Longish post, AIBU to have told my friend her DS is bullying my DS and other DCs?

[CastielsTrenchcoat]

First I will point out they are Reception year age. I didn't use the word 'bully' when I told my friend as that would put anyone's hackles up. I said would you have a word with X as I have just seen him push my DS over for the zillioneth time, DS was crying and didn't want to go into school and it would be a shame if they fell out. I told X off (because she wasnt around and her DH didn't see)and he smiled. Anyway, she said she had a word with X that eve. Next day I see him push my son off the climbing frame and DS narrowly missed smacking his head on something. X then went to push DS off the slide next, but I marched over and gave him a look - he smiled! My DS said their teacher told him off the same day for pushing another boy about. I have witnessed very bad behaviour before from her DS, but it has mostly been laughed off by her. As she is nice, this is the first time I have dared to tell her. Other mums have told me X has pushed their DCs about, calls them names, throws toys at them and is generally unliked by most. My friend seems to think he is an angel and there lies the problem. This morning she blanked me at school. I know that no child is an angel, but the othe DCs get on very well in DS's class until X arrives. She clearly cannot see that X's behaviour is wrong, but it looks like I have lost a friend.

He often says he dd and y a boy in his class with ASD. Pushing a child to the ground and shouting horrid things is not playing

Meant tat he often says that the hates another boy with ASD in his class

I think I'm sensitive because I was bullied at high school and get upset when I see children being treated badly by others. It also means I will make sure my DCs are kind to others and behave as I would be mortified if they became bullies.

You're right puds, if another parent had to tell my DS off he would stop doing whatever it was and understand he was wrong, but X thinks it's funny. To be fair to him if there are no repercussions at home he wouldn't take it seriously.

Well it is understandable that you would find the treatment of your son by this boy upsetting castiels

Is the mum not speaking to you now?

Have you spoken to the school about his behavior?

It does sound a bit like all the mothers are gossiping behind your friend's back though.
If everybody was worried about it they should have spoken to the teacher.

I think I will speak to the teacher now puds, especially as he is being dreadful with other people's DCs too. Doesn't help that DS is one of the youngest and so one of the smallest and I think X sees him as an easy target. One of his friends was off school today and his Mum thinks he is being picked on, suspects X. That upset me, he is a lovely, smiley boy. I think I definitely must discuss with the teacher for everyone else's sake. I thought my friend would go mental if she knew I told the teacher, but if she is blanking me now then I have nothing to lose.

Maybe X's mum is too embarrassed to speak to you rather than angry at you for pointing out her DS's behaviour is a problem.

DS1 has Aspergers and at the same age would very probably have done very similar things - as steppemum mentions, (in DS1's case) it was immature social skills due to the Aspergers.

Looking back, I probably did tend to avoid parents of children DS1 had pushed/smacked/been unkind to - but purely out of embarrassment, not anger.

Or maybe she thinks her DS is an angel & you are a wicked witch for saying otherwise.

Sorry should have added that whatever the mum's reasons for not speaking to you, you should carry on raising your concerns with the school.

Even as the mother of a child who behaved in a similar way (due to Aspergers), I can completely see that it is in no way fair on the other children for the situation to be allowed to continue.

The little boy in question also needs help one way or another, even if it is just to be taught acceptable behaviour because his parents have not.

If it was Aspergers then I would be understanding and supportive of my friend, but the things my friend has said before indicate that her and her DH think he is 'being a boy', other parents are 'unneccessarily' strict and 'people in Homebase didn't have a sense of humour when X was running around hitting things with a roll of wallpaper, he was having fun'. . Her DH also rough houses with X a lot. I think X is nice to his 8MO sister though, which seems at odds with his behaviour.

Then he needs the school to teach him acceptable boundaries & his parents need a parenting class or two .

piglet, wasn't refering to your situation but original op. 2 reception aged children. The pushing, as I said might well be him trying to initiate some play wrtestling or something, especially as his dh rough houses with him. Child wants to play, but doesn't get the signals right.

I absolutely agree that it is upsetting and op's ds should not have to put up with it. But I do get sad that small children are seen in black and white terms. The kid may by (of course I may be completely wrong) he may be very immature in his social skills. he is initiating contact with children by hitting and pushing because he doesn't have the skills to do it the right way.

I don't like the label bully for a reception child.

Can understand why your upset, I would try and clear the air with X mum. Silly to fall out about children, they might be best friends in a couple of years!

Why are you so concerned with keeping her friendship? What on earth does as she is nice, this is the first time I have dared to tell her mean?
She is not nice, and you shouldn't have to think twice about telling someone about this sort of behaviour.

I expect X is making school very hard and scary for lots of small kids. I expect the mum is in denial. Do not rely on her for help in sorting things out at school, her child is a serious danger to others and she doesn't care. Do everything through the class teacher, report every incident. Tolerate no violence at all and set an example for your child. The other mums must report X too as between you all it can be sorted out.

Can you keep pointing out what X is doing in the park as it happens? ?Maybe ask her why she doesn't give him time out? Letting him get away with it?

floggingmolly that's what a couple of the Mums said to me this afternoon at pick-up when she ignored me again. I certainly didn't want to fall out and was ready to smile and say hello, but she turned her back to me. She might calm down over the weekend, but my friend thinks she is miffed that others don't see her child as an angel too. I don't know. The whole thing is a shame.

Bluesky Agree it is definitely hard enough for them all starting proper full-time education and getting their heads around it, so they don't need one child upsetting them all. It's a shame as they are a lovely class of children other than X, sure they have the odd disagreement about who has which toy/book etc, but the others seem to resolve things very quickly without name calling or violence!

I work in a reception class, they are all under 5!!

Some are much more mature than others socially.

Don't label children this young, not fair.

Talk to the teacher and tell your dc to avoid this child but quite frankly if he doesn't then that's up to him, we can't be watching ALL the children ALL of the time.

He will probably push the wrong child and get thumped himself and that may be the shock he needs.

Don't gossip about this child with other mums( not saying you are) this child may well mature and grow out of it.

To all the posters who Think their child would never behave like this ever then get real, all kids usually bully at some time in their school careers and most are bullied either physically or emotionally. Generally most kids are generally nice and friendly.

Make sure the school know, give tour child strategies to cope, stick up for himself and offer the mum a friendly smile, sounds like she may need it.

I suspect teh other mother is aware that barely 3 weeks into the new term all the other parents are gossiping about her - come on that can't be nice.

Personally I'd stop talking about the child to other parents and raise any concerns with the teacher. They are still very young.

Agree with thebody. Whilst it's undoubtedly very upsetting that your child is being treated so unkindly, please try not to label the child as 'unkind' or a 'bully'. A 5 or even 6 year old is still trying to navigate social interactions in the best way they can and many just aren't terribly skilled at doing so. I've known many parent judging children of a similar age or younger, only to find theire own children behaving in a similar manner a few months later. Mum is more than likely very aware/embarrassed/upset with her child's behaviour and doesn't quite know how best to manage it. The last thing she needs is other parents ignoring/ex-friending her. By all means speak to the school who might be able to key an eye out and implement a behavioural management programme with the parents if necessary, but if possible try to be supportive or at least polite to mum too. It might be a lonely place for her . . .

i think you should have gone through the teacher.This time next week the boys will probably be best of friends .Some little boys are very wild and rough.I was always just grateful I wasn't their owner.
The best thing you can all do for your sons is to teach them to stand up for themselves.Maybe be a bit stronger so that the other kid physically can't push him off the climbing frame

catwoo Maybe a bit stronger so that the other kid physically can't push him off the climbing frame Should I feed my son lots if pies and crisps so he is so fat he physically can't be pushed over? whilst I agree (and hope) that X may change, a lot of the children are smaller than him and slight, but it doesn't mean they are weak, they are normal DCs. Also, it is not acceptable for X to behave in this way (it is not a one off, it's all the time). End of.

With regards to the friendship, I never wanted to fall out and that's why I was upfront and honest with my friend as X was doing this to my son in and outside of school. I believe a parent should know what is going on with their child. I would want to know if my DS started acting like X because I would not want him to become a bully for his whole school career and an outcast. Some of the other mums know what is going on because they were there on the day I thought enough is enough and DS was sobbing and not wanting to go into school and DS is normally a happy little boy then, although I showed no emotion to DS, once I managed to cheer him up and persuade him to go in, I got upset.

Castiels - it is upestting when your child is hurt but I truly think the best thing to do is go through the teacher. I had similar issues when my eldest started reception but through talking to friends with older children 'go through the teacher' was the advice I was given.

But I would not hesitate to discipline the child in the playground if the mother wasn't/wouldn't. But you said she's nice and just imagine how she must be feeling in the playground at the moment with it must feel like her all the other parents gossiping about what a horrid child she has and what a bad parent she is.

MrsCampbellBlack. I don't know how she feels because she is ignoring me. I would be really sympathetic if she talked to me. As it stands, I don't know if she is cross with me for pointing out her son is no angel, or if she is mortified. If it is the latter then I would help her/listen/be understanding if she wanted to discuss the issue. I didn't realise X's behaviour was upsetting other children at school so much too so perhaps other mums need to speak to the teacher too. Agreed that I will speak to Teacher on Monday.

Good luck with the teacher. When I spoke to the teacher once about a particular child she told me she'd been expecting the conversation as she was aware and on top of what was going on.

Thanks MrsDC I'm hoping that this will be the case.