well i know i am but i want the guy next to me to just GO AWAY

[InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers]

I'm on a train. This is my seat. He does not have an allocated seat and chose to sit next to me. There are plenty of other seats with just one person in them - aibu to think we should all have to have a 'turn' next to him? I want to stretch my legs out. I want to put the work report I'm pretending to read on his seat. I want to feel mildly hungover without an audience. I want to eat 3 chocolate Freddos without thinking he's wondering why I am such a greedy child.
So I need your help - how to scare him off? Do you think he'd enjoy the long, detailed story of aunt Ethel and her friend's neighbour's daughter's bunions?

Do a massive fart

Start coughing and sPluttering then after a few minutes make a 'phone call' complaining about how awful your feeling/hope it's not flu/contagious etc. should soon clear the carriage get rid of him!

Ooh he's gathering his stuff. Do you think he's an mner?

Please - don't get into a bunion conversation with him. he might have stories of his Great Aunt Ermintrude and think you're a kindred spirit!

Apologise in advance for your windy tummy - you are just getting over food poisoning and your emissions are a bit potent.

It'll help to excuse the hungover look too...

Ooh they're good ideas. Second one more acceptable than thr first. But he has gone, believe it or not. I am Sooo relaxed ( until the next person gets on)

He fancies you.

Jeezy I had been sat next to him for an hour. I wouldn't know how to then apologise for my windy tummy! Also, he'd probably be too British to then move, worried about offending me :o

Adopt a perfectly ordinary speaking voice and say quietly "no, you tell him"
Then reply "I told the last one and look how that turned out"
Then "Yes well, the stains came out eventually and nobody noticed"
Then "Courgettes and artichokes and chainsaws and feces"
Then sort of titter or chortle and roll your eyes.
If that doesn't work, put your hand on his knee, and look deeply into his eyes before saying "He could be the one" and twitching a bit.

Well if he did, oneofthosedays' advice has just put paid to that

Speaking as a hardened commuter I recommend the hacking cough coupled with intermittent mild gagging, or the REALLY FUCKING LOUD PHONE CONVERSATION consisting of very few words but lots of "mmmm.....yeah.....really?.....ooh no.....say that again....she didnt...." rinse and repeat, he'll be gone in 5 mins

Oh, and serves you right for drinking all that wine....

Wanna know the worst bit? I drank yours when you'd gone. It seemed like a good idea at the time...yes I am a skanky drunk

Pombear

Well he has gone. I am stretched out and relaxed. A guy in a flowery shirt lingered as he walked past but I picked my nose and flicked it at him and he carried on. All clear till the next station.

Ahhhhh I am next to the bin, so THAT's why people keep slowing down as they pass. I thought it was my beauty.

Someone did this to me once, and began muttering to himself too, as if to try and scare me. I ate a packet of crisps, scrunched up the empty bag and noisily scrunched it just below the height of his ear. He soon moved, muttering about "loonies".

would hate to think it had gone to waste

I had a bloke sit next to me on an otherwise empty bus (hour and half journey ahead of us) and try to engage me in conversation - I tried monosyllabic replies and offputting grunts and he did the whole "cheer up love, it might never happen" type of spiel. Eventually I just told him I would like him to move as I didn't want to talk to him, and he went (huffing and muttering). I still feel quite proud of myself for being assertive (he was creepy, and the sort of bloke who exploits social norms about not being rude to people to invade women's personal space).

Good for you! Dont think mine was one of them, he was just a train passenger who wanted a seat and had the nerve to sit next to me

Oh CHEERS Pom
Cheers v much

Was holding a sleeping DS and your courgettes and faeces post made me laugh and wake him up.

Nice one yeah

No fuckwittery, he wasn't. Which is why this is a lighthearted "i know I am being unreasonable but..." thread

I love the 'courgettes and artichokes' bit, I can imagine Julie Andrews singing it to the tune of 'My favourite things'.