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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU not to collect DD from nursery?

15 replies

schnappy · 21/09/2012 14:47

STBX DP starts work at 6am and finishes at 3pm, usually 2-2.30pm on a Friday. I start work at 9.30 and finish between 5.30 - 6.30pm. This has worked out well as it means I can take DD to nursery and he collects her ? all fine.

This week she has been poorly with a cough, cold etc. She has been happy in herself though so I have taken her into nursery and every day and said if she feels unwell I would collect her, even if she was just a bit fed up and wanted to come home secretly hoping they would call.

Apart from today as I am the only one in the office and have a project which needs to be completed today so under pressure! DP is very aware of this as the job is quite a responsibility and could really help my prospects if I do well. I could have worked on it from home any other day but today need to be office based today.

So, at 1.30 Nursery call to say DD really isn't herself, running a slight temp and need to collect her. So I ring DP only to be told they had already called him 20 minutes previously and he had basically said ring schnappy, I'm too busy. He works as part of a large team doing one repetitive task and could easily have left to collect her. I reminded him of the project, being in office alone etc and pointed out if he collected her it would mean leaving one hour early, which he can make up, whereas I would be taking half a day and landing myself right in the shit at work too. His argument is it would take me 30 minutes to get to her and it would take him 2 hours (which is rubbish, it would take an hour at most!).

After much huffing and puffing he finally agrees to collect her, but makes sure I feel like the world's worst mother for not collecting her first. Very annoyed at the way it seems at times like this, she is my DD and he is doing me a favour by giving up his precious time to collect her. Why is this?!!!! He wanted a DD too; surely she is equally his responsibility? Especially as, technically, he is responsible for collecting her/having her in the afternoon while I do mornings!

So....AIBU to be annoyed at DP for his general crap attitude in times like this? AIBU for not running out of the office as soon as they called to get her? I am now feeling very guilty about this!

Also.. I am supposed to be visiting a friend after work who has just had her PFB, she had a hard time and this is the first chance to see mum & baby, arranged around Hospital appointments, family visits etc. WIBU to still go and see this friend even though it means I would not get home until after poorly DD is in bed? Should I cancel?

I will be in work until at least 7 tonight so thought I'd allow myself a 20 minute respite in order to vent my frustration and benefit from your words of wisdom/advice!

OP posts:

LadySybildeChocolate · 21/09/2012 14:53

YABU for sending a sick child to nursery in the first place. Ds has had this bug, it's vile. The chances are that it's festering in you as well so I wouldn't go and see your friend.

curiousgeorgie · 21/09/2012 14:54

Go and collect her... If you felt rubbish and wanted your mum you'd be pretty upset right about now.

Shakirasma · 21/09/2012 14:56

YAbothBU

You both think you are too busy to collect your poorly DD and think the other should do it.

In the meantime, whilst you two are arguing it out, your DD is feeling terrible whilst stuck at nursery cos neither mummy or daddy want to rush to her and make her feel better!

RaisinDEtre · 21/09/2012 14:56

don't visit the new baby til you are all well, not fair to take germs there

your real prob isn't this incident but your partner's attitude to his responsibilities

MyLastDuchess · 21/09/2012 14:57

I am not sure about the other things but he was definitely BU by asking them to call you, instead of just doing it himself.

Notice how YOU are now feeling guilty, when they first called him and he basically divested himself of all responsibility.

It fortunately hasn't happened with my DS (yet), but I am certain that in a similar situation my partner would let the creche know that it would be sorted one way or another, and not make them ring around trying to find someone who could pick him up.

I would sit him down at a calmer time (maybe on the weekend once you have both had a chance to relax) and remind him that you are co-parents and in this together, both trying to do what's best for your child. Fobbing off the day care by telling them to call someone else is just not on if you ask me. I would never do it and I cannot imagine that my DP would do it either. What if they hadn't been able to reach you? The day care are meant to be caring for your child, not spending time on the phone.

As far as seeing the new mum goes, my only worry would be if that your DD is at all feverish you don't want to be risking spreading germs (newborns are just so fragile). However you are the best judge of whether you are likely to catch DD's illness or not!

I really don't think YABU. But then it sounds fairly normal compared to a lot of my friends' situations. My DP who is an equal parent - if not doing MORE than 50% of the child care - seems to be very much in the minority amongst the men I know

Tiago · 21/09/2012 14:58

Your DP needs to learn that he is equally responsible for your DD. If your DP had refused point blank, you would have collected her, but as it was she was in a safe place and as your DP is responsible for afternoons, it was probably a good time to drive home the point that he has to step up.

crikeybill · 21/09/2012 14:58

Yanbu about wanting DP to pick her up as its clearly easier for him today although I couldnt not go rushing to my DD as the guilt is too much for me

YABU to still go and see your friends PFB. you may have the bug, and also your DD is ill !!!! She needs her mum !!!

Original poster

schnappy · 21/09/2012 15:00

I am bit by your comment Lady as she has been fine, just a bit snivelly? Even the nursery said her temprement has been fine and it was only mid morning today that she started to be a bit fed up - they told me to bring her in and said she has been great, they weren't even sure about asking us to collect her today TBH! Fair point about the visit though, I feel fine but don't want her PFB getting poorly too.

Thanks curious....I feel so much better! Yes she wants her mum, I want to be there for her too! But can't she want her Dad too? Can't he comfort her just as well as I could?

OP posts:

LadySybildeChocolate · 21/09/2012 15:02

You know your child far better than I do. I hope she's on the mend quickly.

Original poster

schnappy · 21/09/2012 15:03

Thanks all - will def avoid PFB tonight!

Me too crikey - I am going to get back to work and try and get what I can done and het home asap.

I just think I feel a bit like what Duchess said - why is it assumed to be totally my responsibility thats all. Of course I want to be with her - wouldn't work at all if I had the choice

Thank you all - back to work now so I can get home asap!

OP posts:

junowiththegladrags · 21/09/2012 15:04

Yanbu about picking her up, he was being a bit of an arse. Why are you feeling guilty? Her dad's on his way and she'll be delighted to see him.

About this evening I'd just check that your friend doesn't mind that you might be carrying a lurgy and leave it up to her. Would still go if she was ok about it.

Original poster

schnappy · 21/09/2012 15:05

Thanks Lady

OP posts:

TalTangerine · 21/09/2012 15:07

I would be very annoyed - it's hard enough on a career being the one to be pregnant and give birth and I really think men should be making the effort to at least be equal about these sorts of things. I suppose I would give him a fair hearing about why he thought he was so busy, then point out how sexist he was being.

crikeybill · 21/09/2012 15:07

Def NBU about the picking up bit. She will be thrilled to see dad

procrastinor · 21/09/2012 15:25

Oh for heaven's sake your DH needs to step up. LastDuchess hits the nail on the head - how come he's allowed to absolve himself of responsibility and youre the one feeling guilty?? Hopefully gone are the days where women are subjugated by all the implications of "all babies only want mommy when ill". No they don't. My DS settles equally well with either me or my DH. Why? Because my DH has played an equal role in caring for DS, both when he's well and when he's not. Babies will learn to only want mom if everytime they have an illness, only mom looks after them - that's a learnt behaviour and not an innate one. Why does this get my goat? Because it reinforces the idea that women should be the one taking time off work if their DC is ill and are somehow less of a parent if they don't. Each parent is equal and the decision about who should go to collect should be based on work commitments and proximity, not who owns a uterus.

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