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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doubting myself that I did the right thing..Some of this is going to be a bit graphic

56 replies

immyshades · 01/10/2012 18:16

When I was 19 I met a guy two years younger than me. I thought he was great and we started going out, first boyfriend and all that. he very quickly started to become very clingy and possessive. The usual checking my phone, not wanting me to go out with friends without him. That eventually turned into him calling me a slag for smiling at a guy in the street in passing, to a shove, to a grab, to pulling me round by my hair, to biting me so hard I bled. Then to turning on me during intimacy and telling me I was loose because I'd had so many guys in there and physically assaulting me only with his hand. Which went on to eventually fully forcing himself on me once. He's smashed my make up, hidden my clothes so I couldn't leave, threatened to stab himself with a kitchen knife if I left. He even verbally and physically assaulted two of my friends one of who by this point was dating his cousin. It was a different friend he physically assaulted grabbing her arm and bruising it after she confronted him. All of this went on for about 2 years before one day I called the police about an assault and it all came out, he was arrested but never charged.

We didn't speak again but a year on he got in touch through emails and I ended up meeting up with him again and we got back together. By now you're shaking your head asking why, but that's what I did. For a long time he didn't lay a finger on me, over a year and I got pregnant and he didn't touch me. Then at the end of the pregnancy he turned again. This time though it was different, he started going out and staying out all night, he was taking money from me supposed to be for bills and not paying them, then the hitting started again but this time worse, slapping me round the face, flinging me to the floor. I escaped while he was at work about 3 days before I gave birth and went back to my mum and dad.

Had my baby a little boy and found myself a nice little house to rent and my ex was sorry, he wanted to be a good dad. But of course he wasn't, and the violence continued, he stole my dads tools from the house. My dads car was on my drive and he accused me of having a man round and whacked me round the back of my head with the baby in my arms. I told him no contact with the baby and said if he ever came round again I'd call the police. And I stuck to it. I believe he met someone else and moved in with them in fact I believe he started seeing her while I was pregnant.

Fast forward 3 years and I've got a 3 year old little boy with no dad. I know through the rumour mill the ex is still with the other women and they're getting married. I hear she doesn't take no shit off him. He said I was spiteful to stop his contact but I felt it was in our best interests for safety and sanity.

I've considered tracking him down, giving him another chance to be a dad, I find it difficult to believe that any good would come of it though and that he'd a reformed character.

OP posts:
SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 01/10/2012 18:37

That's good to hear sammy. How did you handle all the dad questions? And did you tell your dd any of what her dad did when she was older or keep it to yourself?

I've never spoken about it to anyone. I still suffer from PTSD 20 years down the line. My daughter never asked anything about him when she was little. When she was about 12 she found pictures of him and put them up in her room, but never said anything.

When she was about 14 she asked if she could see him. I said it was up to her, but that she'd have arrange it with her paternal grandmother (who she has kept in contact with) as I wanted no part in it. She didn't bother. I think it was more that she wanted to know IF she could rather than actually wanting to.

About 3 years ago she asked me directly for the first time out of the blue whether he had ever hurt me. She said she didn't want to upset me or want details, she just wanted to know. I said yes, and that was the end of the conversation. All the pictures were taken down and the teenage angst at stepdad (you're not my dad etc) disappeared.

Tailtwister · 01/10/2012 18:38

You did the right thing in removing this man from your life. Please don't let him back in. He won't have changed and it will cause chaos for both you and your son.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2012 18:38

He sounds absolutely dreadful. I'm usually in favour of giving people a chance but not this one. Steer well clear. That would be my advice.

MsOnatopp · 01/10/2012 18:39

You did the right thing.

I know how confusing it can be, I did the same and have doubted myself a few times but you have done the right thing and you should try to be confident in that.

Proudnscary · 01/10/2012 18:41

He could have killed your son when he hit you with him in your arms.

It happens.

You did a brilliant job of protecting your son from him. Bloody well done for not allowing him anywhere near you.

Don't go back on it now.

No dad is better than an abusive dad.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 01/10/2012 18:41

I don't think you will meet a sane and healthy person in the whole world who will tell you it's a good idea to bring a violent and abusive and hateful person into your son's life.

The fact you ask this, the fact you seem to be hooked on this man, despite what he's done to you, makes me think you need long term counselling to understand why you kept him in your life and why you want to bring him back in.

FreckledLeopard · 01/10/2012 18:43

Oh, and my DD has never met her father. He wasn't abusive (just a total twat who buggered off as soon as I got pregnant), but having had nothing to do with him, I think DD is pretty sorted and hasn't missed out.

McHappyPants2012 · 01/10/2012 18:43

whacked me round the back of my head with the baby in my arms Dont you dare let this fucking low life back into yours or DS life.

But it's the old he assaulted me not the child but he did when he attacked you with the baby in your arms.

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship, that take guts xxxxxx

follyfoot · 01/10/2012 18:44

I've been there too. Last time my DD saw her Dad he was being arrested. She hasnt seen him since - for 15 years. She too has a step father she loves. If she chooses to make contact with him knowing what he did, that is her choice now she is an adult, but I doubt she will.

Until she became an adult it was my job to keep her safe and her life peaceful. That was best done by not having him in her life. Please dont do it.

In terms of what she was told, it was a factual, somewhat abridged version of what happened, although unfortunately it made the newspapers so much of it was in the public domain anyway. Through the years Ive tried to respond to her questions with age appropriate but honest answers.

PS my DD has grown up to be a happy and well rounded 19 year old, so please dont worry about that aspect with your DS.

BabylonPI · 01/10/2012 18:44

YABU. there is no doubt whatsoever that you did the right thing.

For the sake of your DS, don't go there SadAngry

lashingsofbingeinghere · 01/10/2012 18:44

I don't mean to be flippant OP, but, to quote Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...

Original poster
immyshades · 01/10/2012 18:45

Thanks for sharing that.

I've kept a photo and stuck it in his baby book but tempted at times to rip it to shreds but it's the only one I have.

My doubts are because I think I will always be the mother that stopped ds seeing his father. I know it was for very good reasons. But will ds see it like that?

OP posts:
thebody · 01/10/2012 18:48

Sammy, how brave of you to allow your dd to explore her feelings herself, you must have been dreading her making contact, but allowing her to make her own decision.

Brilliant outcome.

Op we all have said don't contact this scum bag and its not often a thread agrees in total.

Proudnscary · 01/10/2012 18:49

Take advice from others who have been in your situation (I haven't) but I'd be inclined to tell him his daddy wasn't a kind daddy and expand on it age appropriately as he gets older.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 01/10/2012 18:51

No he won't. He'll grow up loving you for being there for him, for protecting him and for putting him first. It won't be easy. Bringing up a child is the hardest job in the world. Doing it on your own is unimaginable hard. But you have saved your son from a life time of destruction and pain. Growing up without a dad does have an effect but it's nothing compared to the effect of having one around who is an abusive bastard.

As for the photo, put it away somewhere safe. There may come a time when he does ask and you can give it to him. Until then, put it away, out of your sight so you don't have to see it. That's what I did (until she rummaged in the loft and found them).

Original poster
immyshades · 01/10/2012 18:52

To the person who said I need counselling, I do want some but it's finding the time. I work full time now, and also worried if I start asking for counselling my capabilities as a parent might come into question when we are actually plodding along really nicely.

OP posts:
StrangeGlue · 01/10/2012 18:52

No no no. You have made an excellent decision do you want that awful thug anyway near your ds let alone being a role model? If he gave a shit he would have done more to get contact than slag you off to people and people will know that and will think he's a tosser.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 01/10/2012 18:54

thebody Thank you. I think my heart stopped when she asked though.

OTheHugeManatee · 01/10/2012 18:56

Witnessing domestic violence as a child is a major factor in people then going on to become abused or abusers themselves. I presume you wouldn't wish that on your own child. Therefore you are doing the right thing getting out and staying away. Don't be tempted to cave in, OP.

Original poster
immyshades · 01/10/2012 19:01

OThe would you believe my exes stepdad used to hit his mum, and my dad was quite verbally abusive to everyone in the house.

Funny that isn't it?

Don't worry I don't think I would have ever seriously done anything, just some words still ring in my head, the phonecalls and visits I got soon afterwards from him telling me ds would grow up to hate me for depriving him of his dad. I made a decision that everytime he came near I'd just call the police, it worked.

OP posts:
follyfoot · 01/10/2012 19:06

Keep the photo in an album for your DS. My DD has an album and she has looked at it a number of times over the years. Its been a good prompt for very honest discussions on how she feels about things. Its important that children who have been through this never feel that the topic is off limits or that they cant express curiosity and interest in the absent parent. My DD and I have discussed her emailing her Dad, but so far she has decided not to.

RightBuggerforGOLD · 01/10/2012 19:58

Seriously, you're thinking about contacting him AGAIN? What's it going to take? No. Just no.

MeconiumHappens · 01/10/2012 22:04

dont go near him, he'll only end up hurting your son.

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 01/10/2012 22:15

Unless he has worked on himself he will not have changed and many people like him can justify their actions so why would he feel the need to change

Please keep yourself and your baby safe and do not get in contact concentrate on your lives without him being part of it. Sounds like you have been doing well

And another point an abusive parent can not be a good parent too, they may not be abusive towards their children but to cause so much harm and stress to their partner/ex partner creates upst and stress for the children no mattere know well hidden it is

Lilithmoon · 01/10/2012 22:16

Well done for getting away. Now you have done it, stay away for ever.