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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I'm failing to be "housy"

51 replies

zozzle · 03/10/2012 13:14

Because I have two days "off" work a week (during school hours Thurs & Fri), DH is disappointed if the house isn't "ship shape" for the weekend with shopping done and put away, washing done, tidy house etc.

He says it's so we can spend quality time together at the weekend without either of us having to worry about chores. So maybe his motivation is good, but leaves me feeling like I've failed if I don't achieve it (usually achieve some of it but like to fit in a run and meet up with one friend for an hour at some point over the two days). He does his share along the way - puts kids to bed on week nights, sometimes tidies the lounge, washes the odd greasy pot. It is a BIG deal to him if house not orderly for weekend.

Am I failing in my housiness and need to buck up, or is he BU?

OP posts:

Nagoo · 03/10/2012 13:46

If my DH suddenly decided to go part time, and spend 2 days a week going off to play golf or whatever, then I'd be proper fucked off.

the work to bring in money and the work in the house are of equal value. They both need doing, and should be distributed fairly.

We can't all decide that we are going to do whatever we want all the time.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 03/10/2012 13:49

I think he sounds controlling. YANBU

Bubblemoon · 03/10/2012 13:50

He is BU if he's expecting you, in two short school days, to drum up a boutique hotel in which to relax for the weekend . The shopping trip and unpacking alone will take up most of one of those days! Perhaps he needs to rethink what a busy, lived-in house really feels like and remember that most families do spend some of the weekend sharing the chores together and that's what most of us consider quality family time.

That said, if you sit in a pile of dirty washing and magazines, stuffing down cream buns all day whilst he scurries between the coal face and the school run, then maybe he has a point.

squeakytoy · 03/10/2012 13:51

If he works 5 days a week, and you work 3, and you get to spend 2 days dossing about doing your own thing, as well as the 2 days you are both off then YABU.

Original poster

zozzle · 03/10/2012 13:51

Nagoo - I do housework for most of the 2 days - shouldn't be a problem should it? If I did naff all then he'd have grounds to be naffed off.

OP posts:

Original poster

zozzle · 03/10/2012 13:53

Squeakytoy - same as I said to Nagoo.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/10/2012 13:53

If the OP had posted that she works 5 days a week and her husband gets 2 days off more, but spends it playing golf or on his PS3, I bet there would be plenty of support that he should be doing more to help out with the housework on those 2 days..

squeakytoy · 03/10/2012 13:54

How big a house do you live in that you spend 2 days doing housework and it isnt tidy then?

Bonsoir · 03/10/2012 13:54

I think your DH is perfectly reasonable to want a nice, tidy house to relax in at the weekend, but he is unreasonable if he expects you to do all chores in two school days. Get a cleaner!

MrSunshine · 03/10/2012 13:56

Well then if you do it, what's the problem?

And shopping and unpacking takes a whole day? I can do it in two hours with all the children in tow, what the hell are you buying?

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/10/2012 13:58

Provided that you do what you reasonably can I don't think it is U for your DH to expect you to do household jobs in the time you have off. If the tables were turned I would expect my DH to do what he could to free up time for us all at the weekend. It's all about sharing the chores in the time you have availble.

HeathRobinson · 03/10/2012 13:58

So if he's 'disappointed' and the house is not 'ship shape' (arf!) for the weekend, does he do whatever you haven't done on Friday evening?

susitwoshoes · 03/10/2012 13:59

if you do spend those 2 days doing housework then I'm at a loss to understand what the problem is? How can it take more than 2 days to so food shopping, laundry and a bit of cleaning? As others have said, stuff like tidying is an ongoing thing which your DH should help with (and your DC). Does he work long hours?

ginhag · 03/10/2012 13:59

YABU to have 2 threads on the same subject.

Jahan · 03/10/2012 14:02

Get a cleaner. Get your shopping delivered.

doublecakeplease · 03/10/2012 14:02

I think you are being slightly unreasonable if I'm honest - 2 days off is a lot if it's in addition to the weekend and the kids are at school. You're being very defensive OP - are there things you could do (bigger jobs that may take up a couple of whole days as a one off such as a big de-clutter) to make keeping the house clean and tidy? Is DH pulling his weight when he is home? (as in not dumping clothes on the floor / cooking midweek / helping with the kids etc?)

MrSunshine · 03/10/2012 14:03

Get a cleaner and get shopping delivered...and have four full days off? Are you people serious? Who lives like that?

Original poster

zozzle · 03/10/2012 14:04

Susit - extra stuff on top (as I'm sure it is for many of you) medical appointments, sometimes I have to do a bit of paid work - odd email, expenses, shopping to buy stuff for house/kids (at diff. shop to food shopping) etc

OP posts:

WineOhWhy · 03/10/2012 14:05

I think it is ridiculous to say he is controlling without more info. Presumably the decision that you work part time and he works full time was a joint one? There must have been some discussion in that context on the benefits of you only working part time.
My DH and I both currently work full time. It would be easier for him in his job to work part time than for me, and we are talking about him requesting part time working (either 1 full day off a week or 2 half days). It would in part be to support the DC more with homework etc and in part to get some of the admin/household chores done that we would otherwise have to do between us. I must admit that I would be quite annoyed if it turned out that we had given up part of the household income in order for him to have lots more leisure time than me. If, though, he chose to have a chunk of his non-working day(s) as leisure time but then did the chores/helped with homework at the weekend or in the evenings, I dont think I would mind this (subject to us all getting some family time), since I would still be relieved of some of the chores and so would have more leisure time at weekends myself. Also, even if he did all the chores on the non-working days, I would expect he would still have a bit more leisure time, eg becuase he would not have a commute.

So overall, I think it depends on what "the deal" was when it was decided (presumably together) that you should work part time and whether the amoutn of housework that he is expecting is reasonable. Also, i do think there needs to be some flexibility in it.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/10/2012 14:07

how on earth does shopping and unpacking take a full day? I shop for the 4 of us after work on monday night and put it away when I get home. In total it takes about 2 hours

AdoraBell · 03/10/2012 14:10

I like to do things other than housework at the weekends too, but that doesn't mean that you should spend all your spare time doing the housework. It should be shared if there are more than one adult in the home.

That's all I'm saying right now 'cos I'm currently fucked right off with my OH and really don't want to start ranting

Blending · 03/10/2012 14:13

Why don't you sit down and discuss what the priorities are? May be he doesn't realise how long things take?

So by time you've done the school run, you have 6 hours a day, so 12 hours a week. (less if you take time for lunch out )

If you point out that on a Friday it takes you 2 hours to shop, and an hours travelling, plus half an hour to unload the car and put away you have taken near enough 4 hours, if everything goes to plan.

I work 3 days but accept that I pick up most of the household stuff, as we made a choice so both our lives are easier.

When I realised that our expectations were different in terms of standards (after 10 years together it was only when I went PT the issue raised its head!), we got a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, and he took on the laundry.

But it was only through discussing it and I asked what he thought were the priorities and rough timings he realised that it wasn't realistic for me to get everything done, with a toddler in tow, and that I'm not actually a FT SAHM, which in his mind was how it would look like iyswim?

Sorry thats not much help!

YUNoSaySomethingNice · 03/10/2012 14:18

YABU and your DH is BU
TBH I would have thought ou could easily get the housework and shopping done in half a day or so. Whether you want to or not is another matter all together. I would want to enjoy the two days off and would want to do some exercise and socialising both days.

I would probably try and keep on top of the chores the rest of the week so there wan't much to do on the Thursday and Friday.
I would also get the shopping delivered then I would blitz the house while I was waiting in for the shopping.
I use Amazon all the time rather than trawling around shops looking for things. It is my default cause of action.
You DH is also BU because he sounds a bit fussy.

Jahan · 03/10/2012 14:19

ok so no cleaner but what about getting shopping delivered as that seems to take quite a while.

charlottehere · 03/10/2012 14:28

Actually I do think YABU, unless you have pre-schoolers at home or in the school holidays. Your DH is at work when you are off so unless there are other issues ie health, care of elderly relatives I think he has a point!

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