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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep trying to persuade my partner to have a third child

51 replies

Goldalocks · 25/09/2012 13:50

We have two beautiful children aged 4 and 1, a boy and a girl (so various people have mentioned the 'perfect family' which I find a bit silly as 2 boys/2 girls would have been equally good!) However, I cannot stop thinking/planning about having a third child even though my partner is fairly adamant he does not want this. He thinks practically in terms of the lack of sleep with another child and being able to afford much more for the 2 we have. I have always imagined myself having three children - I always thought this would be a nice number, a little gang while not being ridiculously many - and feel so sad at the thought of never being pregnant/ giving birth and having the excitement of a new baby again. Also, I worry about the future and what (god forbid) if anything happened to either of our children - having three just seems safer somehow although I do not even like to tempt fate by thinking this thought.

I know I am very lucky, but I can't stop thinking about this and it is making me unhappy when I should be content with what I have. Anyone been in a similar position of intolerable broodiness/ have any advice?

OP posts:
TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 25/09/2012 16:44

I understand your worries but if you keep on about this, about feeling you have to have 3 because of these reasons then it could make your DH feel so guilty that he agrees for that reason.

I think you should sit down and tell him how you feel, if you haven't already and let him tell you how he feels and then draw a line under it if he is adamant he doesn't want a third.

It's not fair to insist upon a third child in case of the horrible scenario of something happening to one of your DCs.
It's not fair to force someone into doing something they don't want to do and to have him agree to bring a child into the world for the wrong reasons. The child deserves 2 parents that wanted it, not a father who was guilt tripped into agreeing IMO

ThreeWheelsGood · 25/09/2012 17:05

Don't people discuss this before having any babies? (Presuming the first was planned of course.) I'm pregnant with our first and we'd discussed before ttc that we love the idea of 3 children. So, no confused expectations in future.

ThreeWheelsGood · 25/09/2012 17:06

I meant to say yes, YABU to force the issue when he's said no.

MardyArsedMidlander · 25/09/2012 17:10

You see, I really don't understand the whole idea of splitting up over this and then having a baby with someone else. What about the children you have already? Wouldn't they really prefer to live with Mum and Dad, all other things being equal, instead of Mum, Stepfather and new baby?

TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 25/09/2012 17:26

Well of course they would prefer it but does that mean someone has to have a child that they have quite clearly stated they don't want? In order to stop their partner from leaving? That's emotional blackmail.

Original poster
Goldalocks · 25/09/2012 17:26

Thanks - lots of valuable advice here! I think it has helped me see that nagging is probably not going to get us anywhere except into quite a strained relationship, but yes, good idea to let him know how I feel (I have) and perhaps test the waters again in a few months. I would never 'get pregnant on the sly', nor would I contemplate finding someone else to have a baby with (I want another child to complete OUR family, also that would be extremely unfair to existing children).

Also, re talking about it before having children, when ttc the first time I don't think I thought beyond whether I would be lucky enough to get pregnant! But yes, I probably was aware I would like three and he felt two was ideal, but thought things might change in future (actually, I don't think you can make much informed decision ow many children you want until you have actually experienced one!)

OP posts:
hackmum · 25/09/2012 17:34

Would it help if I brought up the salutary tale of someone I know who struggled with the question of whether to go for number 3, then got pregnant sort-of accidentally, and had twins?

Probably not...

NimpyWindowMash · 25/09/2012 17:39

I felt like you when I had 2, always wanted a third. My DH gave in and we had a 3rd after being resolute that he didn't want any more. The age gap was 8 years! I had actually given up talking about it and had got used to the idea that we wouldn't have any more. He eventually suggested it himself. I would advise shelving it as a topic for a while and see how you feel in a year or so. Then it's not "never" so it hopefully won't make you feel so sad. It's just on hold for a while.

Annakin31 · 25/09/2012 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WelshMaenad · 25/09/2012 17:44

I find it a weird outlook. To me, you have children because you both want them, not as some kind of safety net for siblings. I'm one of two, if something happened to my sister I have plenty of oriplecwhobeould support me, I wouldn't think to wish for another sibling for grief counselling. They might not even like each other anyway. My mum's one of 4, she only speaks to her sister, not her two brothers (it's not because she's unreasonable, it's because they're cunts).

WelshMaenad · 25/09/2012 17:45

*people who would. The cat head butted my hand.

Annakin31 · 25/09/2012 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 25/09/2012 18:17

I agree that you shouldn't assume a third sibling would be a support for your two. I'm one of two and if I honest, if anything were to happen to my parents, my sibling would be a burden on me rather than a support Sad

However it sounds like that is not your primary motivation anyway OP.

I honestly think there is not much you can do in this situation. You want a third and your DP doesn't. You don't want to leave him for the sake of having a third. You can't IMO expect him to have a child he doesn't want. You can try to change his mind (not by ultimatums, but by persuasion) but it sounds like you have done that and it hasn't worked. So I think you will have to stop asking and accept sticking at 2 and keep a tiny little hope way back in your mind that he might change his view by himself someday.

MoomieAndFreddie · 25/09/2012 18:36

similar situation here OP

have finally persuaded dh to ttc in a couple of months :)

Original poster
Goldalocks · 25/09/2012 20:29

Thanks, I agree it is primal instinct, and often seems totally irrational in the face of the reality of day to day coping with two small children - perhaps I am a glutton for punishment!
I think the 'three-to support-each-other' bit of the argument has maybe taken over a bt on this thread, it probably is not my primary reason for wanting another child, perhaps I am even using it a bit to justify my primal instinct. It is something that I do think about, however so I think it does play on my mind.

Probably the best advice is to shelve the idea for now but not give up hope completely - have held on to baby clothes, maternity clothes etc, and he has not tried to persuade me to get rid of them/pass them on, from which I am taking false hope...

OP posts:
wheremommagone · 25/09/2012 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterlego6064 · 25/09/2012 21:05

ThreeWheels It doesn't always work out that way...

OH and I both wanted three children but he changed his mind after DC2. Money, house size, my mental health...

I felt quite cheated because I had thought there would be one more. It put quite a strain on our relationship for a while. I resented him. He felt guilty but was resolute. I made my peace with it in the end because I had no other choice.

We are fine now. The broodiness does get better OP. Your two are still very little and you'll probably feel differently once they're older. If you're happy using non-permanent contraception, then you can carry on as you are and perhaps he'll change his mind. Don't set your heart on it though, just in case.

FreudianLisp · 25/09/2012 21:05

I understand the intolerable broodiness, but have no advice. We have identical twins (almost two years old) and I'm desperate for another. We have an embryo sitting on ice in the fertility clinic and I soooo want to give that little ball of cells a chance... and carry on with more IVF if that doesn't work. I've promised to do all the nights and almost all the childcare if we have another, but husband is adamant he couldn't cope with any more. Sad I wish I had the answers.

purplepansy · 25/09/2012 21:21

I totally understand how you feel, also had the 'perfect family' of 1 girl and 1 boy and DH said the idea of a 3rd made him feel physically sick. I always imagined a big family, and the broodiness tore me apart. In the end I think he compromised by being a little bit slack on the contraception front and I compromised by not nagging about it, and when I inevitably got pregnant he could tell himself it was a total accident, when really, we both knew what was likely to happen. We had a 4th too, and happily my broodiness has now totally vanished. I think I may have been able to accept not having any more after 2, but I think there would always have been an undercurrent of resentment. He is now totally happy being a dad of a big and very happy family, and I think our relationship is stronger than ever. (he was a right moody sod through all my pregnancies though!)

ChristinaF · 25/09/2012 22:05

I was desperate for a third child. DH was happy with two. We had terrible arguments and I really struggled with the idea that I would not have the third child I wanted so much.

We had counselling which helped us discuss all the issues. Perhaps that would help you? After five years DH agreed to a third. DD3 is now 4 years old and as soon as she was born I knew my family was complete. I have never regretted her for a single moment and although DH would have stuck at two he is wonderful with her.

BlueSkySinking · 25/09/2012 22:23

DH wanted 2 and I wanted 3. No arguments, just practical discussions mostly. I really felt my family was complete once my little boy was born thankfully.

OnwardBound · 25/09/2012 22:53

Similar dilemma here.

I have 3 and 1 year DSons.

Really really really want a third. If I'm honest a bit of me is hoping for a DD but would also be very pleased to have a third DS.

DH however is most reluctant. For reasons of space, finance, future travel plans, a host of reasons that I genuinely feel can be overcome.

My other issue is I have just turned 39. If I were to get pregnant with a third and most definitely final baby I would want to do this in the next year.

So yes I can do the no nagging and have the honest chat with DH about my feelings and then leave him to examine his own thoughts and feelings on the issue.

But I am also very aware that fertility wise I am running out of time.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 25/09/2012 22:56

I had always wanted 6 DC's. Shock.

I knew I was done once I had number 4 (DS3) though. So much so that I am happily getting sterilised next week, with him being just 20mo.

I just don't want any more babies, and nothing could persuade me.

demisemiquaver · 25/09/2012 23:16

YANBU But then, neither is your partner: maybe it's too early to discuss in view of baby's age? give it time and try to enjoy their babyhood......but I know that may be really hard

WillSingForCake · 26/09/2012 09:43

ThreeWheels I smiled at your post as my DH and I were also convinced we'd like three children when I was still pregnant with the first. Fast forward a couple of years, and now we'd only like two. It's all very well to discuss beforehand, but people's views can - and often do - change when they discover what having children actually entails.