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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope for a proposal before too long?

44 replies

Foxtrot99 · 26/09/2012 18:54

I have been with DP for just over a year, we have lived together for 6months and everything is going well. We knew each other for a couple of years as friends before we got together.

We are both in our early 30s.

Am I being unreasonable to hope for a proposal before too long (say within the next 12 months?) . I do want to marry and have a family one day and conscious that I don't have all the time left in the world now I am over 30.

We have both said that we see ourselves together forever and he has said he wants to marry one day and does believe in marriage, however he doesn't seem to like having specific discussions about marrying me which concerns me a bit.

We have brought a house together so he is not completely scared of commitment.

How long would you wait for a proposal before giving up hope?! Also how do you communicate to a man that you do want marriage without forcing him into it / making him feel pressured? Any views most appreciated.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 27/09/2012 00:00

You've not been together long enough to worry about giving up hope yet! Also, having children doesn't need to depend on being married first. Owning a house together suggests that your dp isn't afraid of commitment but he may not be ready to get married yet. So you've got two choices really. Wait a little longer (another 12 months, say?) or propose to him yourself.

slowestwildebeast · 27/09/2012 00:01

Blinkin nora. You bought a house after 6mths and you want him to hurry up and propose.
You have only been together a year. Maybe he thinks the house is enough for now. What's this rush rush? Crikey. Full steam ahead.

Men are not psychic. Maybe he's just catching his breath. Or has it planned.

You'd scare me. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

brdgrl · 27/09/2012 00:07

It is a very individual thing, obviously, but to me a year doesn't seem like a very long time at all. Honestly, my advice would be to enjoy this time as an unmarried couple, and also use this time to be absolutely sure that you want to be married, and married to this person. You still have lots to learn about each other. (I don't mean that in a patronising way, sorry if it sounds it.)

I'm married now, and while it's lovely to be married, I also look back at the 'courtship' and dating time I had with my now-DH, and it was really lovely, too. We didn't rush into marriage, but for 'practical' (financial and geographical) reasons we did get married sooner than I otherwise would have chosen.

As an aside - I have noticed (in my own relationship and that of others) that the two-year mark seems to be a time when people often take stock of things. I've seen relationships move to a new level at that point, and also some that came apart. I'm not saying it is a magic number or anything; it's just something I've noticed and may be pure coincidence!

GoldShip · 27/09/2012 09:57

1 year isn't long at all. You're rushing things! Enjoy your life!

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 27/09/2012 10:00

If you want to get married, have a chat about the fact that you want to get married ffs. It's not actual 1812.

Ephiny · 27/09/2012 10:33

"Also how do you communicate to a man that you do want marriage without forcing him into it / making him feel pressured?"

You just say to him basically what you've said in your OP: that you know you both want marriage etc, that you're starting to want to start thinking about the timing of it all now you're in your 30s, and ask what he thinks about maybe planning a wedding in the next year or so (or whatever timeframe you're thinking of).

I don't get this sitting around waiting for a proposal thing.

However it sounds like it's quite early days in your relationship, things have moved quite quickly so far (DH and I were together 5 years before moving in, and 10 years before we got married!) so surely there's no need to rush?

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2012 10:35

Blimey it's all been a bit of a rush hasn't it?

Maybe that's why he hasn't asked you yet...I mean if you're living together 6 months into your relationship, that's a massive step in itself.

But if you really are in a rush then I agree, you should be the one doing the asking.

samandi · 27/09/2012 11:56

A year doesn't seem much time at all. And if you want to discuss marriage with him then bring it up yourself.

newmummytobe79 · 27/09/2012 12:01

It's coming up to Christmas ... maybe suggest you'd like a ring?

Or cut out a picture of the ring you want and stick it on the fridge?

I'm subtle I is

Cherrypieplum · 27/09/2012 12:02

I don't agree that's it's not a long time. You have a house together so that shows commitment but why not just talk?

My husband and I discussed engagement after six weeks (in that if we were getting on as we as we were then in six months we'd do it). We aren't mutters I promise!

We picked out each others' gifts and one day my DH just said 'let's do it!' granted I tease him about not getting down on one knee but it felt right and was right! Three years and one DD later we are very happy.

PrincessOfChina · 27/09/2012 12:04

A year? Come back and talk to me in 7 years or so.

We would like to get married, but as we're both early thirties now we prioritised buying a house and having a baby. And buying ipads and the like

Anotherusefulname · 27/09/2012 12:05

Just tell him you want to get married, no asking or waiting, just a conversation thats what DH and I did, Only 10 months into our relationship, 12 years ago.
I'm surprised women still wait to be asked, if you've bought a house and live together your partner probably doesn't think its a big deal as being martied changes nothing in your day to day life.

Popsandpip · 27/09/2012 12:07

I understand why you'd like your boyfriend to propose to you - and why you don't want to propose to him. If you've had good chats in the past about your (joint) hopes for the future, it can't hurt to have a slightly more concrete discussion now. Rather than pushing him into actually proposing there and then, I would ask him about the timescales he's thinking about. Timing for an engagement, timing for a wedding, timing for babies... That way you know it'll happen, he can still surprise you, he knows that you're serious and you can relax.

Good luck!

dreamingbohemian · 27/09/2012 12:14

I think if I were you, I'd try to relax about it for the rest of this year, through the holidays -- as a previous poster suggested, enjoy this pre-marriage time! It's romantic! Holidays and all the family stuff help people take stock of what they want, what they're ready for, so you may find yourself naturally having conversations about marriage anyway around that time.

If after a few more months it's still bothering you then just talk to him about it.

Obviously you can also just talk to him now, but I do think 6 months living together is not that long and it can't hurt to wait until you have a bit more time together, to make sure he really is the one you want to marry.

Samr85 · 27/09/2012 12:15

My partner n I have been together just over 5 years now n we aren't married. We have a house together n recently a beautiful baby girl. Don't push things, let them just happen. He will ask when good n ready I'm sure, just enjoy each other now.

goingtoofast · 27/09/2012 12:16

You don't need him to propose. Have a discussion about marriage, that's what me and DH did.

Sallyingforth · 27/09/2012 17:19

As goingtoofast says.
You can talk about marriage without anyone proposing.
DP and I have done so quite openly a few times so that we each know exactly what the other thinks.

DoMeDon · 27/09/2012 17:29

Agree with everyone who said a year is not a long time. You are still in the very early stages of a relationship. You have a house together and you've both said you want to marry. Men friends (inc my own DH) that I have spoken to about this all say they like to be the ones to ask. None of them mind talking about it though. Why not ask him if he still wants marriage and children, then if he wants them with you? If he says yes, give him time (at least another 6 months). I have known men who get stuck in a rut, just happy as they are, so it doesn't occur to them to propose. They benefit from being asked but he doesn't sound backward in coming forward if you're already in a mortgage situation! Relax, enjoy is easy to say but hard to do if you're getting broody though.

ioness · 27/09/2012 17:51

I don't think a year is nearly enough to really get to know a partner. Two years perhaps.

I really don't understand what your rush is. And why you'd commit to someone for life, when you've known them so little time. It isn't the same knowing someone as a friend. You really do need to test that relationship a bit beyond the honeymoon period.

I have a few friends who are in dreadful marriages because they made a commitment too early. It's incredibly hard for them to get out of the situation or make the decision to once they had dc. At the moment one is finally separated after many years of misery, the other two continue with a miserable existence. Maybe that colours my judgement.

Give it more time and take off the pressure. Enjoy your time together and see how the relationship develops. I really feel your in danger of making a big mistake if you don't give it more time.

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