to expect stbXh to so much of my housework?

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Back story inna nutshell is he's been being a bit pissy with me recently because I'm not caving in to his emotional blackmail with regards to us getting back together.

I was starting to cave a little bit I admit but he's been at it with the emails again so it's a definite no-go now.

The other day he was trying to demonstrate his amazingness by telling me all the stuff he does around the house for me on the 2 days a week he has DS. (He spends the day here with him as H is now living with his parents and it means he can look after our dog at the same time.)

He thinks I'm being really unreasonable and ungrateful and that most other men wouldn't put up with it. The only reason he's been doing it up to now is because he thought he it would help persuade me to take him back.

He showed me a text conversation between him and one of his friends which went:-

Friend - how's it going with you and Pink?
stbXh - not great mate, she's really pissing me off at the moment, I do all her bloody housework for her when I'm here [insert list of chores here] and she never even bothers to thank me. I've had enough tbh
Friend - simple mate, don't bother doing it then.
stbXh - You're right, I'm a mug.

Now, to clarify, what he actually does is hoover/swiff the floors downstairs (DS is crawling), walk the dog, pick up after the dog if she shits in the garden, and occasionally peg some washing out that I put in the machine before I left.

Seriously, am I a terribly entitled cow?

As long as you don't expect him to do any of it (apart from pick up after the dog as I think everyone who owns a dog should dispose of it's shit) then no not entitled. I would find it weird if my ex was doing any of that though. Not put out by it, just odd.

YABU to expect it as per title. YANBU to think it is fair that he does something towards the care of your DS and dog whilst looking after them.

It all sounds a bit petty though, him showing you the text, you not saying thanks. He is obviously making an effort and sounds like your are deliberately not being appreciative as you know it is a token effort - all sounds like hard work tbh.

It's because in having him at your home..rather than his own when he has access to his child, you are blurring the boundaries.

I never expected him to peg the washing out as such, just never really thought it was a big deal for him to just do it if he had a spare 5 minutes whilst DS has his nap. I've told him not to bother if he doesn't want to but that the majority of it is DS's so I genuinely didn't think of it as a favour IYSWIM.

The floors, tbh, I did just expect, purely because the dog molts like a bastard so the floor would be covered in hair if he didn't do it. I've told him that from now on I will do the floors before I leave so all he needs to do is give a quick swiff if it starts looking hairy.

I suppose I just saw it as he's here anyway so why wouldn't he do it I suppose.

Why is he having his access at your home though? It's confusing things.

I suppose I just saw it as he's here anyway so why wouldn't he do it I suppose.

That's thinking like you're still a couple. I agree it is as simple as son/dog are jointly yours and he should do some of the shit work BUT as it is your home- he sees it as doing things for you. If he had the dog/son at his place would you go round and hoover?

You're right with the boundary thing I suppose. It's just easier if he spends the days here.

Honestly DoMe I don't refuse to thank him or anything and I'm genuinely not remotely interested in playing games. I honestly thought we were getting on ok and that the arrangement was working for both of us.

He's just started up with as many guilt trips as possible recently and I'm losing track of whether I'm coming or going.

If you are going to get all this grief then no, it isn't easier for him to spend the days at your house. You need to make a proper break from him and establish much clearer boundaries.

It probably was working from his POV as it kept him with a foot in the door to work on you to get back together. Now he's making an effort and you're not sufficiently grateful he is pointing out how wonderful everyone else thinks he is. I would be sure what you want and then draw clearer boundary lines but that's just me.

You're right. I'm just thinking selfishly that it's easier for me practically because it means I don't have to get ds packed up for the day and out by 7 o'clock and find a day care type thing for the dog.

It's just laziness on my I suppose. Naivety as well it appears. I thought he preferred it because his parent's house really isn't child friendly and it means he doesn't have to provide any stuff.

(He's not working at the moment so doesn't pay anything or buy anything for him)

It's just different mindsets too I think.

If I was using someone else's house for the day and the floor started looking hairy I'd just Hoover it without thinking.

Ditto with washing. If I had a spare few minutes and there was a load in the machine I'd take it out.

There just not things I'd think twice about iyswim.

If I were you I would tell him that you will be delivering DS to his home now....you don't want this every week!

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with having your child see his parent in his own home. This is about your child, not relationship tensions between the parents.

If you were a small child wouldn't you want to see both of the people who are the centre of your entire little world in the place where you feel the most safe and comfortable?

Randal, when I first split with my ex (my dc were 2&4) he used to spend time with our children in my house too. I won't say it was plain sailing and easy, it wasn't, but we were both determind to put them first. now that the dc are 10 and 12 I can 100% say that it's been well worth it.

I don't really understand why you would want him to do your washing and your floors, and they are yours because they are going on in your home, so that needs to stop. I used to get my ex to do man type jobs (feminists, back off now) in our house and accept some support, because like you, I thought it was his DCs home he was helping to maintain. But I wouldn't have got him to do anything that I could easily do myself.

I agree with others he needs to spend time with ds somewhere else, so he stops viewing it as 'doing you a favour'.

You're right. I made the wrong choice.

It's not my fault his parent's house is a fricking ornament festooned death trap, and it's not my fault his mother's a whining hypochondriac! His problem, he can deal with it.

I get all proud of myself for being assertive and standing up for myself then I realise I've been bloody playing his games yet again.

Sorry, couple of X-posts.

outraged that's exactly how I've always thought of it. This is ds's home, I thought it would feel more stable for him iyswim.

The washing I've told him not to do anything with anymore, I honestly didn't see it as an issue but I accept I was wrong in that.

The floors just need doing. There's no way round it. It's not a major Hoover, I do that before I go, but they need a quick swiff every couple of hours because of the dog.

I can't see a way round that one tbh.

You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't got a crystal ball; it might have worked out.

It's not working, so now it's time to try something else. You shouldn't feel bad.

On a side not what's a swiff!?! Love that word!

I think having a young child in their own home for access is a great idea and I would be inclined to do that too if things could remain amicable. Maybe tell him you've had a think, there's no need for him to do anything, you do appreciate it when he does but as it's causing him to feel used he should stop? I don't know how reasonable he can be, would he be able to take that?

If he's doing jobs that are basically cleaning up after himself during his time in the house, then he shouldn't need to complain that he's doing jobs for you.

Cleaning up hairs that the dog drops while he is in the house = ok for him to do.

Giving the floor a clean because it was in need of it before you left and sorting out washing you had left for him = not ok for him to do.

Decide where you want the line between it being the family home and your home to be, and then stick to it.

It's one of those mop things that you stick a mahoosive wet wipe on the end of. It's awesome, gathers all the hair up in 30 seconds and they're anti-bac as well. (disclaimer - don't know if that's their actual name!)

I think all I can do is try getting him to discuss it properly instead of trying all his EA, woe-is-me crap. He's a master of the guilt trip.

I want it to work because I want things to be as simple for DS as possible. He's so young I want him to feel that security IYSWIM.

swiff I had to google

It can work, it's just bloody hard! You have to remember that not only is one relationship ending, but that another one is starting. If you are trying to have a good co parenting relationship, it is going to take some time while you both suss each other out in these new roles you have as just two people who share a child.

Oh no Outraged I never leave anything that needs doing.

I'm a proper neat freak so the house is always immaculate.

The washing thing is very rare, I tend to put it on the timer at night so it's ready to go out first thing in the morning. It's only on the odd occasion where I've put a load on in the morning that he's put it out. I've never asked him to do it.

It's sounding like he's being out of order and acting all martyrish for complaining he is doing your housework when in reality he is just using the house and cleaning up after himself.

Maybe you need a clear rule, like he has to leave the house how he found it. That worked for us. Then if there was anything I actually needed help with I could judge whether he was likely to be amenable before asking.

That's it Hug! I knew that's what they're called

I feel a bit of a knobber to have got so wound up about it to be honest. It's a non-issue isn't it

I think it just brought out a whinge of bitterness. He has no responsibilities at all. He lives with his parents where he doesn't even have to make his own meals, pays no bills, provides nothing.

I run a house completely single-handedly, pay all the bills, feed and clothe us both, look after the dog, go to work. And he winges about wiping a flipping floor!

It's not the right way to think about it though, I accept that. Kick up the arse gratefully received!