stopping paying for nursery

[filthycute]

ExP and I have a 2 yr old son, we both work - me in a regular 9 -5 him in a shift, not fixed, random but full time role. We are assuming shared care of our son.
I am currently paying for 4 full days 8 - 6 at nursery, ExP contributes nothing towards this, we assume financial responsibility on the days that DS is with us, so there is no maintenance payments.

I am also paying off a debt that ExP and I accrued through a period of his unemployment (18 months) this covered his living expenses, car, child maintenance payments to his ExW.

ExP has also borrowed from me considerably since we spilt to pay house deposit, furniture etc none of which he will even discuss paying back.

Any hoo I have been trying to engage him in a conversation about money for months, he won't respond to e-mails, drives away if I try to talk to him in person, I have written, he ignores it, So out of frustration I have told him in an e-mail today that I am going to withdraw DS from nursery one day a week - Tuesdays as for the past 5 months he has had DS every Tuesday. This will reduce the money I am paying out by £150 per month.

Well he's gone mad, says that I'm abusing him, trying to control him, that I can't assume he will be there for DS and that I will still have to take responsibility.

Was this unreasonable of me?

If his shifts are not fixed, how do you know he'll continue to be able to have him on Tuesdays?

He does sound as though he needs to dig deeper into his pockets though

Not unreasonable no. I would however, take DS yourself on that day. I wouldn't trust a man like that to have shared care.

Hi Worra, I don't know about his work pattern changing, I just don't know how else to get some contribution from him, maybe I'm being childish, but I feel like he uses his job to control me. For example my punishment today because of the e-mail is him refusing to collect DS for the first weekend in 6 months. I now have to cancel the first evening out with friends I have planned since DS was born.

If you feel you're not getting your fair share can you not go to the CSA? I thought shared care meant 50/50 on costs and that's it? if that's not happening then he should pay maintenance surely?

Joint parenting goes beyond whose house DS stays at. I think you need to get a solicitor and probably the CSA to help you sort out a fair financial agreement for the loans, maintenance & child-care rather than this casual freeloading arrangement that you are currently tolerating. When you've got a man that doesn't want to cough up, you need to stop engaging, stop appealing to his better nature & get the law on your side

And don't lend him any more money.... that was a daft thing to do.

Your whole set up is crazy and favours him in everyway. Ofcourse he will kick off.

What days does he take DS? If they arent set, how many in a week? If its 50/50 then childcare costs should be split. If its not you need to go through CSA.

STOP LENDING HIM MONEY. Its not your place. Have you any proof that you lent him this money? Have you proof that the debt from when you were together is also his? If you do you could take him to small claims.

Put your foot down now. This man is taking you for a mug.

Thanks all for the replies, I'm so frustrated, I'm sitting here seething, he is supposed to have DS today for the weekend, he is now refusing, says he won't be in if I turn up. He is such a prick. I won't lend him any more money, no I can't prove they were joint debts he used my credit card. I could prove I gave him money, but no proof it was a loan.

I just want to have nothing to do with him, he turns everything around - that its me in the wrong all the time, if I protest I am punished, but I can't do anything about it.

He is abusing you. Financially and emotionally.

I couldnt possibly tell you to stop him seeing your DS. Thats your call. But you need to do whatever you can to take back some control.

He is manipulative and you need to put your foot down. I realise this is easier said than done, because he obviously is well-practiced in manipulation.

Stop giving him money. There is no reason for you to do this.

Surely you can speak to CSA about sorting out actual payments from him? Do you have a legal arrangement for shared custody, or is this just something he worked out you worked out for yourselves?

It isn't you he is punishing its your ds.

i think you need to go to csa.

You need to formalise everything. It's unfair on your ds to think he is going to his dads and then it not happen. Who has ds the most nights?

Do you have any contact with your ex's parents? Ring them and ask them if they would like to see their grandson, at short notice because his father is a bit of a twat.

I would continue to pay for nursery, because it sounds as if you need all the days to be covered due to your own job. You are stuck with repaying the credit card, so put that down to experience and never let anyone else run up debts that you are legally liable for.

You shouldn't have lent him any money - unless you legally own the assets which were paid for using that money (car?) then you may have to write that off too.

I would see a solicitor and formalise a fair agreement.

I would also be inclined to cut of his access. That will get flamed on here, but I strongly believe that you don't get to cherry pick the bits of parenting that you fancy doing - you either do the shit work too (paying nursery, for example) or you get to do none of it.

im totally in agreement with karma and would like to add that you do not have a legit shared care arangement shared care means both parents take equal responsability for dc's. you take all the responsability but he claims he shares you also appear to have taken responsability for him being able to support himself.

I can't see stopping the father from seeing his child ending very amicably.

It would only escalate the situation.

Don't you get tax-credits for the childcare?

Who gets the child-benefit and tax-credits at the moment?

P.s. have you considered a childminder as a cheaper alternative to nursery?

Also, when will your ds be 2&1/2? most pre schools take them from this age now, so it may work out alot cheaper for you to use a childminder to drop son at pre school and collect.

i pay £8.20 per session at pre school for dd, i am a childminder and if it is a case of having a child for an hour or two and do pick up and drop off at school i charge flat rate £20.

Can't advise on the rest of it but I'd send an email to him saying "thanks ever so much for letting me have ds this weekend. As you know I miss him so much when he's at yours. We've had a lovely day going to the park and seeing all his friends! Don't worry - I explained that Daddy had to work this morning and he understood."

It's hard for him to punish you if you tell him that your punishment was a treat!

Also, try to have all correspondence via email - it's handy to have a paper trail when discussing money he owes you and expenses he has failed to pay. You never know if you will need these things later.

i would make sure that your record that he refused to have his child today. stae in an email, can i just be clear that your are refusing care of your son today. make sure it is written, you may need it in times to come to prove that u are providing x care and that he is not reasonable.