to tell this mother to get over herself next time I see her?

[NapaCab]

So yesterday it was the end of summer party for the mothers' group I'm in and when we came in, I saw one of the mothers and said hi. She said hi and then said to DS (in my arms) 'hey DS! Are you crawling yet? Or crawling properly, I mean?'. Then later on she commented again that he was army crawling, not 'proper' crawling.

Our sons have almost the same birthday (October) and every time I see her she makes some comment on milestones or progress they're making. Her son is walking already and she keeps making a point of this. Clearly she's very competitive and hung up on these things and so far I've tried to ignore her but yesterday I really was quite hurt that she wanted to point out my son's (in her head) 'lack of progress' in front of everyone and make a point of it. She made me feel really self-conscious especially since DS is one of the few in the group who isn't walking yet.

Should I say something to her next time I see her (it's not a competition, get over yourself) or just ignore, ignore, ignore??

[Thumbwitch]

Tethers -

Kungfu -

ceeveebee - bet that shut her up!

[EldritchCleavage]

Oh God, I remember this crap. DS didn't walk until 19 (and a half) months, and I got all this shite (even from strangers in the park), to the point where I had to ring my mother afterwards for metaphorical face slappings to snap me out of worrying about it.

In public though, I was all serenity. Never let on to the competitive brigade that you give a monkey's toss for their child's superior abilities. It winds them up no end. They are insecure. They need that little jolt of pleasure they get from seeing the sudden look of worry on your face, because it keeps their insecurity at bay. Smile a lot. Say little, and keep to non-sequiturs (to whatever bollocks they've just put on you), things like 'He's such a joy' and 'Look at his little face', or 'He's just started giving me slobbery kisses, it's hilarious'. They'll be left seized with anxiety about your secret to mothering confidence and your clearly superior relationship with your child. Hah!

[mum4041]

Maybe just me then. Probably not because I'm very kind YouMay (but thank you!), but it's the kind of situation where I repeatedly put my foot in it, although I don't think I've ever been as bad as the op describes.

One group I went to a grandma was there with her grandson and she spent a full hour talking to me about his allergies and how worried they were about him starting nursery. I saw her again a couple of weeks later and enquired how he was doing to which she said something a bit like "what the hell has it got to do with you" although I can't remember her exact words.

Thank god I don't have to go to toddler groups any more. And I have learnt my lesson, I'm Mrs mute at school events/meetings. I have perfected the art of looking interested and smiling but not actually saying very much.

[DixieD]

Oh mine never did anything early so I never got a chance to develop the competitive streak. On the other hand apparently I was very precocious and did everything first. This gave me a handy response ' oh no DS isn't walking yet. I'm not worried, it means nothing. I walked at 9 months and I'm thick as shit!'

[MumofWombat]

Luckily my mothers group wasn't particularly competitive as my DS was the last to get teeth, crawl & walk. He crawled at 11 months.
DS had his development checked over his first year as we spent time in the neonatal ICU when he was born. Whilst his gross motor skills were behind the average (but not enough to be out of the range of averages) his fine motor skills and language development were way ahead. In fact the Dr said she had never seen a child his age pass one particular test. She pointed out that the reason his gross motor skills were delayed was due to the fact that his brain was concentrating on other things and all children catch up by around three years old.
But I know, you can know this but still feel something when other kids are doing things yours are not. I will admit to coming out with stuff like "I'm so happy he stays where I put him" and "everyone I know with two kids says don't try to teach them to walk, keep them in one spot as long as you can".
And I do still get "how much does wombat weigh now?", DS is perfectly on everything on the 25th percentile chart. One child, one day older than DS, is way off the chart and wearing age 3 clothes at just over a year.....

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

Einstein didn't speak until he was 3, and even then he could only speak German. (paraphrasing a Simpsons quote- I might have used it once or twice, having a DS who took longer to speak than his friends... and his dad is German)

DS is only 3 so this is all still fresh in my mind. He might not have crawled quickly, or speak much at all, but he could write and spell like nobody's business from around the age of 2. I never brought it up to people, except when I'd get one of these sort who would just need to comment that he wasn't speaking. Oh, he could speak, but he'd actually just prefer to write it all down for you you nosy cow.

The worst was a woman from my antenatal group who was full-on competitive, entered her baby in modeling competitions and everything then would spam us about it. Yes, we get it, babies are cute.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"To be honest, she does come across as a bit awkward and very insecure about her son and what he's doing."
I'd probably give her the benefit of the doubt, then. Maybe smile at her and say as warmly as I could "You mustn't worry too much about when the 'milestones' are supposed to happen. Every baby is different. Throw away whatever parenting book has got you so hung up on it."


DS didn't walk until he was 22 months. Luckily my sensible HV had already told me to expect him to be late to walking as he was a bottom shuffler (never crawled, ever.) In her opinion, shufflers didn't feel the need to walk as much as crawlers did, as they could move quickly enough without bothering to walk.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

mtm4041.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Or mum4041

[TandB]

The funny thing about Competitive Mum was that DS1 did actually do most physical things way ahead of the other babies in our group - he was rolling over at a few weeks old, commando crawling quite early and walking at 10 months. But he could also sleep for Britain so he was always napping when I met her so I don't think she believed me!

I would mention that he had started crawling a couple of weeks earlier and she would still carry on asking me if he could roll over yet.

Very odd. Hence the ridiculous responses.

If she'd stuck around she would have had a field day with DS2 who has decided that babbling is for wimps and refuses to make any noise other than "dada" and "MMMMMMMMmmmmmmm!" with a few raspberries thrown in for good measure.

I can just imagine the questions.....

[Tanith]

The Competitive Mummy in our group stopped her milestone counting and pseudo-concerned suggestions of a physiotherapist/speech therapist very abruptly.
DS had started reading at age 2

Poor dear never recovered from the trauma - haven't seen her in ages

[Flobbadobs]

I don't go to these groups for partly this reason. I had it in massive amounts from MIL with my 2 eldest, DS commando crawled for ages then just stood up one day and ran across the room, DD1 bum shuffled for ages, cruised a bit then walked. No biggie for us but the comments we got were amazing! "Oh dear he'll never walk properly if you let him crawl like that" and because DD was slowish to talk "it's such a shame, she can't talk properly"... DS now plays cricket and football at district level and DD1 frankly doesn't shut up....
Your friend is being massivley U, avoid at all costs!

[CuriousMama]

I remember a toxic CM who minded a friend of mine's dd. The dd was 1 and the CM was ranting on saying something's not right I've never known one not be walking at that age?? She walked just after anyway but I found it so ridiculous. She didn't realise I was friend's with the mum. I didn't tell the mum but did hint I wasn't keen. The mum found out what CM was like soon after and removed her dd from CM's care. She only went to the CM a couple of days a week to give the mum a break as she had bad depression, so I wasn't going to add to any distress by telling her what toxic had said.

[LtEveDallas]

I said this on another thread - but this is classic 'Tommy Two Shits' behaviour.

You had one shit, they had two
You went to Tenerife, they went to Elevenerife.



I'm loving Hecate's suggestion, but I'd probably just go for something like "I'm making the most of it - I'm sure I'll be wishing he'd sit down and shut up soon enough!"

[CeliaFate]

Be the bigger person. She's insecure about her son's development. You're not.
Next time she says anything say, "No he's not doing that yet. He'll do it in his own time, just as they all do."

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

LtEve You went to Tenerife, they went to Elevenerife.

am laughing at this far more than I should be. :)

[Hanah40]

Raise an eyebrow and rise above it. If she's sad enough that she has to appropriate her child's accomplishments (rather than having any of her own) she's not worth worrying about.

[dysfunctionalme]

Presumably she is not aware that late walking is linked with high achieving? (Not that you can claim late at 11m, try back in 6m)

[FloppyWire]

Loving this thread!

It's actually my own Mother who's guilty of this. DD2 is 6 months and DM has started again with (did this with DD1 as well)

"Ooh Floppy, is she still not crawling yet? You know you were 5 months old when you crawled. Never mind, she'll get there eventually" < fake sympathetic tone >

I refrain from pointing out what good it did me, what with me being an academically average fat arse and all

[dysfunctionalme]

FloppyWire - any mother over 60 will claim their child crawled at 5 months. This information appears to be inserted with the menopause.
They also slept through the night and were generally easy as pie.

[tethersend]

My DD didn't walk until 20 months.

[MaryRose]

Silly cow. Just ignore her. I remember this once with my DD2, there was a mum like this who did this kind of thing all the time,she actually said directly to me that her son seemed very advanced both mentally and physically compared to my DD who was a similar age (they were 6 MONTHS at the time!!!). I think it was a lack of self-esteem with her which she was projecting onto her son. Of course I take no pleasure in the fact that now at age 8 my DD is top streamed for everything and hers DS bottom set, that would just be childish and wrong

[FloppyWire]

dysfunctionalme She's only 52 so can't blame that! Although she does do the "You and your brother were sleeping through the night by 5 weeks old!" horrified tone when I told her DD1 didn't sleep through until 16 months. She conveniently forgets to mention the Vallergan she gave us every night to 'help' us sleep