How much of a favour are they actually doing us?

[Abitlikechicken]

Every 2-3 months I have to work a late night at work - usually til about 9pm, so putting DD (2) in nursery is problematic on these days, particularly as my OH isn't able to pick her up. On these occasions, my mum and dad usually come up the night before (they live up north), stay over then take her for the day. We've done it 3-4 times and they've all enjoyed it. It's a massive favour I know but we're really grateful as we don't have any other family local to us.

Two weeks ago, we had them up to stay while I worked late and DD woke early, was teething and a bit under the weather. She was a handful all day. Parents told me as much at the when I rang from work. Fast forward to today and I'm on the phone, mum was talking about a problem they had had last visit, I alluded to the fact that it had been a tough gig with DD that day and she went off on one, saying they didn't think she'd enjoyed their visit and that they hadn't been able to keep her happy. She then said that next time they came down to help, they could put her in nursery for the day and go out and 'do their own thing', picking her up for her tea.

Sorry, but yes it's a favour...but they see her about once a month, so to bin her off to nursery seems a wasted opportunity for a bit of grandparent/grandchild bonding to me. It also makes me feel they don't like looking after her, even though I know that's not really true.

Their confidence has taken a knock, that's all, and with four kids raised themselves, I'm sure they're a damn sight better at it than me! AIBU to make a bit more effort.

DD's other GP's are elderly and not able to get as involved.

I wouldn't want to look after a 2yo for that length of time, not even a blood relation.

I think you are lucky that they have done it until now but they are telling you, perhaps clumsily, that it is too much for them.

It doesn't mean that they don't love her to bits, just that they need a shorter day with her. They might feel differently in a year or so, but right now she's hard work.

YABU I think. They are doing you a massive favour and you don't sound very grateful. And I don't like the expression, 'bin her off to nursery'. In fact I was a bit shocked. A great opportunity to look after a miserable teething toddler for a day. . I think it would probably be a better idea to get a mature and reliable babysitter for those times.

I have a similar occasional evening meeting/ DH works away/ nursery shuts at 6pm dilemma. Last November, my mum offered to help, proposing it become a regular thing (this meeting I have to go to is every 6 weeks). That very first time, my meeting massively over-ran, DM for some reason took no initiative and did not bath DD or get her ready for bed, instead sat with her asleep on her lap for an hour, complaining she therefore could not move to answer the phone (which was me repeatedly trying to explain/ apologise for lateness). When I got back DD was in bed with her clothes on, DM was in tears, told me I was I bad mother and that she's never babysit again. She was sorry later, but no, has never baby sat since, ten months later and counting. Covering my meeting is an ongoing nightmare.

So all in all, I sympathise. But also sharing this to demonstrate your folks' reaction could have been worse!

Your poor parents! Of course they love her and love spending time with her. But 9 hours babysitting a 2 yr old is a LOOOOOOONG time. Especially when they are not used to minding a full-on 2 yr old on a regular basis.

It is lovely of them to want to help you out. Think of how to make it easiest for THEM, and APPRECIATE what they are doing for you.

LISTEN to what your mom said. And be happy to oblige them. Think of the alternative - having to sort this out without them.

Rules for GC are totally different then for your own DC.

I noticed my Mum had less stamina when she hit her mid 60's, even though she's trim, fit and plays golf etc. Looking after GC is draining as it's a heavy responsibility as well as being physically hard work when you aren't used to, you aren't in your own home and you don't know their routine etc.

I would say a short day in nursery would be a good option for all concerned. In a few months time when she's a bit bigger they'll probably want to do more 'days out' with her and not take her to nursery, but for now I'd go with it.

However, would it not be easier to just find someone who could drop her off to DH?

My mother has a full day a week caring for DS. But she does it under our roof, he's at nursery from 9 - 1, all meals are prepared for them, and she gets me to take over from 6 if he is getting to her/playing up, because she is in her 60s, and toddlers are tiring. She adores DS, but I want them to have happy memories of one another, not her snarling and his being distressed. Many's the evening she wants to sit down with a G&T and let a parent take over, and that's fine.

Sorry, but 12 hours caring for anyone else's child is too long IMO. And if they have said as much, then I don't blame them.

YABU. I think you should appreciate this massive favour your parents do you and do everything you can to make sure they enjoy it. Even seven hours of a 2 year old is a long time and very draining. How ever much you love them.

I would hate to look after a 2 year old for an hour, let alone seven. Mine are only teens but you soon forget what small children are like and you don't have the same energy or patience. Well I know I don't.

I think you are unreasonable.

And judging by your responses, you are too offended at the thought that not everybody find your child a delight for 9 long hours, to take anything we say on board.

QuintessentialShadows, what about her responses makes you feel that? The one where she says "Fair enough, perhaps I'm being a little PFB"? I can't see anything in the responses showing the attitude you describe at all, so why invent that?

DMIL comes down every six weeks or so just to visit and usually DS goes to pre-school as usual but she keeps DD with her (rather than CM) for the day. Occasionally though, if she 's been down a few days with early starts etc she will let them both go off to their regular childcare but maybe pick them up early. Last time DS was ill so had to stay home and she did struggle with them both all day. I think you have to respect their decision on this one - what would you do if they withdrew their offer to be the regular help?

YABVU.

Your parents are being incredibly kind and accomadating helping you out in this way. You shouldn't mind at all that they feel the need to put your DD in nursery for the day.

Just to put a bit of perspective on your post, my parents have never, ever babysat my children. Not even for 12 mins let alone 12 hours. DS1 is 18 in 10 weeks, I am disabled and DH is in the Forces. I could have done with some help.

You are very lucky.

Unfortunately if someone is doing you a favour that you really need them to keep doing you will just have to accept their terms. Maybe they will pick her up early from nursery on the days they are there. As much as they love her it is quite hard work looking after a 2 year old all day.

Abitlikechicken I kind of see where you are coming from. We see my parents about 4 times a year and it used to upset me that they don't really make a great effort. I see grandparents that relish the time spent with gc and wish my ds had a closer relationship with them. I feel like they are waiting for a hypothetical future point at which my DS will be the self sufficient company they feel they can manage.

Your parents are prepared to come over the night before and it helps you out of a tight spot. Quality will be better than quantity and they will be building a lovely relationship.

It may be easier to have your DD on their own turf. How do you/they feel about your DD staying at their house overnight?

My parents and in laws helped a lot when our children were small. We both traveled a lot and when our journeys clashed, parents would step up and help. But we always kept up the regular childcare and they just bridged the gaps at the beginning and end of the day. Never occurred to us not to.

I don't understand why nursery seems to be an all or nothing thing. Surely your parents should be able to feel free to drop DD off mid-morning and pick her up mid-afternoon/ for half the day or whatever suits them? I understand you feeling hurt they don't want to spend all day with DD, but reckon they are just exhausted.

I missed that perfectstorm. Should teach me to read more carefully before commenting.

Sorry op.

My first thought was YANBU as my parents look after DS Mon-Fri with no complaints (they just moan that they miss him at the weekend!)

However at this age children love routine. Your parents coming and your DD not going to nursery is a big disruption to the routine (especially as it's not very often) so maybe she is actually a lot harder work on that day than she would be normally? Maybe her being in nursery for a few hours at least will help her be more settled and happy with seeing your parents outside of nursery hours?

I know that DS is really quite sensitive to changes in his routine (for example if DH gets home before I do in the evening, or if my parents stay for a while after I get home for a chat - he has even started waving bye bye to them to tell them to go!) and he plays up.

So I think YABU. It doesn't mean they love her any less or will bond any less. Just that they know their limits.

I think YABU. What your dm has said is that they didn't think they were able to keep your dd happy on that day. Not that they didn't want to see her or look after her again. They've also offered a practical solution aimed at keeping everyone happy. Given that they're doing you a fairly hefty favour anyway, it'd make a lot more sense to look at ways to sustain this arrangement. Not treat your parents as if they've failed you.

I'm a grandmother. I'm not in my 60s yet and consider I have loads of stamina. But I know that I'd find 12 unbroken hours of caring for my 21 month old dgd, really tiring much as I love her and love spending time with her.

I think if they are having her for the day and it would easier to put her in nursery til tea time let them. Gp's and DD might be happier all round. Sometimes Gp's can find it abit much and she's told you so. They're only looking out for her best interest?

My mother cheerfully and openly admits she loves DS more than her own kids. (As his mum, this appears both rational and fabulous to me. ). Yet she still can't manage him alone for more than 5 or 6 hours without being ratty and exhausted. She's in her 60s, it's too much.

I think the two are unrelated, really: devotion to a child, and ability to manage.

Do your parents get any time to spend with you as a family, ie having DD's company, but not being in charge of childcare? Why not have them down for longer, to spend time over an extended period with DD, and include the nursery time, so it's not so tiring for them?