AIBU to think DS special school should of done more?

[devientenigma]

DS has been in special school since nearly 3 year old. The older and stronger he has got the harder it's been to get him there. There is only one special school in the borough that cater for severe learning disability so no choice. He has now been out of school for nearly 3 year and it's me who's doing all the leg work, all the how to's etc There is areas in which school could be helping and there are areas where they have frankly let him down.

AIBU to think they should and could of done more as well as feeling how much I hate that school?

imo residential schools are not a quick fix.
a family should be supported to stay together, sending a child of 11 ro a residential school will remove him from all his security and the people he knows and trusts.

Devient I think school contributed to a lot of the initial problems, and it's not the right aplce for him; I think his main issues are related to ASD and PDA and that only a placement specialising in those could help him.

You can;t be left 24 / 7 with a violent child, shut in- it's not fair on you, your husband or wider family. if YOU could choose what could be done, what would you ask for?

Devient why are you posting this in AIBU??

This isn't the place for a post about a very complex situation, where people with no understanding of your life will say 'your job to get him to school'

Why would you make your life harder by starting a post like this, unless it is just releasing your frustration?

You've said it before - 4 people couldn't support his morning routine enough. So what can this school do?

I honestly, honestly, think that you should be looking at a placement with a waking day curriculum. I know you hate the thought of it, but wouldn't you rather be able to have a DS who is settled in a routine, and then you can be a parent again, instead of a punching bag?

I worry that you will look back on this part of his life, and regret that you spent it fighting for something that was never going to happen. At least if you try a residential setting, then if it doesn't work, you can pull out.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you should as MNHQ to move this thread to special needs. Especially as you may well be some well intentioned, but completely igorant replies.

WelshMaenad, this not a bog standard 11 year old playing truant. It is hard to manage a child with severe special needs who cannot be reasoned with.

threeorangesocksmorganisagirl You are being naive. Residential schools are not prisons where children are abannoned to. They are part of a care package, where young people can learn life skills and become as independent as possible.

devientenigma are you getting respite? Have you got any support from social services. I think you should push for weekly residential or prehaps shared foster care. As your son gets stronger it will become tougher.

I also think he needs a 24 hour curriculum, sorry.

I haven't really followed your story over the last year or so, but I think this is beyond the school's remit really. The LEA and SS yes - it is their problem, but not one individual school. I know here transport and school are treated differently, they obviously work together, but getting a child to school safely comes under transport, school starts at the school gates.

If transitioning is this difficult for him (and I sympathise, I have been thorough phases of having to shove teenage ds1 through the door at respite -actually usually I got two male staff to march him through the door - and again at home, I know it's not easy) then I really do think you are going to have to consider a resi placement. They'll be able to work on his this there, and hopefully expand his world a little.

He does sound as if his needs are higher and more complex than those that can be easily met by a local daily special school placement.

The other suggestion I would make if you can't bear the thought of resi is to ask whether your LA offers wrap around care. Ours has started providing that recently for children with very complex needs who would previously have had to go to a resi placement. With wrap around care they are able to remain at home part of the week, and get the intensive support they need (and the LA loves it because it's cheaper than full resi).

I'm so sorry things sound so difficult for you.

What do you want the school to do? If 4 adults can't get him there what else can be done? Are there any alternatives that haven't been explored?

It really sounds like a residential placement is the only alternative, but as you would probably guess I'm no expert.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you and your boy X

please do not call me naive I have a lot of experience in sn and do know what I am talking about. residential schools are not an easy fix

I don't think anyone has suggested they are an easy fix, what people have said is that it could be an option that would help the OP from the limited information provided on this thread. Sometimes the least appealing/toughest option is going to be the one that provides the best outcomes for the young person in the long term

Residential certainly wouldn't help here most are monday -friday anyway which would leave the op with the huge repercussions at weekends. Plus where in gods name would you find such a school? if the school had handled things better in the beginning it would never have got to this, the op is a virtual prisoner in her own home now.

there is also the fact that you would be removing the lad from his one safe place

That to threeoranges its much more complex than people realise.

welsh actually if a child is statemented or in a special needs school then its the LA's responsability they have a legal requirement to assist with transportation.

op, have you looked at schools in neighbouring counties or none state provision?

The LEA, yes. The school itself, no.

the school my dc's attends covers the specialist requirements your dc has and takes children from scotland and wales on a weekly residential basis some children there are parent funded but LA's do also fund placements.they also have extensive home-school relations going as far as sending staff home and working with parents for support ect.

its part of a small network of inderpendant schools who do the same type of work.

well if one of my dc's refused to attend a menber of staff would turn up at my house and dc would be taken to school its part of the support package in place at many specialist provisions

I feel for you devientenigma, your DS has very very complex needs indeed and I can imagine you being physically and emotionally exhausted with having little or no respite at all from meeting his daily needs ( you dont say what family / care at home package you have.) never mind trying to plan for the future.

I agree with others that in reality the local school itself cannot do anything about physically getting your son to school ..... and by the sounds of it there has been a fair bit of support via other agencies to try and enable this to happen with the provision of adults / transport in the morning to support you. As others have said if he is so unwilling to go they cannot physically force him into the bus.

It is a shame he feels afraid. ...and it may be something very "simple" or it may be something serious but whatever it is it is serious to him .....and may or mot be able to be remedied for him.

While it is wonderful to think that every person can be supported to stay with their family sometimes it can actually prevent a complete breakdown (individuals physically / mentally and / or of the family relationships) if the YP moves into specialised residential setting. Its not a perfect solution but life is not perfect, we all just do the best we can to make it as good as it can get.

I have often seen both the children and the family flourish when this has happened in my professional life as well as my personal life. Some parents and siblings have been able to live in less fear of injury, be able to sleep at night and begin to make a better relationship with the child with the complex needs. My friend no longer gets used as punchbag if she does not give her son exactly what he wants when he wants it ( whether thats day or night) and he is developing a life with people his own age (and where DM and siblings can visit).

There are not that many residential schools and they often take children in from very, very wide catchement areas.

So what would you like to happen in an ideal world ? I think only then can you really fight for whatever you need to have to make it happen.

Take care of yourself.

I have read some of your other posts and know you don't want residential but having tried all the other options offered, you are currently stuck. it may well be that school let you down early on by not doing enough to stop your ds becoming entrenched in his anxiety about school. However dealing with the situation now you may need to consider whether residential could help you break this cycle. It will obviously be traumatic for your ds and for you. I have struggled to let my own ds go to respite as I feel guilty for causing him upset and anxiety. however I also keep my eye on the long term. I won't be around forever and I would hate his first experience of being away from home to be unplanned and chosen by social care rather than by his family who love him. Have you looked at some independent residential provision? maybe start off by seeing what's out there?

I'm really sorry to hear you've been having these difficulties for such a long time now. In my opinion, this is an issue which goes beyond the school now. Does your son have an allocated social worker? I think that what needs to he done now is to contact the Children with Disabilities Team in your social care department, and demand that a Team Around the Child (TAC) meeting takes place ASAP.

thanks everyone, I post here because my head is swimming atm. I knew if I post in SN the type of replies I would get, the logic behind it all iyswim, I was wanting to hear it from a more neutral pov. Would love to know willows comment if anyone can let me know

Do you have a social worker?

What is it you would like the school to do? If 4 people can't get him out of the house into a taxi He obviously has very complex needs. Have you considered residential?

That sounds so hard op. I think a pp has said you are not keen on a residential school but I think sometimes it can be a very positive experience for children with extreme difficulties like your son. I have some experience with a fantastic school for children with autisim. The children are there essentially full time if needs be and they have a staff ratio of three to one if needed. It really is a fantastic school with amazing staff. I don't know how I would feel if I was in your situation but the parents I have met with children at this school cannot speak highly enough of it. I hope things get better for you soon.

How are you today devient ? On the residential school suggestion I don't think residential is a quick fix bunging a child in and left, some children with complex needs like the OP son can benefit from the routine of residential school, and parents are not going through violence and and agression and the other day to day things living with a child with such complex needs, OP son is going to get bigger stronger than he is now , It is something I would consider not that you should if you don't want OP , but I don't know what else to suggest as your son grows and becomes an adult he will be at home with you,

I don't think that anyone is suggesting that residential is a quick fix. Certainly the local authority will use any dirty tactics they can to avoid funding a residential placement. Parents usually have to fight tooth and nail to get a residential placement for their children.