to stick to my guns for the first time ever

[fortoday]

I have a very turbulent relationship with my mom, starting when my parents divorced and then my father dying leaving an estate to myself and my sister, they had been divorced 5 years and she had since remarried, although she felt she was entitled to his money.
Anyway fast forward 7 years later she was always a narcissitic mother- and i am now in counselling to deal with the ill effects of my childhood and adulthood.
She exploded at a family dinner over xmas, in front of my youg children, physical and verbal, terrified my children, said I was responsible for my fathers death etc etc.. (he was an alcoholic, I was his carer from the age of 18- 23)
She has not apologised but I have relented in allowing her to see the children. In the summer she said that she doesn't want contact with my dh (has never intervened or had an ill word to say about my mom, my mom has admnitted she is jealous of my mil etc thats why she doesn't like him??!!!)
She said her relationship with me is purely so she has access to the kids- fine.
Anyway she has been away with business for 8 weeks, she has returned and in true narcissitic style she has called and asked to come over at the weekend, while my husband is there, to see us.
My husband who has hasnt seen her since xmas when she took a knife to me, has said he would go out.
I am not forcing him out of the house so she can come here when it was her who said no to any form of relationship with us as a family unit.

so in response i have said no- am I being unreasonable as I do feel guilty but then on the hand I can not keep allowing her to manipulate us to get her own way.

So i have suggest her come here when my dh is at work which he doesn't object to, but children are at school until 3.30pm, she has said no come to me which is a 20 mile round trip, with two knackered kids, my dds are shattered after school, want their tea, have homework and want to chill...

Agree with avivabeaver, she will never be the mum you want her to be.

When she hit and abused you in places that no one would see, she wasn't protecting the truth, she was protecting herself.

I think you should probably move this thread to relationships, there is a lot going on. However

I wouldn't let my children see anyone who behaves like this. The knife incident, where she threatened you in front of your children, how can they ever feel safe when she is around. Please think carefully, you will never please this women, think only of yourself and your family.

How would you want your DH to handle this?

From his point of view, he sees the woman he loves being bullied and manipulated and abused by someone else. He was forced to witness the woman he loves be threatened with a knife in front of his children. That is a genuinely horrifying spectacle.

Now, if the person doing the bullying/abuse/threatening was a random stranger in the street, your DH would probably want to step in and protect you from the danger. If some random lunatic person threatened the woman I loved with a knife, I'm not sure what my reaction would be but it would likely be explosive.

Yet because this person doing the threatening and the bullying and the manipulation is your mother, she seems to be getting a free pass in being allowed to treat you this way and you are expecting your DH to go along with this.

Your DH is probably feeling horribly conflicted between, on the one hand, wanting to protect you from someone who he clearly sees as the malevolent and downright dangerous threat to his family your mother truly is, and on the other trying to support you and the choices you are making.

So I ask again - how would you want your DH to handle this? I this wasn't your mother but was some random acquaintance treating you like this, would that make a difference?

Does she know about your counselling?
How about telling her that you need to work some things out through this counselling period. No exact timescale to this. When you're done and you feel better in yourself, you will be able to make decisions about your future relationship.
If she really has a "nice side", she will give you space to work through your feelings with your counsellor.

In the meantime, keep your children out of the equation.

How long until she explodes at one of her grandchildren? Will she then threaten them with a knife? Will they/you/dh be prepared to make allowances then too?

I think if she wants a relationship with your children, then she has to do it on your terms, with respect to you and your DH. If that means she can only visit the family home when you AND your DH are there, so be it.

You need to stick to your guns on that.

No compromise. No arguing. Your rules from now on. Good luck. x

YANBU, I really feel for you. Its so hard to be objective when its a family member. I hope you stick to your guns and ideally achieve the family dynamic you deserve. xx

She doesn't want your DH there because he is not under her spell.

(Subconciously) she knows she can't fool him & he will back you up & see her abuse for what it is. Therefore if you are going to see her then it should ONLY be if he is present. Tell her that after her behaviour at Christmas he won't allow HIS children to be anywhere near her if he isn't there to protect them.

However I agree with other posters that avoiding her altogether is probably best for you all.

I understand how conflicted you are and clearly the abuse you suffered has affected your thinking but you need to see that continuing to have a relationship with someone who threatened you with a knife is barmy. Exposing your children to someone like that is irresponsible. Can you see that?

I have often (well, once or twice) been told that I tend to stick up for GPs on here.

Not this time! She took a knife to you??

I wouldn't let her within a mile of my children ever again, with or without supervison.
How did you explain the situation to them anyway?

I'm so sorry fortoday and I really hope your counselling helps, but I can't see this woman ever becoming the sort of parent you need.

just wanted to thank you- I was in a dark place today, went to see my counsellor today and have decided that the effect my mother is having on my family is not worth the continued contact- it will take time and a lot of work on my part but I am confident I can break the ingrained cycle.

I just want to say thank you, I know some of your comments were blunt but I needed that, I have posted on mumsnet when I needed the support and I have to say you lot always come through x

Well done fortoday I really do think you are making the right choice for yourself and your family.

If my mother had 'taken a knife to me' she would not be allowed anywhere near me or my children! I cannot believe your husband offers to go out so she can come round to visit on her terms. Manipulative people are very good at making others feel guilty. You would be better off keeping at a distance. There is a danger she will influence your DCs if she has much contact with them.

Well done OP. I hope you do find the strength to break away.

Come back if you need anymore bluntness support, there's always plenty to go round!

She will never be the Mother you wish her to be.

I too have a Mother like this. She now only sees my DC's 4/5 times a year, for about an hour at a time, on their birthdays, in my house, as I hold the cards here, and can tell her to leave if I need to.

I will not jump to what she wants, she fits around what is convenient to me. And I would NOT be asking any partner of mine to vacate my home so she could be there, OR be visiting her at hers leaving my partner at home. She can be respectful of my life choices or she can stay away.

It takes a lot, but you really DO have to accept that she is never going to be the Mother (or grandmother) that you wish she would be. You have to look impartially at who she IS, and decide if you would accept behaviour like that towards you OR in front of your DC's from ANYONE else. If the answer is no, then there is no need for you to put up with it from her.

Just because she is your mother (and I get the feeling of 'she's my only parent', my dad is also dead), it does not mean that she is allowed to get away with treating you worse than you would accept from a stranger!

If she can't be respectful, and she behaves like this towards you, then put the phone down on her, get up and leave, refuse to visit her, if she is at yours then ask her once to be respectful, and if she doesn't 't then tell her to leave.

You don't have to put up with anything from your family that you wouldn't put up with from a friend, acquaintance or stranger. Your family should treat you BETTER than other people do, not worse.

You might find the 'Stately Homes' threads in the Relationships section on here to be helpful, and a source of ongoing support, OP. they have been good to me in the past when I needed hand holding, straight talking or just someone to vent to!

I hope your ongoing journey goes well, OP, and I hope that like me, a few years down the line, you feel much stronger in yourself. I know that having a parent like this can be very damaging to your self esteem, and it's only once a step or two away from that person that you begin to realise that, and to start to bolster your self esteem and general happiness and well being in all areas of your life.

Much luck!

Great news OP, all the best. It'll be hard but I think it's in the best interests of you and your family if you break free.