MIL

[nothingbyhalves]

Hi, MIL has always been somewhat of a challenge, but last night it all blew up. We go and stay with her quite regularly due to the fact she was widowed last Nov. When we go and stay with her I always make the effort to take food etc as she worries about money. I also don't expect her to run round after the kids, or get up with them. When we go there she has never made a effort at all. We don't even get offered a cup of tea. (If we went to stay with my family my mother would automatically have a meal planned, even if it was just beans on toast or a sandwich). Her idea of entertaining the kids is to put on the tv. Whenever i suggest going to the park etc she tells me to stop trying to be super mum.

This tho is not the main problem. When it comes to our DTs she always goes against whatever we say. examples include using biological washing powder when they were tiny on their clothes and bedding (and yes we did tell her to leave the washing to me! but she would whisk it off when i wasn't looking!!), smacking them when we told her not to, constantly mildly swearing in front of them, cuddling them to sleep when we are trying to get them to self sooth etc etc Basically if we decided to adopt a vegetarian diet as a family she would still feed them meat behind our backs. She is simply petty. If you say the sky is blue she would argue it was black with tartan check!

Last night I put the twins to bed and they didn't settle straight away, but as i have said we are trying to encourage them to self sooth as we have found by going into them winds them up and they take longer to settle. (we have discussed this with her) She walked past me smirked at me and practically ran into their room. When she came out I simply said i wished she hadn't and my husband said he wished she would respect us as parents. She went mad, flounced off to bed slamming doors on the way (it was 8pm) in the morning we told her we were leaving. she refused to say goodbye to DTs and said if we left we were not welcome back. We left. DH has been miserable all day. Sorry to go on , but am I right in thinking her behaviour was unreasonable.

Why are you still worried or even in contact with someone who's smacked your children ???

She can fuck right off.

She should count her lucky stars she's not shat out her own teeth! Cheeky, rude old cow!

You can still be there for her without having to tolerate this awful behaviour. You offer support, on your own terms and leave immediately the moment she steps out of line (you might want to leave your coat on if you visit...)

If she will wilfully disrupt your DCs sleep to make a point to you, would she smack them to do the same?

My MIL lost her husband in 2007 - difference being that when we came to stay (she was in the US) she would do our washing, make a fuss of the DDs, come out with us - it was all we could do to encourage her to let us do some of the cooking and pay for our share of the food shopping!

We lost her in 2011 and miss her every day.

YADNBU.

What Welshmaenad said in first post. How dare she smack your children! That would have been it for me, I would have wanted to pound her into next week!

She sounds like an awful woman, undermining you and your Dh at every opportunity. I wouldn't stay at her house overnight ever again, and I certainly wouldn't let her stay with you. You could count last night as a blessing in disguise, because now she's given you another excuse to drastically reduce the times you see her.

DH is going to see her on his way home from work this evening. At her request. Not sure how it will work out, but we have discussed it and decided that unless she respects us as parents and our wishes, there will be no more over night visits. We will simply visit on special occasions. I was diagnosed with mild depression on friday, I thought she didn't know, but apparently DH had told her, with the hope she would behave. This explains why he was so upset at her attitude.

Ahhh!!! MIL has lied to DH. Claiming she did not go into DTs. SAying I got wrong end of stick. She has turned it all into being about my relationship with her! DH is now saying he wants me and MIL to get together to talk it out. He is fed up with being piggy in the middle. Please advice needed asap!

Your DH needs to grow a pair and choose who to believe - and if he doesn't choose you then he doesn't deserve you. You really need to stand your ground here. If your DH doesn't like being piggy in the middle there's a simple fix - he chooses you.

ask him to seriously consider the implications of his mother still lying about.United front and all that,

I'd tell him there is no " middle" because he can maintain a relationship with her and with you, but you have no interest in a relationship with her

Why would you 'get together' with someone who tells lies about you to your husband? And by the sound of it slags you off to your husband.

And why does your husband tolerate her repeatedly slagging you off. Why does he keep going back there to hear her criticising his wife?

Your DH wants to keep everyone happy but it doesn't sound possible here.

She needs some very clear boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour.

So it like / not like -o-

Well then talk to your MIL and sort it out. Tell her why you were hurt and ask her what issues she has with you.

Your DH is not disbelieving you. He just wants the two of you to talk things out. Nothing wrong with that.

And after that you can do what you deem appropriate.

I'd talk to her, but only with him there

You should give your mil a break. It's less then a year since she lost her Husband, which is a huge trauma in anyone's life, so what if she has been less then perfect with her grand children. They are not made of glass, and the odd night of having Granny pop in to their room is not going to ruin their sleep pattern forever. Cut the poor woman some slack, let her spoil her loved grand children now and then, it might just take away some of the pain she feels at her loss of her husband. I am constantly amazed at how precious some mums on here are!

I think meeting with her separately is a bit pointless if she'll only lie to your DH about what is said. Both of you meet with her and tell her what is acceptable/what is not, and if she lies to him then then you'll be able to pull her up on it straight away. DH can't be washing his hands of the problem, he is right in the middle of the problem isn't he, if it was just you and her you could tell her to shove off and never bother seeing her again!

Agree that giving them the odd cuddle is not the end of the world but it sounds as though she is deliberately going against what you want. She may feel that she knows best but she had her chance to parent when she had her own kids, these are your and DH's children and your rules should be respected.

I also wouldn't have overnight visits, give it a rest until your relationship is better.

Mooskit

I agree that bereavement is horrible and that some of her behaviour is probably exacerbated by this

But

This has been going on before her dh diesel, she has hit the children, she undermines the parents, on purpose, and lied about it

Died, not diesel ( Stoopid iPad)

OK, so maybe you should talk to her alone. But I'd go in there with a digital audio recorder and say 'I'm sure you won't mind if I record this conversation so that there won't be any little misunderstandings about who said what'.

"smacking them when we told her not to".
This could easily be a small tap on the hand when about to touch something hot, or an electrical item - I do not for one moment think it ment a full on slap.

I would like the OP to clarify the smack comment.

What has become of tollerance for different generations? Is it really a big deal that someone uses biological washing powder, given the thorough rinse cycles on machines today? Mild swearing! Hot damn... May I roast in hell!!

Cuddling them to sleep... Well perhaps this was more to do with coping with her own grief and it is hardly a huge crime since they only stayed over a day or two, and let's be honest, the children would have been out of sorts anyway as they were 'out' of their normal routine. I truly think some Mums needs to grow up a bit, and recognise that family life means embracing the whole family... Warts and all.

The OP doesn't say a tap Mooskit it says smacking them.

Not that it would matter - if the OP and her DH have asked her not to smack the dt's then she needs to stop smacking them. And while she's at it stop slagging off the OP to her husband, telling lies, refusing to say bye to the dt's... She sounds like a 2 year old.

So determined to defend her Mooskit. Are you a MIL? You mention tolerance for different generations. You mean cos shes older she can do as she pleases? I don't see the MIL in this question embracing the OP.

And Mooskit bio washing powder is a major trigger for eczema flareups. So not faddy at all but a genuine health issue.

never had to smack/hit/slap/tap/punch a child to stop them touching an electrical item/run into the road/touch a fire. This old chestnut comes up all the time

She 'd never see my dc again tbh, and it'd be made clear to her why.