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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone Have Experience of Being Stalked?

43 replies

geegee888 · 27/09/2012 23:42

I think I have a stalker. Hes pretty mild, as stalker go, but its not normal behaviour. Hes on the peripherary of our group of friends, and no-one believes me when I try to describe his odd behaviour - they all excuse it away.

For instance, he will notice my "patterns" and turn up at places at the times I am guaranteed to be there, quite often ignoring me. Or he will just stand and stare at me for ages. He even came on a group holiday with us in March and he has kept the fact he has a girlfriend secret. If he doesn't get much attention off me, he will literally stomp about in front of me, back and forth and then stomp off, with his face all red. His latest antics seem to stem from seeing me with my husband at one of the "places" he turns up.

He is very good looking and also very cunning. He isn't violent, its just upsetting as I made the mistake of thinking we were friends.

OP posts:
geegee888 · 28/09/2012 10:59

I've only recently realised what hes like KillerRack. Previously I excused his oddness as being due to shyness. I would strongly suspect his girlfriend doesn't know, since he is very secretive and rather a practiced liar. Again, I've only recently realised this. I hadn't thought about him in too much detail until this.

And yes, he did actually turn to his heels and run away when DH spoke to him - DH started "I want to talk to you about..." and he said "Ive got to go, I'm in a hurry" and ran off. Short of DH running after him and pinning him down, it was rather hard to deal with!

OP posts:
KillerRack · 28/09/2012 11:05

lol was this during a stalking episode??,

did he try and pick him up on the conversation after the running incident?.

Do you know her? maybe its worth your DH or another friend having a word, it may seem flammatory coming from you although I think she need to know.

Why do you think he's become worse after seeing DH? did he say anything?

sorryBlushI'm just curious.

GoldenHandshake · 28/09/2012 11:05

Op you poor thing, I know just how upsetting it can be, it has happened to me twice.

First started at secondary school, there was a boy I knew and we'd been to primary school together, we were never particularly close, but he was always on the edge of a group I hung out with.

In the last two years of secondary school, he asked me out a few times, I'd said no but he carried on trying to ingratiate himself with me, would turn up at places I went with friends etc.

One day near the end of school, he was waiting at the school gates and said he'd walk me home, I brushed him off but he basically tailed me the whole way home, I began to feel quite afraid and a few times turned around and told him to go away etc. He followed me up the stairs in my building and tried to sexually assault me. I got free but was left very shaken. Stupidly I never reported it or told my parents, just avoided him as much as possible from there on out. He actually tried to add my on FB when I joined it but I blocked him.

The second was when I was alost 18 and at college, I worked part time in a supermarket on the checkout. One day a letter and a bunch of flowers were ledt at customer services with my name on. I hadn't a clue who theyr were from but the letter was full of poetry and declarations of love etc. I thought it was a joke to be honest. Then gifts for me kept being left there, still had no clue who from.
One day at work a customer came along who was buying champagne, a jar of caviar, chocolates, scented candles etc I finished scannign it all and the man who paid told me it was all for me and he was taking me out on a date that night and what tiem should he pick me up. I was horrified, he was old enough to be my Dad, was leering at me over the till and I was in complete shock. I caught my supervisors attention who realised I was in distress and was whisked off to the staff room on the pretense I was ill.

He came into the supermarket every single day afterwards, and paced up and down the checkouts lookign for me, if he saw me he'd approach and try to convince me we were destined to be together etc. He had to be abnned from the store, then began waiting at the bus stop outside waiting for me. My Dad had to start pickign me up and we had to call the police to warn him off.

It was terrifyign and I have every symapthy for you OP, please do not let this man intimidate or frighten you, confide in a trusted friend and either get someone to call him out over his behaviour in front of your group (shaming him?) or involve the police if you feel afraid.

BettyandDon · 28/09/2012 11:21

I had an ex who called me constantly/leaving messages etc to the extent that I had to change my mobile and landline number. He also managed to 'find' me at a new place of work. It lasted about 5 months. It stopped when I received an email at this workplace and I replied straight away and said 'I don't want anything to do with you. If you don't stop trying to contact me I am reporting you to the police'.

At the time, I thought he was a nuisance/sad idiot, but I then looked online at some information about stalkers and found he fit the profile exactly and actually a lot of what he had been doing was classed as harassment etc. It was around the time that poor woman was shot in London by her ex in Harvey Nics and this really made me pay attention.

I was also stalked at school by a boy about 4 years older than me. He was very good looking - same as yours! He would wait for me after each lesson/lunchtime/end of school and walk with me to my next class, trying to have a conversation etc. It really bothered me and went on for about 6 months. Eventually he got bored and moved on to a friend of mine!

I would seriously avoid this man as much as you can and if he is appearing where you are, I would get your DH to have a word and I would mention the police to him. Keep a track of his behaviour too - dates, times, actions.

geegee888 · 28/09/2012 11:27

Goldenhandshake both those incidents sound terrifying.

KillerRack yes he tried to speak to him during a stalking episode. He hasn't seen him since - DH works out of the country a lot currently.

He has definately kicked off after seeing me and DH together. I don't know why. It was like you could almost see the annoyance coming out of his pores, that his little stalking episode had been spoilt. Maybe he had other plans for that day, I don't know. I don't want to think about it too much.

Since then, he's turned up more and he posts messages on an internet site I used to be very active on, asking who is going to be where etc, but absolutely constantly. Thats all really. Its not that bad compared to some of the stories on here.

I've tried to speak to a mutual friend about it, and he told me I was being over-imaginative. Female friends have said just to ignore him, and he will get fed up.

I don't know his girlfriend. None of our mutual friends have even seen her. He definatley has somewhere he disappears off to every second weekend though, as I know I'm safe doing things every second weekend without bumping into him.

OP posts:
geegee888 · 28/09/2012 11:30

BettyandDon yes its as if when the man in question is very good looking, its harder for people to believe anything negative about him. I guess I found his attentions even quite flattering at first, but I'm beginning to realise its not particularly healthy.

OP posts:
Catinthebox · 28/09/2012 11:33

I was stalked for about ten years. Again very mild stuff- witheld number phone calls, he would find out from a friend where I went and drive round the area etc.

I too put it down to shyness and tried very hard to get it into something 'normal' because I did actually fancy him. It never became normal and caused a lot of distress over the years, because there is no reasoning with it, no resolution- it just goes on and on. I don't even know that has stopped now- he has moved away, but was back a few months ago, doing the same sort of stuff.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 28/09/2012 11:36

My abusive XH stalked me for about 8 months after we split. I had to change my phone numbers, so he'd call me at work instead, up to 20 or so times a day. He'd turn up where I was, and I started seeing him everywhere even when he wasn't there. I was in a terrible state.

It only stopped when he threatened my Dad and I got the police involved. They went round his parent's house, where he was living, and gave him a formal warning for harrassment. It took me a long time to get over it and stop looking over my shoulder. It was over 10 years ago and remembering that period gives me the heebie jeebies.

limitedperiodonly · 28/09/2012 11:55

Definitely tell the police. They are mostly brilliant. There's always the possibility you'll speak to someone useless but if that happens just ask to see someone else.

People on this thread have been great too but it's amazing how many people think like your friends and that you're exaggerating or should feel sorry for the poor, awkward chap. Stalkers know exactly what they're doing.

EldritchCleavage · 28/09/2012 12:08

Its not that bad compared to some of the stories on here

Maybe not, but please be vigilant. And the 'Just ignore it' advice can be a bit naive. I actually agree to ignore it when he is staring at you, and I would stop being even normally courteous to him-no greetings, goodbyes, etc. You need to maintain very clear boundaries, and if not before, report him the moment he pops up near your home.

I was stalked during my year abroad at Uni, and got little support from other women, interestingly enough. My two best male friends were great, once the stalking became obvious. Not socialised to be kind and accepting of men (Aw, he's quite sweet, he just likes you, etc), they saw him for the obsessive, objectifying weirdo he was and warned him off. He still turned up at my home in the UK two years later though. I never worked out how he got my address, but I wrote to his to say I would get the police on him if he ever did it again (he didn't).

A useful book is 'Surviving a Stalker-Everything You Need to Know to Keep Yourself Safe' by Linden Gross with a foreword by Gavin de Becker. it's American, so the legal stuff isn't relevant, but the general strategy stuff is. Try also www.stalkinghelpline.org (the National Stalking Helpline website) which is very good.

SuperB0F · 28/09/2012 12:17

I didn't find Gavin de Becker very helpful on stalking, tbh. Doesn't he say that it escalates things to involve the police, and you should basically just move? I might be misremembering it, but does anyone know what his practical advice actually was?

anice · 28/09/2012 12:37

I had a stalker at university for several months. He had really short legs and a long body (he was quite ugly). I think I'd seen him around because I vaguely recognised him but I don't think I'd ever met him, IYSWIM?
He used to sit staring at me in the library. At first i tried to ignore it. Then after a few weeks, I tried looking back and giving him a quizzical look. Then I tried sitting on another floor, in a secluded corner. but he always found me and would sit down as close as possible to me and just stare.
After a while his stares became hostile. It was like he hated me. I must have really offended him, but I racked my brains and I could never work out what i could have done??
Then one day, my BF came in and glared back at him.
That put him off for a while but then he started it again. Then he started following me around on the campus and I was getting really scared.
One night he followed me across a deserted car park. There was no one else around and I thought I was in big trouble. The gate at the end was locked and I was trapped. But he didn't touch me, or even speak.
And after that he left me alone, except I saw him one last time at the graduation ceremony and he stood to the side glaring at me again.

That was 20 years ago and I still can't figure out what was going on.

flippinada · 28/09/2012 12:50

Yes, twice. Both times it was thankfully resolved without much drama but was very unsettling so I really sympathise with any fellow victims.

The first time was an ex - the relationship was very brief anyway as he a needy pita. He used to phone me about 4-5 times a day and if I didn't answer the phone text constantly and with increasing hysteria to see why I hadn't responded. He also used to ring me if I went to the loo and took too long. Anyway, I realised swiftly this was a no-goer and we split up. He then proceeded to stalk me over the internet, following me to a message board I used to post on and make creepy posts. Fortunately he stopped when I threatened him with the police.

The other occasion, I had met someone for a coffee, I liked but didn't fancy him and said so. He proceeded to send me a series of messages which escalated in weirdness, culminating in him texting me in the middle of the night to demand we meet up NOW. Thankfully the police threat worked again.

arthurfowlersallotment · 28/09/2012 13:00

OP I think your friends are very unsupportive. Sad

I've had a few obsessive men over the years. I think i attract them..

One in my class at university chose me to pour his heart out to about his MH problems. I didn't invite or encourage him to disclose. He then assumed because he'd chosen to tell me everything, I owed him some kind of friendship. He found out (somehow) my mobile and landline numbers an would ring both alternately for hours. He also phoned me at work every day and would show up at my office regularly, inviting me out for chicken nuggets. Confused

He stopped when I started seeing a very big bloke who warned him off. Essentially he was a big coward.

However he emailed me (don't know how he got my email as I changed it last year) saying he heard I moved to London and how was everything going. I did not respond. He's just really creepy.

GiveMeStrength2day · 28/09/2012 13:06

You are clearly concerned about this and it does sound to me like you have good reason. In this instance, I think it wouldn't do any harm to have a chat with someone at your local police station to get their advice

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 28/09/2012 13:26

I agree with having a chat with the police. It's horrible being stalked, and this guy needs to back off.

KillerRack · 28/09/2012 14:28

God your mates don't seem too helpful.

Could you ask them to tell him stop it and tell them how serious it is getting perhaps get your DH to tell them , they may believe it more??.

brass · 28/09/2012 14:48

I had one at work, he was much older than me. We started out as friends, he was attractive, bit of flirting. But I quickly realised it would never go anywhere because I just couldn't find the right feelings for him and tried to divert away but this made him more tenacious.

In the weeks he'd built up knowledge about my life and then preceded to turn up at my friend's house, park up outside my parents for hours in the car etc. The creepiest by far though was he'd come into my office area (his was another room down the corridor) and just sit STARING at me. Someone might be talking to him but he literally would turn his body to wherever I was in the room and stare. Unhinged.

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