to expect my dh and dm to stop putting me in the middle

[Fairylea]

I'm so fed up. My Dm is, I accept, a difficult woman.

My dh doesn't like my Dm and will openly moan if I even say she is popping round to see the children.

I'm fed up with the negative atmosphere all the time. We have spent two evenings this week arguing about her and we only see her usually oneday a week for a couple of hours if that. I am an only child and she lives alone so I like to include her.

My Dm doesn't seem to like my dh much either and they constantly clash. For example we have a baby son who is the spitting image of my dh but my Dm never wants to admit this in conversation and if anyone suggests it she ignores them. This drives my dh mad.

She will send texts asking me when dh is working so she doesn't see him. I am beyond fed up. I feel like both of them are pulling me in different directions.

I could go on and on but what do you do when your dh and Dm don't like each other ??

Am I asking too much to expect them to put up and shut up for my sake??

I think you need to tell your dh to respect the fact that you want to continue to have a relationship with your mum. From your op it sounds like you maybe see her once a week. He should be able to accept this without whining in private to you and putting pressure on you. Your mum probably asks to come when he is t work because she knows it causes tension when he is there. My dp is not keen on some of my relatives. In some ways I agree with some of his moans. However I tell him to shut up and accept they are part of my life. I don't make him spend lts of time in their company but he does need to be welcoming on occasions and suck it up. In return I am Emily and welcoming to his family. It's about being an adult. I also think if you give into your dh pressure and moans you are allowing him to control your relationship with your mum. I wouldn't allow this to happen.

Your mum has, in the past, been very involved in your life (living with you etc) and coincidentally, your bid for independence coincided with you meeting dh. It is easier for your mum to blame dh for these changes than to admit she is perhaps a bit full on and it is natural for children to not want to spend all their adult lives with their parents. I think you need to stress to her that some of the decisions/opinions are yours and not just dh's.

As far as your dh is concerned, is he a bit full on too, with expressing his opinions when he knows they rile her (disapproval of her drinking for example). If so, I would tell him that he needs to consider you a bit more in all this and stfu hold back sometimes on airing his grievances. you know what he thinks, so he doesn't need to tell you every five minutes.

There is NO justification for moaning to you when you mother is visiting just to collect your dd. Tell your dh that your mum is important to you, that you have a right for her to visit and he needs to think about how he is making you feel and refrain from whinging about her.

OK, now I can complain about my own mother, but nobody better bad mouth her to me! There comes a point where it will bug you, because after all you love her regardless of her dogs, drinking etc. Your dh needs to know you don't want to hear it anymore, that it brings you down.

Put your fingers in your ears and "la la la" if he does it.

For example we have a baby son who is the spitting image of my dh but my Dm never wants to admit this in conversation and if anyone suggests it she ignores them. This drives my dh mad.

That is very petty though. Why does it drive him mad? Maybe she just cannot see the likeness- sometimes what is obvious likeness to one person's eyes is just not there to another. However if she did say 'I can't see it myself' he would not like that either so she says nothing, but then she can't win can she?

You need to stop his moaning about her to you- just say you don't want to hear it and walk away.

I havent been in this situation but:

to dh- i know how you feel about DM. I will do my best to minimise the time you spend together but on the understanding that when you do have to, you do not moan and whine. This upsets me- for all her faults she is my mum.

to DM- i love dh and know him better than you. please do not discuss him in derogatory terms or wind him up- it upsets me for all his faults he is by dh.

I think they both sound a bit controlling. All you can do is tune them both out and refuse to be controlled, I suspect. Especially by dh as controlling partners are very bad news and you must not let him cut you off from your family and friends. how does dh feel about seeing his side of the family, I wonder?

Ask your husband whether, in the event of a divorce, he would expect to see your child each week.

Then say, "But suppose my new partner couldn't stand you being in the same house for two minutes for pick-up? Would it be fair of me to sacrifice an important person and relationship in our child's life, because my new partner was insecure and whingey over two minutes?"

Gosh, it sounds very difficult. Mainly driven by your DH tbh. Sounds like your DM is being reasonably sensible about it actually, trying to see you while DH is not there....

You can't force people to get along, especially if they are polar opposites.

If there is room for compromise here, it sounds like your DH has to make the moves though. Honestly, he sounds controlling.

Thanks for the replies.

I think they are both as bad as each other.

I think my dh feels hurt that my mum doesn't seem to bend over backwards to be nice to him. Partially because I think she blames him for me wanting to live without her. She's not really proud of me now that I'm not career woman anymore and chose to be a sahm. I feel like a failure in her eyes.

My dhs family doesn't live very close so we don't see them often. Maybe once a month if that. He's not very close to his mum so I dont think he gets the relationship I have with mine.

Don't worry I would never cut contact with my mum and he knows this.

I would tell him in advance when she is coming round so it isn't a surprise when he comes home early.
I agree that he needs to stop the constant whining about her and just smile politely when he sees her and then get on with something else. He has to accept that you will continue to see your mum and stop carping on about her.

I think you have to accept he doesn't like her and try and arrange to see her when he isn't around, I wouldn't want to see my inlaws for 2 hours a week every week and would feel a bit put out if on my half days my husband invited a relative round regularly who I didn't like. Can't you go to a coffee shop or meet at her house with her sticking the dogs out of the way for a couple of hours sometimes?
I don't think she should never come to your house but weekly visits from a relative you dislike sounds alot and it does sound as though she doesn't accept you have fled the nest and are now an adult as resenting your husband for marrying you and taking you away sounds odd. it also doesn't sound particularly hippy like as hippies are usually laid back about children fleeing the nest. She sounds quite judgemental in her views on your SAHMness and your choice of husband rather than forgiveing and hippylike.

I have a very good idea how your dh feels- my MIL isn't very good at dealing with the fact that her son is a grown up and 'chose' someone else. DH and I have arguments every time we are due to see her, guaranteed.

Anything I do differently from how she would have done it is picked up and commented on in a VERY critical tone. My baby DD apparently looks far more like my "perfect" SIL than she does like me!! It drives me nuts as I feel constantly undermined by her and the implication is that I am not good enough to be part of her family. Her behaviour is basically weird passive aggressive bullying towards me. She's fundamentally a lovely person, just finds the fact that I represent her son growing up VERY difficult to take and I bear the brunt of her insecurities.

It's really her problem not mine; I have been nothing but polite to her. I used to try really hard (making sure she got mothers day and birthday cards etc) but was even criticised for this "interference" in her family. The big stuff (like where we have chosen to live) gets constant jibs at me even after 7 years of being here (no way DH was involved in that decision!!). Even my upbringing is all wrong. Now I just try to lie low, stay below her radar and hold my tongue in her presence!

If I express a joint opinion (mine and DH's) which doesn't tie up with how she sees the world it gets held against me. However if DH expresses the opinion it's not seen so much as my "fault". She's DH's mother, it's his responsibility to pick her up on her behaviour as if I dared to point out that she is not behaving acceptably she would blame me for being unreasonable and it would just make it all worse- not an outcome that either of us want. Being her son, he has far more right to answer back than a slightly unwelcome interloper does- even if it's just pointing out the virtues of our city or how much DD's eyes are like mine.

I think that the only person who can help the situation is you. Both parties need to be civil to each other to make a family work. In front of your DM, emphasise how much you agree with DH re the dogs, even imply to her that it was your idea. Make she knows that you think DS looks just like you DH. It's important that your DM realises that you are happy and chose your DH- he hasn't stolen you from her! I don't envy you your position but I do think you need to do your best to 'manage' your mum to make things easier. However, if DH gets rude to her, pull him up on it as well- it has to go both ways...

We just had a visit at the weekend where DH really did his best on that front and the whole thing was much smoother than usual... :o)