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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call it quits and walk away now?

18 replies

auburntrees · 30/09/2012 01:27

Dp and I moved with ds to new area, 4hrs away from my family and friends 2.5 yrs ago. We separated almost two yrs ago and ds and I moved to own place, close to where dp lives, within walking distance. Dp came round every night for bedtime and spent all weekends together...we were working towards reconciling..until new girl (17) started at his works, and they had a fling, no sex involved (allegedly) although she stayed at his place a few times. Back and forth between her and I, eventually chose me. Still works with her. One yr on, he's getting distant, they had works night out last night, which I was told could not go to as 'no-one takes partners', 'it would be awkward' etc. So he arrives at mine today much earlier than usual, ho hum. Do the usual,mundane shopping etc., This evening after a drink discloses that she, having been sick through drinking things she couldn't handle, because was bought from a 'kitty' and then carried on drinking, might well be his ideal woman. I ask why he is still here then, he replies 'dunno', ask if he is happy, says yes, but maybe he could be happier, he doesn't know. Ask if he is saying these things so I will finish it, he says maybe...just discovered he has me on limited profile on fb (suddenly, he doesn't think I would know)and am breaking my heart as unsure what to do now. Feel like walking away for gd, I have an ok life here, ds is v settled, but feels like he wants me to do this to absolve him of any guilt. Maybe am being paranoid, but he said ' you know what they say about things people say when they are drunk, they speak the truth'. Am in bits, was so ill last time, barely held it together and my ds missed his daddy so. Ways? Any advice please, major alarm bells ringing

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2012 01:34

I would take the decision for him and tell him to get stuffed.

He sounds like he thinks he's doing you a favour coming round, but it's all on his terms.

Have you been together for this last year then? While he's been chopping and changing deciding what's best for him?

How will you not being together affect your DS do you think?

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2012 01:35

It's easy for me to say I'd tell him to fuck off though, it's obvious from your post you're upset about it.

SoleSource · 30/09/2012 01:35

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Make the decision for him. Cut him off without a warning. Muster inner strentgh. Done it myself. He is being sly and sneaky and may be cheating. Use us for support. You got RL support too?
Coward he is x

Longdistance · 30/09/2012 01:42

I say call it quits. If you're reconciling with someone, you don't go off with someone else.
He's got you hanging, just where he wants you. Take the decision yourself and dump him!

Cheddars · 30/09/2012 01:42

Yanbu at all. If my DP told me I wasn't up to scratch he'd be out the door so quick his arse would burn!

Original poster

auburntrees · 30/09/2012 01:44

Been together this past year, things been great, talk more, more honesty, more intimacy, although we still live apart. Am devastated tbh,for DS, who didn't understand so much last year but will now. i know in my gut something is not right but cannot bring myself to do this. Have only his family here, and one good friend I have made. My family 200 miles away and don't want them worrying about me as this was a major drama last year. He is younger than me, I am old enough to be her mother and he is having some kind of crisis about not having done 'enough' with his life and that I have stopped him doing so.

OP posts:

Dryjuice25 · 30/09/2012 01:54

I can't imagine just how massive his ego is right now. Please dump this selfish git op

SoleSource · 30/09/2012 01:55

Sorry autumn. He wants out. It is nothing, NOTHING to be ashamed of on your part. X

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2012 01:59

Try not to base your decision on what happened last year thinking you've used up all your worry tokens with your family, I'm sure they've got more than enough support to keep you going if you want to start again closer to them.

Something not turning out as you thought it would happens all the time, he's made the mistake pissing you about.

Leave them to get on with his crisis, you've got better things you can be getting on with

Narked · 30/09/2012 01:59

He's getting everything. He has you and your DS in one house, ready for when he feels like playing at being a family, and his own place to enjoy his freedom and 17 year olds

Focus on you and your DS. And don't let him use you on his terms.

Narked · 30/09/2012 02:05

I'd imagine that as far as everyone at his work are concerned you never reconciled.

When you can, take your DS and visit your family. Tell them. They love you - there's no limit on that. You need some support.

Narked · 30/09/2012 02:08

And no-one with any sense would think ill of you for having tried to make it work with your DS's father. That's what adults do when there are DC involved. There's no shame in that. Unfortunately, you can't make it work if he doesn't want it too.

imperialstateknickers · 30/09/2012 02:13

You've done more than anyone could reasonably expect to make it easy for him to have a relationship with his son, but he really is taking the piss now.

On one level I feel sorry for him because he does seem to have made some effort, but he can't have you to play happy families with and 17 year olds to chase too.

Don't feel bad about asking for help from your family.

ChasedByBees · 30/09/2012 02:29

You poor thing, it sounds like he's being a coward and hoping you'll end it. I'd go home. Your son can still have a relationship with him without you being left dangling. This might be better in relationships, the women there can offer great advice in how to progress.

Thumbwitch · 30/09/2012 02:43

Dump him. He can still see your DS but FFS, he's got the life of Riley, separate homes so he can see/do what he likes when he likes but when nothing better offers, he's still got you hanging in there on the back burner.

Don't give him the choice any more! You are off-limits to him except as a co-parent.

Do you get on well with his family? Are they supportive of you and your DS or are they all about him? Would you stay in the new(ish) place or go back to your own family? For your DS's sake, staying where you are would be easier for him - but you have to do what's right for both of you.

Sorry you're feeling bad about it but your DP has been able to have his cake and eat it for far too long, IMO. Wake him up with a short sharp ultimatum.

Leena49 · 30/09/2012 06:15

Hasn't had sex! why are you being so naive? I don't think he is telling you the truth. Kick him out he is having an affair.

ToothbrushThief · 30/09/2012 06:20

End your relationship with him. DC do cope and are better off than inside a relationship which is warped.
You will cope - once you get over the first few months and accept you deserve better you'll realise that your life is better without him.

YOU do need to make that break though. He's a dangler - will give you little snippets here and there to make you think it might work again. You won't be happy or emotionally free until you make that cut and get him out of your life. You do it. Don't wait on him

JeezyOrangePips · 30/09/2012 07:11

Did he decide she might be his ideal woman because she was sick with drinking? He sounds incredibly shallow, indecisive and wants the best of both worlds.

You really don't need your ds growing up seeing that as an acceptable way to treat a woman.

And you don't need to go through life never knowing what he's up to or who he's with. Even if he breaks it off with this ideal drinking buddy, there will be other opportunities. Do you honestly think he would say no if another woman showed interest?

There comes a point where you have to decide what you want, rather than hanging on for him to decide what he wants. Do you want to keep taking second place or would you prefer to start carving out your own life without the emotional turbulence?

I have a friend who has been married for a long time. My opinion is probably strongly coloured as a result of her relationship. He has cheated on her from early on, and had told her that is just who he is, and she needs to deal with it or go. She has stayed but she is deeply unhappy - but she wants it to work for their child's sake and she loves him. I can't imagine putting up with that behaviour for teens of years, but she has. Would you be happy to stay?

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