To shy away from telling my best friend that she needs to diet properly?

[Anonymumous]

I met up with my best friend today. She's been overweight (OK, obese) since I first met her - she put five stone on with her first child and never lost it. Over the years she's always said that she hates being fat and I've tried to encourage her when she's tried diets and tried to offer advice based on what's worked for DH. She can be very sensitive, so I tend to back off from being too blunt because I am a complete coward don't want to lose her friendship.

Today she told me that she'd been to see the doctor about water retention, and that the doctor had given her a stern lecture about her weight, referred her for an urgent appointment with a dietitian, and given her strict instructions to keep a food diary and come back in one month having lost 8lb. She said she told the doctor that she didn't eat a lot, but that the doctor didn't seem to believe her. (She actually probably eats more healthy food than me, but her portion sizes are HUGE compared to mine. She has it fixed in her head that as long as the food she eats is that which is commonly deemed 'healthy' (cereal, yoghurt, rice etc.) then it doesn't matter how much of it she eats - she doesn't really 'get' calories.) She said the doctor thought she was "in denial" and scoffed at how silly that was, because she knows that she she needs to lose weight. Then two minutes later she said that she'd had five chocolate biscuits with her cup of tea, but that she wouldn't be putting that in her food diary. Isn't that denial? (I did say that to her, but she thought I was joking.)

The doctor told her to cut out all unnecessary calories - no potatoes, pasta or rice. She came home and said, "F* that." She said that her DH had got the exercise bike out for her, but that she never had time to use it because she was always out on the school run or feeding the baby. But I was round there for nearly two hours and she only spent 15 minutes or so feeding the baby, and the rest chatting to me.

I really am getting worried about her now, because I always thought that she did want to lose weight, but was hindered by not really understanding calories or carbs or dieting or portion control. Now that the doctor is so concerned about her health, I would have thought it would give her the kick up the bottom that she needs to really sort herself out, but it seems to have done the opposite - she seems to have lost her motivation and the stubborn streak has kicked in. Before now she has badgered me to go to a gym with her, and I didn't really want to - I prefer classes. But I did join a gym a couple of months ago to get rid of my baby weight. I told her I can get her a free guest pass and we could go together and try things out and have some fun, but she just refused point blank. I've lost a stone in a couple of months, and she said I look old and gaunt and I'm too thin. I'm not upset, because I think she is just being defensive. But it did make it extra hard to say anything about exercise, because I just sounded like a gym nut / convert. And I didn't really need to lose much weight in the first place, so I felt like going on about it was rubbing it in.

Sorry about the long post. What I want to know is, am I being a crap friend by massaging her ego and going along with her denial? Should I have come out with it and said, "Look, the doctor's right - you are not going to lose weight unless you do some serious exercise and start counting calories properly"? I always thought that no-one else can make you want to lose weight - you have to do it for yourself. But I do want to help her and I can't help feeling that I've let her down by not being more blunt. Then I think the doctor was incredibly blunt, and maybe my friend is still a little shellshocked and defensive after that and just needs a little time to come to terms with what was said - so maybe just being there for her if she needs me is enough? Aaarrggh - I don't know what to do! What would you do?

It sounds like she doesn't want your or anybody else's
help, whether or not you think she needs it. I would support her if she asks for help but it sounds like she has enough ways of getting information about dieting if she really wanted to, but simply doesn't want to do it enough; as she's had the doctor speak to her about it I'm sure she doesn't need you to tell her as well. If she really wants to be slim (as opposed to expressing a desire for it but deciding that the trade-off in terms of dietary changes or exercise is not one she wants to make at present) then, as others have said, she needs to make that decision by herself for herself, and nothing you say will, I am afraid, make any difference except make her feel like you're adding to the chorus of disapproval about her weight. She may also feel she can't relax around you if she thinks you are looking at what she is eating and making judgments on whether or not it's the right type/amount of food for her.

I know you're concerned about her and want her to be happy, but if I were in her position I'd feel like you were being judgy. And I'd be deeply, deeply insulted if someone bought me a diet plate without me specifically asking for help with portion control. Please don't do that! As others have said, it does sound like her eating is at least partly on an emotional level (and which of us doesn't have a complicated emotional connection with food); in the circumstances comments or tips about her diet (which she may well
see as comments about her appearance, self-control etc) could cut deeply in ways that you couldn't necessarily imagine. She wants you to be her friend, not her dietician.

You could suggest she read the Idiot Proof Diet book, both authors lost 4-5stone and have kept it off. There is a big section about emotional eating which really helped me and if I fall off the wagon due to emotional eating I re- read.

I agree with others thou that unless she wants to do it for herself you may lose a friendship by being blunt.

I don't think my friend would get offended by the portion plate. It's not as if we haven't ever discussed her weight or that she's one of these larger ladies who is always claiming to be happy to be that way. In the past I've made her an A3 wipeable, magnetic food diary to stick on her fridge, and written out long explanations of why low-carb diets work and what foods you can eat on them - she's always taken it in good spirits. If nothing else, hopefully the portion plate will give her a giggle.

It's really quite telling that you've tried various things with her in the past and yet none of them have done the key thing of changing HER mindset. It's not just the happily fat who nevertheless struggle to put in place the mindset to successfully lose weight. she may only be taking it in good spirits because she's your friend and knows your suggestions come from a helpful place.

You sound like a very caring friend and your original post, asking if you're being unreasonable for shying away from being blunter, shows that you're aware that there are sensitivities around such things; perhaps what she really needs is for you to do exactly that and back off, and let her discover for herself the combination of dietary and motivational factors that work.
If you suggest another thing, and that too doesn't work, that might well be actively unhelpful in demotivating her.

I dont think a fad diet is the answer (they never are)

Firstly she needs to be in a good place in her head first- that means not being depressed and feeling generally good about herself. If she believes that she has the righ to be happy and healthy she will have an incentive to imporive her life.

Dont focus on her weight. If she eats healthily and is active she will get to a ealthy weight. If she is 5 stones overweight she should give herself 2 years to get there. The changes need to be gradual so they will be permanent.

If she is that heavy then exercise will be hard. she will probably need to do frequesnt short bursts. You said you met up for coffee but that is putting the temptation of sugar in her drink and biscuits in front of her. Suggest meeting to go for a walk instead. Is there a ladies night or similar when she could go swimming?

She wont be able to change everything all at once- she will need to wean herself off her large portions. Gentle reductions will make the change sustainable.

Also she will relapse, that is part of the process. keep encouraging her at these difficult points and dont criticise her or she may give up entirely.

teh best thing you can do is to help bbost her confidence generally.

you can only go on a diet when you are in the right frame of mind. this means: not being in denial about it, not lying to yourself/others about what you eat, not looking at the amount you weigh and thinking that you have no chance of getting to a remotely reasonable size, not kidding yourself. people are fat for one reason and one reason only they consume more calories than than use up. we all know it even v fat people like me. however it has taken me over 30 years to go and do something about it. you dont say how old your friend is but i am guessing 20's or 30's the big shock for me was hitting the menopause. weight i had carried ok in the past suddenly affected my health. you may have to wait this long before she has the courage to admit that she needs to do something about it. being thin is not about vanity its about living long enough to see your kids grow up. show her this thread perhaps?

Tough one, but can I just point one thing out? I can't see anything in the doctor's reported words about exercise, it's all about food. It might be that you just didn't mention that he said to do exercise as well - but if he didn't, I suggest anything you say to her ONLY backs up what he said. Otherwise it's going to be way too much conflicting pressure,

FWIW I do not find that exercise helps me lose weight, many people don't, and while there are obviously good reasons to do it anyway, it sounds like your friend needs, first of all, to control what she eats. That is more than enough to be getting on with. If I'm right about what the doctor said, he will be concentrating on the eating aspect for now.

If she is not listening to the doctor then unlikely she will listen to you, so I would say nothing more - she will only throw it back in your face. Just continue being a good friend supporting her if she chooses to be sensible and follow the docs advice,.

Total, comprehensive gender-fail on my part there . You didn't say whether the doctor was male or female. I blame being on phone with a tiny screen.

I am currently in the middle of a weight loss plan. When I was at my heaviest, my mum would tell me that I was slamming the weight on and would try to get me to do something about it, but I just wasn't ready. You really do only lose weight when you are in the right frame of mind to stick to an eating plan that involves giving up all the comfort food and sometimes feeling hungry (I used to pick all day, so never really had the chance to get hungry at mealtimes).

I think you should just be her friend - don't lie and tell her she's fine, but don't put pressure on her either. She knows she is too heavy and what the doctor says is true, but nothing will change until she is ready to do it.