Lift sharing

[theredhen]

I live in a rural area and DS goes to a school outside catchment. It means that DP and I are responsible for getting DS to and from the bus stop each morning and evening.

Our neighbour has a DS who has started at the same school this year and they approached us about lift sharing, as it seemed to make sense.

My DS is in year 10 and attends a club one evening per week where I pick him up on my way home from work, so I thought it would be fair for me to offer to do the morning lift sharing as there would be one night per week, that I wouldn't be able to pick up. I made this clear from the beginning.

With hindsight I was too quick to volunteer the mornings as it seems the neighbour is only able to do a maximum pick up of 2 or 3 nights per week. So we are doing 5 mornings and getting 2 or 3 evenings.

The other issue, is that the neighbour has only been telling us in the morning whether she can pick up or not that evening, leaving DP and I having to frantically arrange alternative pick ups or alter our work around.

So, I specifically asked neighbour by text if she will be doing pick up on a certain day this week, as DP and I can't do it without arranging an alternative, she replied that yes, she can, but she can't do 2 other days at all from now on.

I therefore suggested that she do 1 morning per week, as that seems fair to me that we are both doing 4 runs each.

She has just text me back and said that mornings are not good for her.

So am I being unreasonable to go back and say that I only think it's fair that she does her share? Lift sharing is supposed to be just that, and that 2/3 lifts per week are not helpful (especially if I have no idea when they will be) and we are gaining very little as we are still having to be on standby in case she lets us down, whilst giving her 5 mornings a week to still be in a dressing gown whilst she waves her DS off.

No, Yanbu.

You need to talk to her and arrange a fair split, and that you need to know which days you are doing. Otherwise it wont work for you at all.

I think I'd be tempted to ask her to look at her schedule again, and if she really can't organise herself to split the lifts equally then it's going to be x amount per week in petrol costs. End of.

I would be tempted to say "let's just leave it". As you say, a lift share is a share ie it should be equal.

You may find that when you suggest leaving it, suddenly she is able to do mornings (what was she going to in any case if you had been unable to share - the cynic in me thinks she may be trying to pull a fast one - but I'm probably being unfair, it's just I get riled a little too easily sometimes!)

Why can't you just tell her that as it's proving quite tricky to firm-up the arrangements it's probably best if you both just sort out your own children according to you own needs?

YANBU. She's taking advantage of you.

I agree that you should ask her to either split the lifts equally, or give you money towards petrol.

I'd be tempted to price a taxi company and ask if she would like to pay half of that on the days that don't suit either of you.

How far away is bus stop? Can't they walk? You could say your ds wants to walk to stop from now on, so the arrangement is off.

Lift sharing, yes been there done that. Won't be doing it again.

I'd just drop the arrangement altogether. She doesn't sound like she's currently too concerned about being a good neighbour/sharer and that sort of basic attitude is unlikely to change. I reckon you'll likely just continue to have problems - albeit maybe different ones.

Puppy, the bus stop is 5 miles away, so I don't feel that walking is an option.

I think I'm going to suggest dropping it. I've never liked lift sharing either, and I'm being reminded why. Thought I would give it a try.

Although I'm very tempted to drive DS to school tomorrow morning and then tell neighbour with 1 minutes notice that DS is off ill!

Ooh crikey, 5 miles away. I thought you were going to say a 15 min walk or something.

yy be really unreliable etc for a few days until she gets pissed off with you.

If it was a 15 min walk, trust me, ds would be walking!

I think if your initial agreement is to do equally, then she should be honouring that.

Maybe next time she says she can't pick him up one night she's mean to be say something along the lines of "oh yes, I was going to speak to you about that night. I've got to take ds to so I was going to say you didn't need to pick him up."
If she asks if you can pick her ds up, you can't because you're not coming back home...

Having said that lift sharing can work that isn't always equal. I have a couple of lifts that I do more often because they childmind and have to drag 5 protesting little ones out . I could say I'd only do it if it's fair-but I'm doing it anyway so picking up their dc isn't any problem at all.
And dd1 has a lift to school and back from someone who drops/picks up their dc on the way to or from work. However, I did say to them if they've ever got meetings/car problems/other problems then to let me know and I will make sure I can do it. (and that's happened a few times, which I'm glad about) That way they're getting something back, as it's awkward buses back for their dc. If they weren't going to/from work I would expect to be doing much more even share of the journeys though.

Agree, tell her it is not working out and you should just sort yourselves out from now on.

I do lift share with a friend as our primary school dc go to a school 10 miles away. However as we are good friends we work it out reasonably. I do slightly more pick ups than her but U have 2 dc and she has 1. Also my youngest is in P1 and needs collecting at the school door whereas the other two she could wait in the car for.

Feeling particularly bad today as it is pissing it down and she will have to stand in it to collect ds2.

Agree that you drop the lift sharing and let her sort her own child out, she's taking the mick!

"the neighbour is only able to do a maximum pick up of 2 or 3 nights per week. So we are doing 5 mornings and getting 2 or 3 evenings."

So, this means that you are doing 5 mornings and 2? So 7 lifts and get 2 or 3 in return?

Just tell her it is not working for you and get out of this agreement.

I think you should stop lift sharing - this early in the term, if she cannot play nice, its not going to get better. SOme people pay lip service to lift sharing, when gradually it becomes you doing all the lifts and them doing all the sharing.

Stand firm now, and you might find she starts to do her bit.

I have been lift sharing for 5 years with a friend of mine, we have never felt that the other one was taking the P*ss and she helped me out hugely a couple of years ago when I broke my arm and couldnt drive at all. In return, if her child is ill, I happily collect him and keep him here until she gets back from work.

No her ds is at a club on those two or three evenings so she can't be here to pick ip my ds and at the school to pick up her ds from club. My ds does a club one night a week, so I couldn't pick up her ds that day either. I don't have a problem with the club thing, I do have a problem with the sharing not being equal.

"Mornings aren't good for her." How cheeky! Mornings would have to be good for her if you weren't around!

I would cancel the share, since she isn't actually wanting to share the work.

Or both boys could just cycle to the bus stop and you'd both be off the hook.

This woman does not actually want a lift share. She wants you to take responsibility for getting her child to and from school, so she does not have to!

Just tell her that the lift share does not really suit you.

I agree with most - you need to have a conversation along the lines of asking her to make up her mind. Presumably you've managed fine for the first 3 years, so could cope without her 'help' again, whereas she is the one that approached you and asked in the first place.
I'd certainly say 'These ad-hoc changes don't work for me, and neither does the fact that we seem to give your dc 7 lifts against the 3 that you give our dc. I'd like to either firm up some fair and equitable days for lifts, or just resort to us sorting our own children out, and just phoning the other in some kind of emergency situation. Which would you rather do?'

I would also cancel the arrangement. I find in lift sharing there's often one cheeky bugger who just likes to try for what they can get.

erm..... there are 10 trips that have to be made 5 morning/5 evening -

if you don't lift share you both have to do 10 trips.... seriously...... what's wrong with one person doing more - you are going to school in the mornings ANYWAY - why not take the other child..

We do drop offs for dd and friend - kids get bus home... we do 3 mornings, they do 2 - just how it works for us.... I do not keep score... If we didn't lift share it would cost more on the bus, or there would be 2 cars going every day.... we would do all 5 days if necessary - without asking for money - we go there anyway, costs no more to have another on board - benefits a friendship greatly.....

hey ho - if it doesn't suit you stop, .....but it does sound a bit petty..

But I'm still having to be on call every evening as well as doing every morning. I work and have to fit my work round school run. I can't work extra because I don't know if she will pick him up, so I'm at the pick up point virtually the same time as her anyway! I'm saving nothing at all, she is saving half the trips and she's a stay at home mum, so not like she is out anyway.

She is a sahm is she. That explains it. She reckons you can do the mornings as you are up and dressed already, whereas she would have to get dressed and ready to go out. Isnt it funny, how working mothers just have to take responsibility for the childcare issues of sahms.

Bytheway if it was a 3/2 split, then I'd agree it was petty. But this is much more one-sided and prone to last minute let-downs.

Ditch the plan. Although you might have to develop a thick skin when you're both reversing off the drive at identical times in the mornings in future!