to be furious with this woman...

[SkinnyMarinkADink]

This is probably going to be rather lengthy.

i am a childminder and for the last year have been looking after one mindee for very long hours each week. The last 6 months have been awful and i have really been there for the mother when she has needed help, for example taking her to work when her partner refused to. the child has become more and more challenging over the last few months, i have successfully weaned him off of baby jars, however his behaviour has got really bad and it got to the stage i can no longer tar him to any groups or activity as he screamed the whole time and picked on other children.

we moved to a different area recently and i agreed that i would meet her in the mornings at her work to pick him up, this was up until i go on maternity leave am 23 weeks now. this turned in to her demanding i drop him in evenings also, i did it as losing her money was not an option we could do. she has subsequently taken the piss more and more examples...

• she constantly gives him to me when he is ill. he had the start of chicken pox virus gave it to me and i got shingles (11 weeks pregnant) the week before last he arrived obviously full of cold and very unhappy i ended up with the cold and have spent the last week in bed feeling totally awful. when asked to pick him up she would arrive 3 hours later. i have taken him to the Dr on many occasion.

-she never pays me on time. pay day is Friday it usually arrives Sunday.

• i was running a couple minutes behind schedule and she was waiting for me for 3 minutes maximum she stood and shouted at me. had rang me several times.

I am getting to the point now the parent is always talking about twitter, saying how fun it is to stalk celebs etc, from what she said her life is played out on it.

A couple of weekends back i was waiting on her paying me. I had said on the Friday i really needed it on time as we were going out for the day she said to text her in the morning and she would pay straight away, i did this and got no response and no money. in the end we couldn't go out for the day this started the total breakdown of me wanting to deal with her anymore. Eventually she messaged me on the Sunday evening to say she had been ill and not had her phone with her, dh didn't believe her and decided to look her up on twitter...

I discovered she had not been ill in bed.. she had been out for the day there were photos and 'tweets' from the whole day...

I have been having a awful pregnancy, was going to go on mat leave at 26 weeks, however have another water infections, a cold still and feel pretty awful and tearfull at the thought of a tantruming child 10 hours per day for the next 3 weeks, the driving twice a day 7.30am i have to hurl dd in the car. also the fact i work 2 days free a week for her with all the expense she doesn't cover

so i called her last night, explained that i don't feel i can be her child minder any more due to my health and that i would not be returning to working. I've not left her in any predicament as her mum is here helping her the last week I've been off. she was very nice about it and i said i would refund what i owe her if she sent bank details to me, excellent i thought. until dh said that he finds it odd that she was so nice when she was always having digs at me so we had a little sneak on twitter....

There are really awful things that she is saying about me, one says "childminder can't be arsed anymore so it going to be a jobless bum, may as well pay her wages through taxes now!!"
after looking through a bit further there are regular tweets about me rather nasty.

My aibu is...would ibu if i either...

A) delayed her money like she has done to me several times.
B) make my own twittter and follow her and hope it makes her feel a little bit ashamed for what she has said.
C) when sending her an email with how much i owe her add in there a line like "can't wait for my maternity pay to start in a few weeks guess i will just be a jobless bum till then LOL."

Wow, didn't expect as many replies at all.

To answer few points.

• in the beginning our relationship was great, he was 9 months old when he started with me. Around 6 months ago their home life became very bad, this was when she really started to take the piss.

I was about to start looking for a new mindee when i found out that i was pregnant, i didn't want to take on another child and the parent have to settle with someone who wasn't going to be around much longer, it worked for me to stick with her as she had no problem if i needed to take him to an appointment or if we were just having a day inside.

However, it didn't work as i thought and in time it got worse and worse but i was held over a barrel to just get on with it as financially i couldn't lose her.

• i do have full policies and procedures in place, however i can't force someone to follow them

for example. when he was poorly i would ring her and she would make a million excuses and turn up 5 hours later, on one occasion she was taking so long i took him a+e myself and also spoke to safe guarding about that incident.

re shingles. if you catch the chicken pox virus the virus can start off the dormant virus, and if already stressed this bring it out.

I would give her back her money (though I'm confused as to how you owe her any?) and I would mention something about her tweets.

I would not make a joke of it. I would say that after you'd done a good, professional job looking after her child you felt it was completely inappropriate to take to Twitter to make nasty comments about you. There's no way I'd let it slide!

Behave like a professional childminder.

You will in future, presumably, want new clients, and you can learn from this debacle to implement a well structured contract and not have people take the piss like this. And the last thing you wnat to be drawn into as a responsible professional childminder is an undignified Twitter row. If you get embroiled it could follow you for ever.

Have fun composing some fantasy revenge Tweets, but in reality walk away and be glad to be rid of her.

Or deal with it as WalterMitty says.

Directly and professionally. NOT over any stupid social media.

As has already been suggested, you cannot catch shingles, it is a reactivation of the dormant chickenpox virus - typically brought on by stress or the body being in a "run down" condition. I had it a long time ago, it's really awful, the worst I've ever felt in my life :(

I think Longtalljosie's suggestion is the best so far, and request that she removes the offending tweets.

I have composed an email. What do you think?

Hi -

I have transferred xxxx as owed to you.

It has been lovely seeing X grow and being a huge part of his life, i will miss him greatly and his cheeky smile.

I hope that you find someone quickly to look after X, sorry that i had to give you such short notice to not have him anymore, unfortunately sometimes in life these things happen.

I would appreciate if you did not discuss my health or current situation on twitter which is such a public place that anyone in the world can see.

Kind regards

skinny

I would go a step further and say "I was disappointed to read your comments about me on twitter. I don't feel that they were justified and I don't think that's a level either of us had to sink to. I would appreciate if you could delete your comments immediately."

I also wouldn't be apologising again to her. You've explained yourself, you made sure you did it at a time when you knew she had immediate cover. You don't owe her an apology!

Please dont go any further than that. She and her partner seem nasty, and you dont want a feud going.

I would print out (and save screenshots of) what she has said about you on social media, just in case.

What Waltermitty said.

I'd certainly delete the middle two paragraphs. Why suck up to her?

I'd hold on to the money if I were you. First I'd email her to say that you've seen her tweets about you (print them off) and that you consider them highly defamatory. I'd insist on a public retraction, on twitter, to all her followers, retracting what she has said about you and accepting that you have always provided the highest standard of care for her child.

She should also undertake not to repeat the allegations.

Only then should you refund her the money.

Of course she could sue you for the money you owe her, but similarly you have a riught of action against her for libel. I assume though you're not as rich as Croesus and couldn't afford to instruct a lawyer specialising in defamation.

Agreed regarding taking out the first two paragraphs. You sound like you are crawling to her.

I thought i would put a really nice email so it may make her feel even a little bit silly for doing it all so publicly.

I do know for a fact that there are no childminders anywhere near her that have space for what she needs.

i have done a little assassination and called a few childminder friends who will spread the word she is looking.

I wish i was rich i would not have these problems if i were

Don't do anything rash - regardless of what is true and whats not, it's your business that will suffer if you want to keep on minding. People like this think nothing of bad mouthing you to others. Pay her the money you owe and thank your lucky stars you wont be having them back.

In future you need to stick to your policies. She can't bring a sick child to you if you don't allow it. Don't agree to drop off/pick ups if they are not convenient to you. Do not allow a parent to dictate terms to you. When you go through the contract with them make sure you do so clearly and thoroughly to avoid any disputes later. Childhood illnesses like chickenpox are infectious long before the spots appear so no point worrying about that, but, if a child has chickenpox spots then they should not be in your setting without your (and you other parents) agreement.

I believe in karma. Ignore her focus on dd and baby. She will get her just desserts when she can't find anyone willing to do all the extras you did, and of the child's so naughty I'm sure her mum will get fed up soon enough.
Sit back and enjoy watching her struggle (via twitter) and smile smugly

Restrained response is the way to go. Keep it short and polite.

I wouldn't apologise and I would add that you want the insulting tweets to be removed.

I think you need to get a bit of distance if you are going to run CMing as a business.

Don't indulge in this point scoring silliness, don't call all your friends and tell stories.

Just stick to the contract. The email (if there needs to be an email at all), should simply set out the details of the refund and thank her for her business. Done.

Anything else is just buying into and contributing to drama. If I was looking for a CM and I found out about this stuff, I would sail right by because I don't like drama especially in a business transaction.

If you think the tweets are defaming and might hurt your business then by all means think about contacting a lawyer, but otherwise this point scoring crap will just make you look as ridiculous as her.

i do have full policies and procedures in place, however i can't force someone to follow them

Well yes, actually you can. The whole point of policies and procedures is that they clarify the business relationship for both parties and are there to help avoid the sort of taking the piss that this woman has indulged in.

It sounds like you've done the best thing though so far as terminating your arrangement with her and I hope life gets a deal less stressful as a result. I'd avoid making any public comments on social networks though since you will come across as stooping to her level. It won't do your business any good in the long run either. But I do agree that she should be invited to desist.

I'd send her a very detailed invoice (don't ignore your own expenses) at a time that is convenient to you.

Hold your head up high OP...You are well rid...Just Ignore Ignore Ignore...Enjoy the rest of your life and move on...I pity the baby though.

I can understand the ?killing with kindness? approach and you want the Twitter reference to be a bit of a sting in the tail but I would send this slightly revised version instead.
Hi

I have transferred xxxx as owed to you.

It has been lovely seeing X grow and being a huge part of his life, i will miss him greatly and his cheeky smile.

However I would appreciate if you did not discuss me, my health or current situation on twitter which is after all a public forum that anyone in the world can see. You comments were rather libellous and I would appreciate it if you removed them, otherwise I?ll be forced to contact a solicitor.

Kind regards

skinny

Not read thread but you are a saint to have put up with her for this long!

But re shingles you cannot catch it from chicken pox. I checked the nhs website when my children had it a few months ago. (not so I could send them to a childminder though I might add)

Maybe you can add a line to your email saying that she might want to bear in mind that the internet is a public forum and that in any future childminding arrangement there is a risk of it being soured if her childminder can read insults online. And that, in fact, future employers and/or clients may choose to research her online and find her petty one liners...

I would wait until she chases you and then say "Oh sorry, I forgot" and be really blase about it. Give her a dose of her own medicine. I would also deduct the money that she has not paid you for expenses. I would then completely forget about her and get on with your own life. She sounds like a nutcase and a sad case if she feels the need to slag you off on twitter.

I would just pay her and get her out your life. Sounds like you are best rid of her, she sounds horrible. Personally I always feel like I don't need people like that in my life and you should just let it go and breath a sigh of relief that you no longer have to work with her. As for twitter, i'd ignore it. These people don't know you so why would you care?

She'd care because she is running a business and doesn't want potential customers to be put off by defamatory material on the internet. Agree about not playing tit for tat or getting too petty about who owes what to whom, though.