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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tactfully mention that my friend may appear desperate?

113 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 24/09/2012 17:41

This is not a question from smug married woman here but I have a friend, a few years younger than me who I've just had to listen to sobbing about having been dumped by yet another bloke.

I have known her a good few years now and it is always the same. Meets man (either dating websites or fixed up through friends normally as we work in predominately female job), goes on few dates, has sex quickly (I'm not judging!), is ALWAYS very keen on man. Texts him lots.

The next bit is hard to articulate - but she has already picked out where she would ideally like to get married. Has firm ideas in her head about how many children she would like, including their names etc. She will happily mention this on dates. She told me she had been for a walk with latest man and said "thats where I want to get married".

Few weeks in, man goes cold, she texts even more and then he calls the whole thing off. She has just been dumped again and has already text him asking if he wants to go to her house and chat things through.

It is making me cringe. I feel like I should say something now. I have said before "don't text him, just let him do some leg work etc" but she always ignores it. It breaks my heart to see her upset so much but I can sort of see it from man's pov. I think I'd be perturbed by similar behaviour.....

My friend is 24 btw

OP posts:

LizLemon007 · 24/09/2012 18:57

hey yall, (young wans) don't be offended by the baby tag. what we owlwans are saying is,well what i'm saying is that at 24, nothing really matters THAT much. she has years to figure this stuff out!

LizLemon007 · 24/09/2012 18:59

i've read 'he's just not that into you' and although i didn't 100% agree with every word, i think it's a good pep talk for somebody who doesn't value themself highly enough. No idea about the rules, but i think it might be more about game playing. he's just not that into you is trying to persuade you not to chase men. i didn't think it was telling you not to return calls from men you were actually interested in. (hope that helps_)

greenplastictrees · 24/09/2012 19:03

I have a friend who is like this other than the marriage/babies chat. It's one romance after another where she seems to jump straight in and gets her heart broken. It's awful to see it happen and I have tried to suggest that she chills out a bit. She assured me she would however her current boyfriend is actually as keen as she is which is great news and I'm reLly pleased for her. I hope it doesn't end in tears though as they are already living together...about 5 months after meeting.

Inneedofbrandy · 24/09/2012 19:06

I do actually get offended, how is it I can do all the stuff a "grown up" does, but still get looked down on and called a baby. I am not a child to be patronised.

No I couldn't possibly know anything since I'm such a baby at 24.

greenplastictrees · 24/09/2012 19:06

By the way I do think my friend appreciated my advice. I didn't tell her to stop being so desperate but did tell her she needed to chill out and keep reminding her she needs to let him do the chasing sometimes. She did listen and I think it helped. There's a tactful way of saying that she might have more success if she acts a bit different.

thebody · 24/09/2012 19:08

I had 2 kids by 24 as well and I look back on me and think I was a baby. Good mom still but a babe.

She's got years to shrivell her eggs, just tell her straight that the desperate clinging chatting about marriage is like turning up on a date with 2 kids in tow and a cold sore..

Hotelfoxtrot · 24/09/2012 19:08

I'm 25 with 2 DC, have worked in the same career since 16 and lived independently since 18.

I do however, quite like being referred to as a "baby".

I'd take is a compliment rather than an insult.

thebody · 24/09/2012 19:10

And stop attacking COTZ,, we all know what she meant.

Ffs stop with the tantrums you babies!!!!

Original poster

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 24/09/2012 19:12

I have said to her before - when she has mentioned to me that she has already chosen the names of her future DC "you know that makes you seem a bit of a freak don't you?' and 'does the future husband get a say in any of this?' but she just laughs it off.

I am dubious about the fact that EVERY man she has ever met or gone out with she says 'has got definite potential' and falls for. Maybe becuase I just struggled to find anyone who didn't get on my tits I quite liked.

She has seen me at my very worst with PND so i'm sure she can't be under any illusions that motherhood and marriage is not all roses-around-the-door. I had quite a wild 'yoof' and did loads of turning up to work after 40 mins sleep, still a bit drunk etc and have gently mentioned to her that she has years to settle down etc. It all falls on deaf ears!

OP posts:

thebody · 24/09/2012 19:16

She sounds loopy op. it's her life do let her learn from her mistakes. To be honest hope she doesn't meet one of my Dcs.. Mind even she couldn't make domestic material out of them.

Phew am safe.

Original poster

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 24/09/2012 19:16

The most recent guy she has just been dumped by - she went on a first date with him a couple of months ago. I happened to meet up with her the next day. She wanted to text him. I advised to leave it, let him get in touch and take it from there.
Next thing I know she has texted him thanking him for an amazing night, looking forward to seeing you again etc. CRINGE. It was barely 18 hours after they'd met.
It took him a week to get back to her as 'he was busy with work'and still she thought he could be The One (hate that phrase btw!)

OP posts:

Original poster

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 24/09/2012 19:17

thebody - yy total fruit loop but one of those friendships that sort of developed through work and you can't extricate yourself from!

OP posts:

anditwasallyellow · 24/09/2012 19:18

Ok I'm going to go against the grain here and ask why does it seem desperate to be obvious in that you want marriage and children? Isn't that just honest and upfront about who you are and what you want in life. The same as you might discuss that you want to go travelling or buy a house or one day own a ferrari on a first date.

I think that the discussing baby names and where you want to get married could be offputting because it is completely disregarding the other potential person, it's like planning a life yourself and looking for someone else to slot in rather than someone to plan a life with.

But are we women all supposed to pretend we are not looking for anything serious and are happy to be eternally single when actually we (general as in some women) really want a life partner.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/09/2012 19:20

Well, on the other hand, maybe you should just leave her to it. I suddenly just remember I had a friend like yours when I was A LOT younger. (like 20)

She would make home made bread and drop by to give the blokes after their first date. It was her way of weeding them out. If they were still interested, wuhei! If not, no loss and she continued her search in the same manner.

Eventually she found a man who loved her bread. They have been married 17 years and have 3 children. She is very happy.

LucieMay · 24/09/2012 19:20

She's still very young. Just leave her to it. She'll learn. It's pointless other people trying to coach you when it comes to relationships, you have to figure it out yourself.

anditwasallyellow · 24/09/2012 19:21

Also don't get why we have to play hard to get, is it only ok for a bloke to chase while we women are supposed to remain all distant and mysterious?

Original poster

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 24/09/2012 19:23

anditwasallyellow - that is a point I have made in the past.Part of the excitment about finding someone to marry etc is planning all that stuff together.I'd be put off by someone who seemed to know all that already.

I'm not saying she she should be all whimsical and hard-to-get but just cool it a bit and try and read the clues the men are obviously givng her when they aren't that interested.

I know, in reality, I won't say anything, just carry on cringing and then being here for her with a box of tissues when it goes tits up again.

OP posts:

MoomieAndFreddie · 24/09/2012 19:25

While I think the talking about baby names etc is going a bit far :o am very inclined to agree with anditwasallyellow

TheCraicDealer · 24/09/2012 19:27

Frankly I'm relieved at the "24 = baby" thing- where I come from if you're not with a suitable candidate by that age people start intimating that you should be thinking about buying a cat and a rocking chair. So thank you for reminding me it's not actually the case [24 in a fortnight]

If I were a fella a woman getting on like that would make me think she was after a wedding, not a marriage. Or a sperm donor, not a co-parent. The first few dates are the fun bits!

MoomieAndFreddie · 24/09/2012 19:28

I'd hate to be "dating" again

the last time i was "dating" i was a single mum of one and honestly did not care about settling down or marrying. and i think it showed in my confidence as i had men flocking TBH (not being big headed, i just think it was to do with my attitude)

although when i met now DH within weeks he had moved in and we had DD before our 18 month anniversary :o

crackcrackcrak · 24/09/2012 19:30

I have 2 friends like this -one found a lovely bloke who thought she was perfect despite being slightly deranged and they have a dc and are about to get married. She is as mad as a box of frogs but he adores her and I'm chuffed to bits.

The other one has had no such luck though she does go after v unsuitable men. She does the crazy textathon until she puts them off but can't see the wood for the trees

HoratiaWinwood · 24/09/2012 19:31

But she isn't planning a marriage, just a wedding. She isn't planning a family, just naming dollies.

I don't think it is desperate but I expect it is off-putting.

My understanding is that one is far more likely to meet The One through mutual interests. So you should really be encouraging her to pursue interesting hobbies that might coincidentally lead to love, marriage and babies. Dancing? An evening class? AmDram? Community choir? Anyway, you get my drift.

anditwasallyellow · 24/09/2012 19:33

I definitely agree with the whole 'go to be happy with yourself' before you can actually meet and be happy with someone else. Noone can come and rescue you if you're unhappy. I know somebody who really want to settle down but is going on endless dates and has now resorted to just giving people 'a chance' who she doesn't even really like and hoping they'll grow on her.

But at the same time I don't really believe in playing games and I think it's fine to say you'd like a future with the right person, at least that way you can weed out the ones who are in it for nothing serious.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/09/2012 19:35

I don't think cote meant to be patronizing? I get what she means. She's looking back.

I do think that it's usually best to give someone balanced advice - there's no harm in her hearing that it's ok not to settle down, and ok to relax and do fun things a bit, and that is (I think?) what some on here are saying.

quoteunquote · 24/09/2012 19:36

OP, there is someone out there for her, I have a male friend who is desperate to meet someone, marry and have a family, he gets too over enthusiastic and scares them off,

He had a long term relationship 10 years, they had a series of miscarriages, then a still born, she left,he waited years for her to come back,it's taken a long time for him to get back on the dating track,

he is good looking,super fit, great job, great house, he just gets carried away too quickly, he is desperate to meet someone, he is just hitting 40, and is panicking, he goes over the top romancing women, falls hard, when they feel smothered,

we keep trying to persuade him to take it slowly, but he just wants someone to love.

the thing is he would be a faithful husband who would cherish and adore, he just has to be slower in his approach,

I feel so sad for him.

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