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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie about planning to try for another baby?

26 replies

LonelyCloud · 28/09/2012 23:21

I've recently started back at work after having my first baby.

A couple of colleagues have asked me if I want to have another one.

I told them that DH & I had no plans for another baby and that we're happy with DS.

This is a big lie (apart from the bit about being happy with DS, we're very happy to have him). DH & I both want another baby. We've stopped using contraception, although at the minute we're being fairly relaxed about it and not making a special effort to have sex on fertile days, as DS is still only just over a year old.

I don't want to tell my colleagues that we're TTC (however casually) in case it counts against me at work - say because my boss might put me last in the line for the good bits of work. And also because it's none of their business, and TTC doesn't guarantee that it'll actually happen.

But - I'm feeling guilty about lying to them. AIBU to lie to them about this?

I should mention here that I work for a large company, that has a fairly relaxed attitude towards hiring and firing contractors in my department, so it's not like they'd be hugely inconvenienced if I did go on maternity leave again.

OP posts:
mysonsasaint · 28/09/2012 23:22

YANBU, they shouldn't really be asking anyway.

nokidshere · 28/09/2012 23:23

First of all its none of their business.

Secondly you might not get pregnant

Thirdly why would you even discuss your sex life with your colleagues?

WorraLiberty · 28/09/2012 23:23

YANBU

It's bugger all to do with them.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/09/2012 23:25

YANBU.

RobynRidingHood · 28/09/2012 23:26

No body elses business is it?

Unless these people are particularly close friends that you confide in but I never understand why people have to discus their private lives, life plans etc etc with others.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 28/09/2012 23:26

NOTB - i.e.none of their business! So long as you tell your boss when you ARE expecting -in plenty of time b4 mat leave (so they can plan for maternity cover) keep any lovely news for when YOU want to tell them. Good luck!

SomersetONeil · 28/09/2012 23:28

God, I'm really sorry - but what a bizarre thread.

Your sex life and procreation plans are no-one's business but your own. Is this not a well-known fact?

StellaNova · 28/09/2012 23:28

YANBU. I did the same, to the extent of going "Another baby? With number one sleeping like he does? Are you mad?!" right up until I had to say "er, actually I'm pregnant. Yes it was planned. Thank you, thanks, yes, very pleased."

Original poster
LonelyCloud · 28/09/2012 23:31

There's some very nosy, and very direct, people in my office.

(And nokidshere, some of them are quite happy to loudly discuss their sex lives in the middle of our open plan office. I usually put my iPod headphones in and pretend I can't hear them)

OP posts:
StetsonsAreCool · 28/09/2012 23:32

I've recently started a new job, and when my new colleagues discovered I have a 2yo, they (for a while) kept asking if I wanted to have any more.

My answer was along the lines of "It's something we've thought about for the future, but the future's quite big isn't it? DD is plenty for us for now". Or "Are you kidding me? I've got a two year old and a full time job, I've barely got time to breathe!"

While counting down the days until we start trying again (after Christmas btw, hooray!)

StetsonsAreCool · 28/09/2012 23:33

Ha, Stella, that's exactly what I'll probably end up doing Grin

JollyToddler · 28/09/2012 23:37

About 6 people have asked me this recently. I.reply with "god No, I have a toddler to look after, do you really think I have time for sex?"

maresedotes · 28/09/2012 23:39

Agree it's nobody's business and I think people just ask this question once you've had a baby without really expecting an answer.

StellaNova · 28/09/2012 23:39

Of course I say the same thing now DS2 is 2 and a half, and this time it is true, but probably no-one believes me now. Like Peter and the Wolf.

MyLastDuchess · 29/09/2012 01:18

I lied to everyone about this, including my friends. It's none of their damn business, and if trying to conceive hadn't gone well I wouldn't have wanted to deal with the constant questions and/or sympathetic looks and/or gossip.

Some of them saw fit to lecture me on why it's not fair on DS to 'make' him be an only child Hmm I really wanted to say, hey, I'm 39, getting pregnant doesn't happen overnight!

It's nobody else's damn business and they shouldn't even ask.

FrickinAnnoyed · 29/09/2012 01:23

They aren't asking about your sex life, are they. They're asking if you want to expand your family. Bit of a difference.

LeFreak · 29/09/2012 01:42

Oh god this really annoys me.

My colleague asked me the exact question today. We have been TTC number 2 for 4 years but didn't want to tell her this. I didn't want to say we DIDN'T want another because we may still have one (having IVF treatment as we speak) but also didn't want to say we definitely ARE going to have one (because IVF may fail). And I didn't want to say NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS cos she's my mate. So I said "oh I don't know maybe if I could guarentee it would be a boy" (NOT MY TRUE FEELINGS: I said this to deflect the question).

But apparently this comment made a colleague really upset (I think she lost a baby early on last year) Confused

So yeah basically by trying to deflect the question I upset someone else.

You CANNAE WIN

CecilyP · 29/09/2012 13:00

It is probably the right answer, regardless of whether you want another baby or not, because that stops any further questioning. If you give them an idea you might be thinking of having another, that opens the door for it being a continuous topic of conversation until you do, in fact, become pregnant again.

So, YANBU and you have no need to feel guilty.

NameChangeGalore · 29/09/2012 13:25

Why is this anyone's business? You're not lying, you're keeping your private life, private. Can't believe people ask questions like this.

GoldenPeppermintCreams · 29/09/2012 14:18

Yes, I've had this since I came back from maternity leave 3 years ago. I do work in a very baby orientated work place though, so although I do think it's rude I just bite my tongue.

I just deflect the question with things like, oooh OH likes big age gaps because there's 4 years between him and his brother, or maybe when DS starts school, or "it's under discussion".

YANBU.

TidyGOLDDancer · 29/09/2012 16:32

Asking in general about the possibility of more children doesn't bother me at all, but YANBU to lie given the circumstances.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 29/09/2012 16:36

YANBU. I think people should have more tact than to ask this question

LilyCocoplatt · 29/09/2012 16:37

YANBU I would keep it quiet if I was you, when I was on maternity leave at the same time as another colleague and it was known that she had completed her family whereas I would probably go on to have more, guess which one kept their job and which was forced out the door when staffing cuts came round?

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 29/09/2012 18:02

YANBU. My stock answer is "Not for now. Maybe we'll think about it when DC1/2/3/4/5... starts school." Even when already pregnant!

Lastofthepodpeople · 29/09/2012 18:53

I get this constantly too. DS is now 2. I tell them I'd love another one but just can't afford it. We're TTC but I'm certainly not sharing that.

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