'

I don't think its double standards. For partners of people addicted to anything (cigarettes, alcohol, gambling etc) one of the most heartbreaking things to watch is your partner prioritising their addiction over your life/future together, this can include spending money that you need for rent/bills on the addiction, or limiting the length of time you'll have alive together etc
There are common threads with any addiction

expatinscotland · 05/10/2012 17:15

'How exactly do you know that drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person expat? (assuming that we're talking about the same thread) His drinking may have no influence on his levels of aggression.'

Because I'm thinking of a thread in which this is the case. Among the hundreds I've seen over the past 8 years on here.

GoldenSeptember · 05/10/2012 17:18

"Smokers know all that, and its patronizing to tell them what they already know and has clearly made no difference to their decision to smoke."

But their partner is perfectly within their rights to decide that those factors mean that they don't want to be in a relationship with the person any more. Same as the partner of a drinker is entitled to do the same. The smoker/drinker/whatever is equally entitled to choose their habit over their relationship. But labelling the DP in this case as controlling... I don't think that's very reasonable.

sookiesookie · 05/10/2012 17:22

I can see both sides. I see you point, op, however if you continue to smoke you will die. Your dh will have to nurse you and then pick up the pieces with your dc. So I see his point.

Drinking (unless you are a alcoholic or aggressive when drunk etc) occasionally is not as high risk.

However your do should kick off at occasional lapses etc.
Both me and dh are ex smokers and tbh I would be pissed off if dh was risking his life doing something, especially when there is no real reason to.

sookiesookie · 05/10/2012 17:25

Also your dp has the right to choose not to be with someone, because of behaviour he finds unacceptable.

Francagoestohollywood · 05/10/2012 17:33

Yanbu

atacareercrossroads · 05/10/2012 17:44

Yanbu if he would leave you over the occasional bifta then he's got his priorities way off balance and you'd be better off without him imo. What a buttmunch!

Original poster

YerMaw1989 · 05/10/2012 19:08

Lots of good points here, now all I want is a fag I wouldn't though atm definitely.

OP posts:

quirrelquarrel · 05/10/2012 19:28

the smell is utterly repulsive to non smokers

Not necessarily. I loved the smell as a kid and that's why I started really. Now I like other things about it, but especially the smell.

Bunbaker · 05/10/2012 20:49

"the smell is utterly repulsive to non smokers

Not necessarily. I loved the smell as a kid and that's why I started really. Now I like other things about it, but especially the smell."

I think you are unusual. I loathe the smell of cigarette smoke. Apart from hating the smell I have to live with the fact that smoking killed my mother. Her lungs were absolutely shot - she used to spit into ashtrays and she gurgled every time she drew breath, and walking up a flight of stairs made her sound like she has just run a marathon.

Francagoestohollywood · 05/10/2012 22:21

Oh I loved the smell of a freshly lit cigarette when I was a child!

I have a friend who stopped smoking some 10 yrs ago, and still loves the smell!

bellabreeze · 06/10/2012 03:52

Yanbu, it's pretty controlling in my opinion and obviously you're your own person, you can actually do anything that you want to do. You are an adult and you have the right to make your own choices

Original poster

YerMaw1989 · 06/10/2012 05:15

in his defence its not something he says a lot only a few times amongst the years but seemed a but perturbed when I pointed out I was a smoker when we first met, so its 'in me'.
He said sort of jokingly 'was hoping to change you' which I think is a mistake lots of people make.
Maybes its my hormones going 'arrgghhh' that makes me dream of having a fag.

OP posts:

dysfunctionalme · 06/10/2012 05:46

I get what you're saying OP but I do think that if he hates smoking then he will continue to object to you smoking.

Equally if you love to smoke and want to continue to do so, then you can object to his take on it.

You need to ask yourselves whether it's a deal breaker. Do you want to be together more than you want to smoke? Does he want to be with you more than he dislikes smoking?

PoppyWearer · 06/10/2012 07:03

When I started going out with my DH he smoked.

When we got serious, I told him that as I am asthmatic, he would need to quit before we moved in together. It was a deal breaker for me.

He loved me so he quit.

That was 12 years ago. He is pleased he quit when he did.

If he hadn't respected my wishes, I would have questioned how much he cared for me.

OldCatLady · 06/10/2012 07:21

When I met my partner he smoked, which when dating wasn't much of an issue, but as things got serious and I'd stay over, we'd go out for dinner a lot I started to start to notice it a lot more. I'd be left while he went to have a fag and he'd stink of smoke for the rest of the night, which when on 1st/2nd date etc he didn't do. So I told him its me or the fags and he gave up there and then. He has the odd one when stressed or drunk with friends, but I'd say that's only about once a month and I'm ok with that.

GragPop · 06/10/2012 07:48

When me and dp first started dating he said he would never quit, I respected his choice. If its a deal breaker surely you would bring it up near the start of the relationship, not a year or two down the line.

I think he is being unreasonable in the way he has given you an ultimatum.

geegee888 · 06/10/2012 08:29

YABU. Everyone has a right to find something they cannot deal with in a relationship, and to end it. Doubly YABU because you gave up smoking at least partly to keep him interested in you. Now it is you who is wanting to change the goalposts back. And you seem to have no concept of what its like to date a smoker, when you yourself are a non-smoker.

Bunbaker · 06/10/2012 10:27

"And you seem to have no concept of what its like to date a smoker, when you yourself are a non-smoker."

I agree. Would you date someone whose breath stinks of digested garlic or some other unpleasant smell all the time?

Original poster

YerMaw1989 · 06/10/2012 11:32

I quit because I fell pregnant, that's when I got the ultimatum and that was 3 years ago. But I feel I made too much of a black and white thing , like another poster said people lapse, and he knows I've had odd relapses and has never gone crazy etc just more of a 'When was this?'
I can understand him having a 'Where has this come from' thought, I've having more of a backbone recently in many ways.

I would never smoke in the home etc I wonder if that makes any difference? he knows this too.

OP posts:

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