Extra-curricular activities dominating our lives - who's the selfish one?

[WhitesandsofLuskentyre]

DD2 dances twice a week and going to collect her involves a round trip taking 75 minutes late at night (she is able to get there, but not back, on public transport). Today I get a bill from her teacher for a 3rd night per week. It seems DD had led teacher to believe she was going to turn up every week, whilst telling me it would be an "occasional" thing. Teacher seems peed off with me (quite often actually) that I won't sacrifice even more of my time (more importantly, spending money I don't have) to ferry my daughter around.

AIBU to think two nights a week (this has been going on for 5 years) is quite enough?

It's not enough if she wants to go to college to study it.

Sorry.

Interesting, pictures. How do the RAD grades differ in content from the ISTD? DD's dance school does the latter - she attends grade 4 and 5 lessons. Her teacher's norm is for children to attend their own grade, and the grade above, to increase stamina and also to ease the jump between grades. She also does tap, modern, has a solo lesson and lessons for the competitive groups for festivals.

You have to remember that for 16th form or post 18 places she will be competing against kids who have been doing it full time at Hammond, Tring, Elmhurst & RBS etc.

The seniors - who are mostly preparing for vocational training - seem to be at the school every night and also on Saturdays for stretching and additional exercises. Advanced 1 / 2 in all areas of dance and significant festival experience seem to be the norm for them.

I don't know the content of the istd ballet grades I'm not a dancer my background is drama. Dd does istd tap & modern and her teacher said that when their syllabus changed the tap became a lot harder with stuff in grade 1 previously having been set for grade 2.

In RAD you do character dance which isn't in istd.

Both boards do recreational grades 1-8 and vocational grades inter foundation advanced 1 advanced 2 etc. the vic grades are meant for serious dancers only. At dd's school they are started once you hit around grade 5 ish standard.

Oh,those extra curriculum activities.

Will check thread later, got to pick the ds up from school then guess where I'm headed with dd?

Tanks Pictiures, that is clearer. DD's dance school does ISTD grades 1-6 [with a couple of preliminary exams before 1] and then the vocational grades, higher recreational grades aren't offered.

It's ISTD or bust round here - the principals of the two big local dance schools are both ISTD senior examiners!

I'm a bit confused when you say she is already two grades ahead if the college requirements

Sorry, what I meant by that was that she is doing RAD Advanced 1 and 2, but to be considered for audition, she has to have passed Intermediate (which she has done). She's finished all her grades. Although I completely understand the rationale behind learning the new syllabus, it's just the money...

Up to the age of 10 she danced probably 5 days out of 7, but we lived very near a town then (we moved after my divorce). Also, she traded off helping with the little ones (pre-primary and primary) against extra ballet lessons. That isn't an option now. I have to pay for every class she dances in.

As someone else said most reputable colleges don't stipulate they pass any grade (some dance schools don't do them) but ask that you submit photos from which they select). I'm talking the big ones Hammond Tring Doreen bird Laines etc

Round here s lot if schools are BBO. Dd's is one of the only RAD/Istd.

Apologies to the colleges I've missed (like arts ed , central, northern & loads more!)

I was quite sure YWBNU, right up until you said she wants to do it for a career. In that case, I think she needs to go and the fact that she is prepared to get there on the bus (?) amply demonstrates her commitment.

If she's serious about this being a career then 2 nights a week is certainly not enough.

Are 2 of the nights of classes being offered consecutive? Is she sufficiently friendly with any of her fellow dancers that you could make an arrangement for her to stay with them nearby to the dance school one night a week (so she would have school, dance class, stay with friend, school, dance class THEN you do the long commute to fetch her). Could the dance teacher give her a bed for the night 1 night a week in exchange for the petrol money you would save?

As others have said, her auditions will put her in competition with people who are doing this 5 or 6 days a week. She may have the grade to be considered for the audition, but she won't get through the audition and get the place she wants if she doesn't put more time in.

If she isn't truly dedicated to doing this professionally and it's just a hobby she really likes, then YANBU and 2 nights is plenty.

Nope if it's getting to the serious stage now then twice a week is not enough. It's not the teachers fault you live out in the sticks...either your DD is committed or she isn't.

Out here, we all live in the sticks, the ballet teacher included! Which means the lift-sharing thing is out, because DD's fellow dancers are scattered to the four winds.

Hmm, I can see I need to give this more thought. My immediate reaction when the bill came through this morning was to burst into tears because we simply don't have the money (it's actually 2 extra classes on the 3rd night), or the facility to borrow it.

3 of my DC's go to trampolining lessons and all of them enjoy them thoroughly. It costs me £150 a month and I cannot afford anymore than that. The instructors have given me a whopping discount because certainly my DD1 is very talented, and I have so many of them participating. I have always encouraged my children to find activities that they enjoy and that will keep them active and fit, but in all honesty, if tgeh class moved away from where we live now there is no way that I would be drinving that much to pick them up. I don't envy you at all, does your DD have a part time job? Is there any way that she could get a taxi once a week?

Any 15 yr old is going to say YABU, but the teacher has no place dictating how much is sacrificed for the dancing in terms of time, energy, money, impact on family, anything really. In this case the teacher is way out of line. I don't think I'd be doing this trip more than twice unless my DD was seriously heading for the top, Olympic athlete or prima ballarina, level.

Yes, DD does have a part-time job. The irony is that she is saving for her college fees! Ooh god, a taxi would cost even more than my petrol, but it had crossed my mind, yes.

The original plan had been A levels (one of which would have been dance) and then upping her dance hours at her dance school, which would have given me at least another year to consolidate. But she announced in June that she wanted to go to dance college at 16, instead of 6th form.

AdoraBell that's the dilemma, isn't it? I seriously doubt she's heading for the top, because we went through the whole rigmarole of RBS Associates and DD getting put on the waiting list twice (out of 4 or 5 attempts) but never getting a place. DP wanted us to pull the plug at that point, so he really battles with the fact that she has continued. You hit the nail on the head with "time, energy, money, impact on family".

YANBU, the teacher is way out of line to be so rude; you are not being at all selfish! If your DD is adamant that she wants to make a career out of dancing then she probably does need to do more though. Have you sat down with her and the teacher and had an honest discussion about how realistic that plan is? If she has a real chance then could the money from her job go towards the extra classes for now?

What do your other DC think? Is the time and money taken up by your DD's dancing disproportionate or stopping them from doing things they're seriously interested in? My brother was very into a particular sport for about 5 years and would go to training 3 times a week and tournaments most weekends. I didn't begrudge him it at all (there was nothing I was that interested in and my parents made sure I was able to do things at weekends and that they spent time with me too) but I could see why they would.

Does your dd have any particular colleges in mind. Exactly what classes is she doing at the moment? Is she aiming fir a mire ballet ir mysical rheatre based college? Do you live close enough to consider a non RBS associate scheme such as Hammond & Tring run which may be cheaper. Can you perhaps negotiate a discount for the extra classes (if you attend an extra ballet class at dd's school ah the grade below the second class is free).

Many thanks everyone for all your thoughts. The number of replies telling me that two nights a week wasn't enough made me re-assess the situation.

So, we had a family discussion about it last night, and we are going to bite the bullet and go ahead with the extra classes. We've come to a financial arrangement that works all-round and sorted out a transport solution.

I would be worried about her school work suffering with all that dancing. She may plan to do it has a career but shouldn't she be preapred with a few other qualifications just in case.

And as for

More than once the teacher has told me that I should make more sacrifices for DD

Wow if anyone had the effrontery to say that to me I would be looking for a new dance teacher pdq. How dare she?

I am contacting DD's form tutor to alert her to the fact that this is going on, so that if there is the slightest hint that her schoolwork is suffering as a result, we'll pull the plug.

5foot5 I see I didn't word that bold sentence properly (I was very, very angry yesterday) - I think "strongly implied" rather than "told" would probably more accurate. The poor teacher - I think I must be the mother-from-hell as far as she is concerned, because I seem forever to be making excuses about why DD can't attend such-and-such a workshop or audition. The teacher is actually very lovely, it's just we sometimes lock horns on a number of issues. I know DD is in excellent hands.