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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be really pissed off with BIL and SIL?

25 replies

namechange000 · 19/09/2012 19:28

They had a baby a couple of weeks ago, they have very little money and he can't afford to take the paternity leave pay cut so I've been helping her, bringing them meals etc, taking time away from being with my own DD. Plus we bought them EVERYTHING. (Even the sort of labour essentials and hospital pyjamas.)

They are godparents to my DD.

Last night they called to speak to DH to ask him to be godfather. Just him, not me.

She's asking another female friend who lives in another country.

I felt a bit annoyed about this, then as the night went on, thought we haven't really had a thank you for any of it. (And I know that's not why you do things, but it's still rude.)

For instance, I drop meals off, and I don't get a text later to say thanks or anything, I get 'I've washed your Tupperware for you.'

I'm actually really annoyed. And I feel quite hurt. We are so close with them. (Or so I thought!)

OP posts:

Original poster

namechange000 · 19/09/2012 19:29

I name changed for this as sure she's discovered the joys of mumsnet and would instantly be recognised by my normal name...

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 19/09/2012 19:30

YANBU to feel a bit miffed but it is their choice

Maybe there is someone they are closer to or they wanted to have people in different familes.

The lack of a thank you is rude but when you've just had a baby your mind doesn't always function properly

LadySybildeChocolate · 19/09/2012 19:31

You're an aunty, isn't this enough? I'm sure they are very grateful, it doesn't give you an automatic right to becoming a godparent though (although it's useful if the godparents live close to the child so they can contribute to its upbringing).

Kayano · 19/09/2012 19:31

I wouldnt make a fuss (as it would look bad on you)

But I certainly wouldn't be doing another thing for them and DH would damn well know about it!

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 19:31

Yabu. You don't do favours to get something back.
my church only would allow one godfather and one godmother. Dbro was godfather and bestfriend was godmother.
if they have chose one each, you are not likely to be the person sil wants. She will be closer to other people.

Kayano · 19/09/2012 19:32

It would be the lack of thanks I would be cursing about

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 19:32

Also I essentially emptied my as nursery to give it to dbro and sil, I don't expect to be god parent.

RaisinDEtre · 19/09/2012 19:33

so they are asking the blood relation to be the godfather (your DH)? YABU

wrt being thanked for the lovely stuff you have done, I think the closeness means that you get taken for granted a bit, YANBU about being irked at not being thanked

if wanting to be godmother has been your main motivator for all the help you have given then YABU

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 19:33

Yanbu to expect 'thank you'

Original poster

namechange000 · 19/09/2012 19:34

They are both godparents to our child, and we are really close though.

I do feel stupid about it but can't help being upset.

(and I'm certainly not taking a damn meal round there tonight!!)

OP posts:

HissyByName · 19/09/2012 19:42

Maybe they don't like your cooking?

(Joke!)

twooter · 19/09/2012 19:43

Yabu re the godparent thing. Yanbu to expect a thank you.

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2012 19:46

It's a bit shit not to be thanked for things, but that's separate from the Godparent issue IMO. In our family, it's quite normal for just one 'half' of a couple to be asked to be the Godparent - and they have asked your DH. I guess they've decided to ask one person from each 'side' if DH is the relation and she's asking her friend from 'her' side.

I do think YABU on this, sorry. You are still getting that godparenty link, they're just choosing to do it differently from you and DH.

YANBU on not getting thanked though.

twooter · 19/09/2012 19:47

But lots of people don't choose couples as grandparents for loads of reasons.

Awkwardness if you split.
Spreading the godparenthood around abit
(more presents)

Just because you chose them as a couple doesn't mean they feel any less of you because they didn't reciprocate.
Maybe they wanted a special bond with their friend to make up for not seeing her much.

foolingwithmisskitty · 19/09/2012 19:52

YABU. Help people because you want to help them, not because you want something back in return.

purplehouse · 19/09/2012 19:57

YANBU. Perfectly usual to have 3 godparents and it would have been appropriate for the 3 to be you and your DH and also the female friend you mention.

It sounds like you have done loads for them, not with the expectation of getting something as some posters have suggested. You have done it out of kindness and they have made a muck up with the godparent issue. I would also be hurt and wonder whether:

a) they are not aware of the fact that you can have many godparents or
b) they don't value you as much as you value them.

And I would cut back the help you are giving them if it's b. It is a kick in the face.

TheSkiingGardener · 19/09/2012 20:08

Sounds as though you aren't as close as you thought.

I'd either talk to them about it, or cut back on the help until you get some thanks.

Joiningthegang · 19/09/2012 20:48

Yabu
You don't do things in the hope you will be made a godparent

Hopeforever · 19/09/2012 20:51

Having taken lots of Baptism services it's nt that common for both people in a couple to be Godparents. It is usually just one of a couple, eg just the wife or just the boyfriend.

Their choice

Is nice you have been so helpful to them

Roseformeplease · 19/09/2012 20:57

I would never have had both halves of a couple. Also, would not choose family as they already had a bond with my children YABU. However, a thank you costs nothing and they should be grateful and say so.

DoMeDon · 19/09/2012 21:13

It sounds like you have really put yourself out for them on the basis of your own feelings of closeness. They have accepted on the basis of theirs. The 2 aren't equal. It does hurt when you feel let down by others but it's your choice to feel that way or not. Is the knowledge that you have been supportive and kind not enough?

You sound like a great friend to me. Maybe explain how you feel about the meals (the godparent thing is completely their choice) and that you have chosen to do something because you want to but are beginning to feel unappreciated.

Personally I think many people ask one of a couple to be godparent but think of both as godparents. I was asked to be godparent to one of my friend's DC but both call me their godmum.

squeakytoy · 19/09/2012 21:16

Perhaps she had promised her friend for a long time that she would be godmother, and plans to have you as godmother for the next child if there is one.. you are auntie anyway.

PotteringAlong · 19/09/2012 21:19

On a completely different aside, regardless of the name change I think she's fairly likely to recognise you from this anyway...

mummydarkling · 19/09/2012 22:07

be happy that you are in a close knit family and that you have apart in their lives esp the little one....

JustSpiro · 19/09/2012 23:58

I can understand why you're put out but there could be all sorts of reasons for them not asking you as well as DH. My DD has four Godparents all of whom were asked separately from their partners:

Godmother 1: Single at time of asking, now married
Godmother 2: Friend an former colleague - her DH is a lovely bloke but he wasn't my friend iykwim
Godfather 3: BIL - on MIL's insistence. I have no issue with his wife but wanted my own friend's to be Godmother's first and foremost, particularly as, unlike DH, I have no siblings.
Godfather 4: DH's best friend - at my insistence, since I felt that as our Best Man he was the natural choice (rather than BIL who we were pressured into having - not that he isn't lovely but he's already DD's uncle - I didn't see the need for him to be Godfather too, and I was buggered if our friend would miss out because of it). He doesn't live locally but visits and stays overnight about once a month - his partner rarely comes to visit or to any social events so it didn't even occur to us to ask her.

What I'm getting at is that their choice may be nothing personal and have absolutely no reflection on how much they appreciate you and your help.

Flip