AIBU to feel irritated by party being usurped?

[poopnscoop]

My friend has a big birthday coming up soon. Her DH said he was too busy/tired et al to do anything (he's generally selfish and usually puts himself before his family's needs anyhow), her mum and I got together (and with his knowledge and go-ahead) started planning a surprise party for her. She has NO idea. She has had a rough year and deserves a brilliant surprise.

Venue booked, basic theme set, goodies being ordered. All looking good! Next step, send out invites.

Her DH suddenly charges in, and, out of the blue, wants to take over.. changes venue to somewhere cheaper (err it's cheaper for a reason...) and sends a mass invite email out to all and sundry saying HE has decided to throw his DW a surprise party, the theme is W (our chosen theme), and he is doing X, Y and Z (our plans).

I am trying not to be upset. Her mum is trying to make excuses for his behaviour. He wants to know the contacts for the party goodies, I've told him what to google. Childish of me maybe... but I think he's being rude, and doesn't deserve any more help from us, especially when he is telling everyone he is organising it all. He booked the new venue and sent a mass email out. That's it.

AIBU to feel irritated by this? He is her DH and it's lovely he wants to do something for her party... but we have done all the work. It's the WAY he's gone about it. Even sent us both an invite hahaha... no, I am not actually laughing.

yanbu to feel irritated... not much you can do about it though , unless she has a reli that is a bit of a gossip and one of you let's it slip like..

does it matter who has done the leg work. what did you want from organising the party.

i bet the DW will be over the moon that for once her husband has 'thought' about her.

i can understand why you are upset though

I'd be annoyed by that. Hope you're not out of pocket for the venue.

Is it about being unappreciated? That is how I would feel. He has shown zero appreciation for your effort. Maybe the fact you and DM did something made him feel guilty realise where he was going wrong??

Agree you should just try to work through the upset and feel happy for your friend. She will be thrilled either way and that was the intended outcome.

@red - that reli would be her mother and I doubt she'd say anything.. only her, friend's DH, my DH and I were in on it.

Cancelling in advance so got deposit back. A shame, the new venue is a dive. Not what we envisioned for her big day. Oh well.

@McHappy - no, the party is for HER. She will be delighted and her happiness is the aim of the party. I just don't appreciate what her DH is doing. If she ever found out about this, it certainly would not come from my lips.

hope she never finds out.

i would be very disappointed if my DH did this

@Do.. yes, I think that too. He suddenly thought he should step up to the plate! But he could have joined us, not just taken over and use all our ideas and goodies we have bought already.

We (her mother and I) live 4 hours away from each other and we've made a couple of special trips to get together to arrange it - both so excited re doing this for her as she has really been through the mill... it was going to be a really special evening. Now it's in a cheap, grotty pub. And we have been caste aside.

It grates. But we will ensure our friend isn't aware of this and enjoys her evening. She would be upset with her DH if she knew.

Can you not speak to him re venue? Explain why you had chosen somewhere better else?

TBH if she will never know, you could be frank about your upset with him. He can hardly moan to her about it can he!

I don't understand why you let him? I'd have said it was mine and her mum's present to her and go find his own idea because you were all organised.

I don't think your friend would have minded a party from you and and whatever special present lover boy could top it with. Now she has a slightly worse party and you are all fed up. I'd totally tell him what a muppet he was too...

We didn't 'let' him do anything re the venue, he just did it. When I spoke to the mother, she told me what he'd done. I was so surprised.

He told her he was taking her away for the weekend as his gift to her, the mother told me he hasn't booked it yet... and that's why I think he suddenly thought 'oh heck, I forgot to book the weekend away (that he'd actually told her about)... she won't be too mad at me if I've arranged the surprise party'.

It's the way he thinks. I do not think for an instant he has even considered he might have upset his MIL or me.

The mass email is doing my head in... all the RSVPs... everyone thinks he's so considerate to be doing this party! Yeah.... what a thoughtful bloke

He sounds a complete mare. How long have they been together then?

I'd let him have full control (which I think matches your inclination not to share the party goods). Let him do it all and fuck it all up himself

and then book that great weekend away for you, MIL and the birthday girl!!!

They've been together 14 years. 3 kids.

LOVE the way you think wicked look... especially us 3 girls going away together!

The thing is, it won't be messed up... everyone in the RSVP email are offering to HELP him!!!!

'Can we bake a cake?'
'What can I do to help you, you wonderful wonderful wonderful hurl DH of birthday girl?'
'Can I make cupcakes?'
'Do you need help putting decorations up?'
'Can we bring balloons?'

With everyone offering to help him, it'll look lovely. Which will be nice for her. I really want her to enjoy it... hence me wondering if IABU to be feeling resentful.

I was going to make the cake. I love making cakes. But I just don't feel like it now... will bake her a cake when she comes for tea next, toast her again.

Nope you can totally be resentful. She has lots of great friends which is why it will be a success. Party girl will surely work out that it has been a combined effort.
Make a brilliant beautiful cake. He can't take that from you....

and book the weekend away. Or a spa day..

Thanks for that. Yip.

Saw her DH briefly this am, no mention of the party. He is very obviously keen to do it all himself (with the help of his merry helpers on the rsvp list).

YANBU to feel resentful towards him, but as has been suggested book a really nice SPA weekend away with her as your pressie and have a great time.

YANBU to feel resentful. I would feel so, so angry. As long as your friend is happy about it though (and as you said, if she hears about it then it won't be from you) then you will have achieved your goal. You can feel however you want, it's how you act on it that is reasonable or unreasonable. IMO you are acting like a saint and doing what's best for your friend, so good for you .

Just had a call from her mother... he has asked her re the name of the person who made their son's cake a while back (she asked me if I knew...)... so there goes the cake making.

He knows I bake cakes. I LOVE baking cakes. He's eaten shedloads of them over the years. I've made them for other special parties and a wedding... ah well. He really does want to appear to have done it all. She would instantly know one of my cakes.

My thoughts right now are not very saintly

Offer to bake the cake - you want to do it really. Tell him it will be your gift and you want to do it. Don't cut your nose off. You sound like you really care about your friend.

Oh dear, what a shame for you and your friend, who won't have quite the party you envisaged (though it will still be good based on the number of people offering to help her DH). Just one thought - is there any chance she will find out about the party you had already planned? Even in the future? Because I wouldn't be best pleased with my DH if I found out he'd usurped my friend's plans out of guilt.

He has already arranged someone else to do the cake :(

Thing is... she is a very close friend, it's hard keeping a secret like this party from her - especially now though that I am heavy hearted about it... the wind has been swept from my/our sails. Her mother feels the same. She tries to laugh his actions off but I can hear she's upset too.

I would never say anything to her unless it came up, by her. Then I'd be honest re what has happened. I cannot lie to her and certainly wouldn't to protect his actions.

I just hope, for her sake, he pulls it off.

What a shit. Honestly. I have a friend whose husband is like this, it is awful, but what can you do? I'd bake and bring a cake anyway. And book something special for the three of you.

How about leaving the husband to the party- it's very clear he's going to trample over everything you've done. Respond to the mass email offering to bake the cake , so everyone knows you've offered to help out.

Then arrange a surprise for your friend that her H doesn't know about- a hotel trip, a spa day, a day out somewhere she loves- with her mum, ideally before the party. Take all the themed stuff with you (let the H buy his own!) and decorate the hotel room/ restaurant table with it.

The husband sounds like a horrible piece of work.

Let go. Leave the hubby to do the party and much much later in the year you could lightly/happily mention in front of both of them how the party plans really evolved. You could say that you secretly met with her mum a few times with was really lovely and originally you had originally planned xx and xx before hubby took the lead. That way at least she will know how much you and her Mum think of her.

I am leaving it to him. Much of the leg work was done anyway, he just has to implement things on the day.

Not sure I'll ever say anything, don't want to cause a prob. Her mom might though, in time. We'll see.

He is immature and thoughtless.. and were this to come out... he would just put that innocent look of 'I didn't mean to hurt anyone'.. and get away with it. He gets away with loads from his wife.