to think I should be over this and wonder if (and who) I need to speak to someone?

[newmummytobe79]

I feel awful writing this down - and I have posted about it a while ago. But I'm now more than a year on after having my baby and I still can't shake my anger at my inlaws turning up when I was in labour.

I had a dreadful time ending in an EMCS and time in hospital treating both me and baby for infections.

They turned up about 24 hours into labour with a bag of 'goodies' and sat down for a chat for an hour as I puffed and panted and wanted to cry. I was a bit delirious by this stage and wasn't making much sense.

I originally wanted my Mum there but both DH and I decided to go it alone in the end.

After the birth they went on and on about how well I did in labour to my mum which really rubbed salt in the wound and brought back horrible memories for me.

It's made me feel resentment towards them which I hate myself for (as they are generally nice people) and I get wound up by little things they do now :(

I know it sounds a really petty thing to be angry with over a year on but it justs runs through my head every now and again and makes me feel sick.

I don't know why we let them in the room - I guess tiredness had just turned us into zombies.

I'm thinking about calling my health visitor - if only just to voice it out loud and try and rid myself of my angry thoughts. I feel a doctor would either shrug them off or suggest I have issues ... which really scares me!

Any advice from anyone who has been through this?

You might need to explain this more clearly, because at the moment you are saying you can't forgive them for coming to see you, bringing gifts, and saying nice things about you. That doesn't make sense, so there must be something else going on.

I know forgiveness is hard, but I think they meant well. If neither you or your DH asked them to leave, then they probably thought they were doing the right thing. Don't say anything to them about it now - they can't change the past. Just take a deep breath, accept that it happened & can't be changed, and forgive them. Are they good grandparents? That's the main thing!

I think you've possibly linked the sight of your in-laws with a traumatic time. They shouldn't have been there is you did not specifically invite them, but where was your DH in all this? Did he not think to step in and ask you if it was really okay?

I wouldn't have wanted my in laws (or anyone other than DH) at my side during labour. I don't think YABU to cringe each time you see their gurning faces in your mind. Saying THAT they've done nothing bad really, maybe next time it comes up make it clear that if you ever have another child you would find visitors during labour far too stressful, like previously, it may make them stop and consider just how unwanted their friendliness was at the time,.

A difficult birth can be so hard to get over; my eldest was born 13 years ago and it took me years to get over my feelings of anger towards the midwife.

I do think you are projecting displaced anger/hurt about the birth onto your inlaws, blaming them in a way? It's understandable, but perhaps not so fair on them.
It was inconsiderate, a bit interfering and annoying of them to show up like that, but their only motive was surely enthusiasm for their grandchild.
Counselling may help (I wish I had tried it all nose years ago..) and there is no shame in asking your GP for a referral. Lots of people are traumatised after a difficult birth.

Those years, not nose!

Seriously? [hmmm]

What outraged said ^

And more fool you/DH for letting them in.

Thanks for your replies. I think I'm linking it to the birth - and as you say that's not their fault. I shall try and get that into my head!

I also think I feel for my mum - who was then rang by them and asked 'are you going to see baby tonight' when they knew full well she'd be coming at the lunch visiting hour - like them.

I just feel there was a massive competitiveness from the off - which still rears it's ugly head sometimes now.

And, it's not an excuse or reason really, but this was not their first GC, but is my parents.

Yes they are good GP's - so I shall try and stop the thoughts running through my head and appreciate them :)

Although it will be the first thing I put on my birth plan if we decide to/are lucky enough to have any more DC! NO VISITORS IN LABOUR!

hindsight hey? :)

I had a really traumatic birth (nothing like yours mind you!) so in that way I can relate. I agree with aldiwhore that it seems like you might have linked the two things in your mind, because it really sounds like they tried to be nice (though often the best thing people can do is stay away!)

My son is now 2 and it is only in the past 6 weeks that I feel like I have really made progress towards accepting what happened during his birth (thanks mainly to extended discussions with health care providers, due to the fact that I am pregnant again). So I don't think you should be 'over it' by now. These things don't go away unless we do something about them, unfortunately.

I'm not sure whether starting with your HV or doctor would be better, but certainly wanting to talk to someone about it does NOT suggest that you have 'issues', only that you have had a very traumatic experience which you have not yet been able to process. Honestly, talking to the health care professionals who listened to the whole story and said "Yes, well nobody really made any terrible mistakes but a lot of things could have been done better" helped me SO much. In my case I somehow felt a lot of shame, which was not reasonable but was something I had to come to terms with. In your case it may be anger (or may not be; your ILs may behaved badly) and going through it with someone can really, really help.

My friends did their best but "Well you're ok and the baby's ok" is not really that helpful; clearly you are NOT ok if you still have such overwhelming feelings a year later. Mental health is important too!

I'm rambling a bit but YANBU, my unprofessional opinion is that this has become the focus of your traumatic birth experience (like in my case the focus became shame that I didn't 'cope' better). It's sadly not that uncommon, and I think that starting by telling your HV that you still have a lot of strong emotions about the birth and feel like you need to talk to someone about it would be a good start.

They may be "good GPs" but they sound insensitive at best. Nobody should just "turn up" while you're in labour, and they certainly shouldn't have then phoned your mum to gloat about the fact that they were there and she wasn't. I think you need to talk through the birth with someone - it does help to get things out into the open, whether or not you then decide you have something to be angry about or not. You also need to think about your relationship with your inlaws and how you can set boundaries and make a new start with them. After you've had a bit of counselling you can think about whether you want to raise the labour issue with them, or just move on.

I think you are really angry and upset about how the birth turned out. (I can empathise with that) and you are focussing that onto them rather than the birth itself. It helped me to talk through my birth with an NCT group leader. Or have you even talked it over with friends a lot? I have found it helps just to go over it sometimes and each time I seem to let a little bit of the horror go.

Have you spoken to your Mum about how much you wish they hadn't seen you like that? It may relieve your guilt.

They definitely stepped over boundaries to come to the labour ward if they had not been asked and I think you are fine to be annoyed about that. It seems a bit pushy and I would just watch their boundaries and future and bring it up straight away if you think they are pushing you/ your dh further than you feel comfortable with.

Have you spoke to your mum about it? She might not be as bothered by it as you think. I'm assuming she knows that the IL's weren't invited and gate crashed your birth. Maybe she can reassure you.

I totally understand where you're coming from though. I would have felt very out of control in that situation.

Can I ask why DH didn't tell them to get lost? I do think it's odd that anyone would think it was appropriate to just "turn up" when you're in labour.

Can you contact the maternity hospital and ask to speak to someone there who will talk you through the birth and your feelings of having your wishes ignored.

It may seem small to those who havent been in your situation, but it bothers you and your feelings are valid

There was a "Birth Reflections" counsellor at the hospital where I gave birth and while I did not get much help from her, being able to put into words how I felt was helpful.

Call your hospital and ask if there is any birth counselling that they can offer. Putting your feelings into words may help you separate how you feel about the horrible birth you had and why you have directed the feelings towards your in-laws. Don't worry about how long ago the birth was. PTSD can last a long time.

Good luck and you are certainly NBU.

I had a perfectly normal vaginal birth with no problems. In the weeks after, I kept going over it with DH and even now, 3 years on, I still think about it sometimes and some of the unanswered questions about what went on. It's like you need to debrief. And that was a normal one!

I think you need to 'process' the birth and that will help with your feelings towards the ILs, although it does sound like there are some valid issues with them that also need addressing.